It's been back to school season in the US for a few months, and that means only one
thing for most elementary kids and their parents: it's lice season!
The much-dreaded tiny animal is notorious for infecting the heads of children, who often
don't practice the same hygiene practices that adults do and thus leave themselves vulnerable
to infection.
All it takes is one child, and soon an entire classroom can be host to these tiny little
creepy-crawleys.
But what happens if you actually do get lice?
And what's the best treatment for them?
Once more we're turning to our favorite lab rat as we challenge him to deal with a lice
infestation!
Day 1: What the actual bleep- is literally what I said on the phone with the Infographics
Show after they sent me an email telling me my next challenge.
It's back to school season!, they said, people want to know about lice!, they said, you could
help people find out how to treat them!, they said.
And after a renegotiation of my fee, I finally relented and accepted.
The next day, today, I got a package via private courier, and after signing for it I brought
it inside and just stared at it, knowing what was inside.
Finally, I opened the box up and revealed several plastic tubes, and inside were what
looked like small white dots.
Except they were moving.
I was holding a box full of lice, and pretty soon, they were going in my hair, just so
I could find out what the best way to destroy them was.
Well, I could just chuck them in a fire right now and that'd sort it out, wouldn't it, but
no, that's not what I'm getting paid to do- and believe me, I'm getting paid very well
for what I'm about to do.
So first, I'm home alone, which is the only way I could do this challenge.
The girlfriend is in Canada filming something or else I know there'd be no way she would
let me do this.
She's a clean freak, and infesting myself on purpose with lice ranks up there with...
honestly, I don't know.
There is nothing I could compare it to, but I'm pretty sure she would make me move out
and only allow me back in when she's run me through full military nuclear, biological,
chemical warfare decontamination techniques.
I told her over the phone and she just gave off a really deep sigh.
I think a year ago she would've put up a fight, but by now she just sort of accepts the insanity
I go through sometimes for my job.
She made me swear I would boil all our sheets and basically clean the entire house when
it was over and before she got home, so thanks, Infographics.
Ok, so that's the effect these little buggers are already having on my social life, what
can I expect them to do to me physically?
Well, lice come in three varieties: head lice, body lice, and the infamous pubic lice or
crabs.
Pubic lice are kind of a misnomer though, because any lice you get in your crotch are
automatically pubic lice.
Basically, all lice live amongst your hairs, and then move down to your skin so they can
bite you and feed on your blood, like tiny, disgusting little vampires.
The resulting bites can become itchy and though lice are not generally thought to be disease
vectors, their bites can be so itchy that you inadvertently tear the skin open and cause
infection.
Not gonna lie, I am relieved to hear that there's little risk of these things carrying
disease, plus Infographics promised me they were quote- laboratory-level sterile- end
quote, whatever in the world that means.
You know what?
I don't want to know.
I literally have no desire to know from where in the world Infographics got their hands
on what are apparently, medical-quality lice.
I did do some research online and apparently, you can even get lice in the mail though,
but I very quickly ended my search.
So I'm going to be testing a variety of different treatments for getting rid of lice, and I'll
be purposefully pouring them into my hair.
I've never had pubic lice and never intend to, so that's off-limits.
I'll start with some homeopathic remedies and then move on to the real stuff, actual
medicine.
Spoiler alert: homeopathy is not a thing, so I'm confident none of those remedies will
actually work, hence why I saved the real medicine for last.
The treatments I'll try are: tea tree oil, lavender oil, vodka- yes, you heard that right-
and finally, actual medicine in the form of shampoo designed to kill lice and their eggs.
Looking at this list, I'm actually kind of thinking the vodka may have a pretty good
chance of killing off the lice along with the shampoo, and I'm talking about real vodka
here, not the wimpy stuff you buy at the grocery store.
I once was assigned to teach firearms handling to Ukranian forces and they introduced me
to Ukranian vodka so strong it'll strip rust off steel bolts, and you can totally buy it
online.
My first try nearly burned a hole through my gut, so I'm pretty confident this is going
to destroy the lice.
Treatment 1: Tea Tree Oil
Ok, so lice went into the hair a few days ago, and per the instructions I was given,
I gave them a day to settle in.
You know, unpack their bags, get used to their new home, which is my freaking head.
But also because apparently these guys do not live very long without a human or animal
host because they starve to death, which explains why I was sent so many lice at once- apparently
at least half were probably dead already.
Their one free day was so they could feed and recuperate, and if you don't think I wasn't
freaking out over purposefully playing host to a bunch of bugs in my hair, then you're
thinking wrong.
We love tea tree oil, don't we?
I mean you see it touted online as the solution to literally anything.
Apparently aboriginals in Australia used it for its medicinal properties for thousands
of years, and it does have some medicinal qualities to it.
And it's all natural, which means overprivileged First Worlders geek out and pay a 3,000% markup
for it.
I get it, it just feels good to use something all natural, just like mother nature intended.
Don't take harsh chemicals or drugs, just fall into the loving arms of mother gaia,
and let her love heal the hurt away with all natural vibes.
Except it didn't work.
At all.
I applied it extremely generously to my head and let it sit for a half hour, then rinsed
it out.
Got out a nit comb I picked up at the store and started going through my hair- there were
a number of clearly dead lice, but it seems like most were happily moving around, going
about their lives.
Probably thanking me for the all-organic bath they just had while going to their local lice
starbucks for a nice lice frappucino made from fair trade beans.
So I repeated the treatment again a day later, once more doused my head with tea tree oil,
let it sit, rinsed it out.
Ran comb through my hair, same result.
Not as many dead lice as the first time, still plenty of living lice.
I did it one more time, exact same result.
So tea tree oil clearly has some anti-lice properties, but as is the problem with every
homeopathic treatment, those properties are in too low concentrations to really have a
definitive effect.
That's why drugs and chemical treatments are so much more effective, they concentrate the
effective ingredients to a level that homeopathy doesn't even approach.
If you're a fan of Ted Talks, there's one given by James Randi where he eats an entire
bottle of homeopathic medicine at once, which he can of course totally do because the only
active ingredients in the entire bottle are in such low quantities that they have practically
no effect on the body.
Try that with real medicine though and well, you'll probably really hurt yourself.
Treatment 2: Lavender Oil
So I gave my little lice buddies a few days to recuperate from the tea tree oil, and my
head's been an itchy mess.
I've been purposefully not leaving the house because, well, I have a head full of lice,
so other than dealing with itchiness, it's been kind of lonely and boring.
Also, I miss my girlfriend, but I'm glad she's not here to deal with this.
Alright, lavender oil, how did it work?
Well, if possible, lavender oil worked even less than tea tree oil, which I would label
about 50% effective.
I'm giving lavender oil about 30% effective, and I'm pretty sure that none of the dead
lice I found were actually killed by anything in the oil itself, probably just drowned to
death.
If you go to clearlice.com and look up lavender oil, it'll tell you all about how evil over-the-counter
medicines and shampoos are dangerous for you.
They use hot-button words like “chemicals”, “pesticides”, and “neurological and
developmental problems”.
What they don't do is give any perspective.
Yes, the chemicals involved in over-the-counter treatments could in fact be harmful, but only
if you were to consume them in astronomically high doses.
One of these chemicals, Permethrin, is found in many lice shampoo treatments, but if you
search for its toxicity you'll find that the dose at which it becomes lethal for 50% of
test rats exposed to it is 270mg per kg of body weight- and even then only if injected
directly into the veins of the animal.
When you extrapolate that to human toxicity, you'll basically have to inject an entire
bottle of lice shampoo directly into your veins for it to have a 50% chance of killing
you.
Honestly, if you're getting adverse effects from lice shampoo it's probably because you're
supposed to be using it on your head, not injecting it into your freaking veins.
Oh, also at clearlice.com they explicitly say that lavender oil does not kill lice,
yet thousands of websites recommend it as an all-natural treatment.
That's... kind of hilarious.
Treatment 3: Vodka
Hey you know what's super not a good idea?
Pouring 170 proof vodka imported from Eastern Europe directly onto your scalp.
Do you guys remember the terrible Ghost Rider movie?
Yeah, that's exactly what my head felt like after bending over in front of the tub and
pouring very strong- and very expensive- vodka into my hair.
I'm not going to lie, I tried it once, because I can only take feeling like I'm being chemically
scalped once in my life.
I hear it's a popular remedy in Russia, but Russians also commonly throw babies into snow
banks before major surgeries to slow their heart rates.
I'm not saying it's not effective, I'm just saying... there's more, non-Russian ways of
doing things.
As far as killing lice?
Honestly, I don't know, I couldn't even stand touching my head for a day after this so I
didn't even bother checking.
Pretty sure all I did was give my head lice the best party of their life.
Treatment: Actual Medicine
Ok, so for my final treatment I went ahead and consulted with a pharmacist who recommended
a specific type of shampoo.
Apparently lice are becoming resistant to the chemicals we've been using for decades,
which makes sense, that's just how evolution goes.
So the pharmacist recommended a shampoo that uses dimeticone, a type of silicone.
If you love homeopathy and fear chemicals, then this is the stuff for you, because it
kills lice mechanically, rather than with chemicals that attack its biology.
The dimeticone physically coats the lice, and essentially makes it impossible for them
to 'breathe', which kills them.
It is less effective on eggs, but that's why you're supposed to continue the treatment
over the course of several days, killing the new generation before it has a chance to lay
eggs.
So that's what I did, and let me tell you- this stuff stinks.
It smells really strong, and you have to leave it in for several hours, which is not a huge
selling point to be honest.
But later that night I rinsed it out and ran a comb through my hair, and found more dead
lice than I've found to date with any other treatment.
I kept repeating the treatment and each day I was finding less and less live lice.
This was clearly the most effective method I've tried yet.
It's now been a week since my last treatment and I'm happy to report that I appear to be
100% lice free.
This has been a horrible past few weeks, and one of the grossest challenges I've done,
but I take some small satisfaction in knowing that I murdered an entire generation of lice
while they were still virgins.
Small payback, but I'll take it.
Have you ever had lice?
How would you try to treat them if you got them?
Let us know in the comments!
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