EVERYBODY! SAY HELLO TO THE BAND, LOUIS
CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND, EVERYBODY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
STEPHEN! >> Stephen: THANKS, EVERYBODY.
AREN'T YOU NICE. AREN'T YOU NICE.
PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY. LOUIS.
>> Louis: STEPHEN. >> Stephen: LOUIS, I HAVE
FANTASTIC GUESTS COMING OUT THIS EVENING.
WE'VE GOT GABRIELLE UNION COMING OUT.
>> Louis: THAT'S RIGHT, LEGENDARY.
>> Stephen: HER NEW FILM "THE INSPECTION" GETTING A LOT OF
BUZZ RIGHT NOW. AND I GOTTA TELL YOU, THIS IS AN
OLDY BUT A GOODIE HERE. Y WOO HAVEN'T HAD THIS GUY ON IN
A LONG TIME. DON LEMON IS GOING TO BE HERE.
FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME, DAY'S NEWS GARDEN,
EXCAVATING A TASTEFUL LAGOON, AND ADDING THE FINEST, MOST-
TOPICAL HYDRO-BEAD VORTEX FILTERS AND EXTERNAL AERATION
BEFORE STOCKING IT WITH WATER LILLIES AND PERFECTLY FINISHED
KOHAKU AND HIRENAGA AMUR CARP TO CREATE THE SPECTACULAR SANSUI
KOI POND THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I BREAK INTO A DERELICT
PAPER MILL, HUFF SULFUR COMPOUNDS OUT OF THE WASTE VENT,
THEN GO JOY RIDING ON A STOLEN BACKHOE UNTIL I CRASH INTO AN
ELEMENTAL CHLORINE TANK BY THE RIVER TO CREATE THE RANCID
FISH-KILL OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
>> MEANWHILE!
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS "MEANWHILE!"
MEANWHILE, IN GEORGIA, "McDONALD'S EMPLOYEES DELIVERED
A BABY IN THE STORE'S BATHROOM." WHICH IS MUCH BETTER THAN WHEN
McDONALD'S DELIVERS VIA UBER EATS.
THE BABY'S ALWAYS SOGGY AND COLD IT'S NOT THE SAME.
THE McDONALD'S MANAGER ON DUTY SAID SHE WENT INTO THE BATHROOM
TO FIND THE WOMAN ALREADY IN LABOR, SAYING, "SHE WAS ON THIS
TOILET LYING BACK, SCREAMING. THEN I KNEW TO TELL MY CREW,
'WE'RE HAVING A BABY TODAY.'" OKAY, THAT'S A LOVELY STORY, BUT
SOMEONE SCREAMING IN THE BATHROOM AT McDONALD'S DOESN'T
NECESSARILY MEAN THEY'RE HAVING A BABY.
COULD JUST MEAN THE McRIB IS BACK.
( LAUGHTER )
YEAR. THAT IS, IF YOU CHOOSE TO
REMEMBER IT THAT WAY. I NEVER SAID GASLIGHTING WAS
WORD OF THE YEAR. I'VE ALWAYS SAID IT WAS
"GARBANZO." YOU'RE CRAZY.
( LAUGHTER )
NUPTIALS WHEN THEY HAD THE O'REILLY AUTO PARTS JINGLE SUNG
BY THE ORIGINAL PERFORMING ARTISTS AT THEIR WEDDING.
EVEN MORE ROMANTIC, THE CEREMONY WAS OFFICIATED BY THE GUITARIST
FROM KARS-4-KIDS.
THE SPECIAL SERENADE: ♪ ♪ ♪
OH, OH, OH, O'REILLY. >> OUR PROFESSIONAL PARTS PEOPLE
AT O'REILLY AUTO PARTS WILL TEST YOUR BATTERY FOR FREE.
IF YOUR BATTERY DOES NEED TO BE REPLACED, WE'LL HELP YOU FIND
THE BEST BATTERY FOR YOUR VEHICLE.
DON'T WAIT UNTIL YOUR BATTERY IS DEAD.
GET IT TESTED TODAY AT O'REILLY AUTO PARTS
♪ OH, OH, O'REILLY AUTO PARTS.
EYE IN THE HOUSE, ESPECIALLY THE BEST MAN.
( LAUGHTER )
67-POUND GOLDFISH, WHICH MAY BREAK WORLD RECORDS."
MAN, HE'S GONNA HAVE A HELL OF A TIME FLUSHING THAT THING DOWN
THE TOILET.
THERE'S A NEW ELF ON THE SHELF, AND IT'S HIDDEN VALLEY RANCH'S
"RANCH ON A BRANCH." THE KIT INCLUDES A STUFFED
PLUSHIE HIDDEN VALLEY RANCH CHARACTER NAMED RANCHIE, AND AN
ARTFULLY ILLUSTRATED STORYBOOK DEPICTING THE
CHARACTER'S DREAM: TO BECOME A REAL BOTTLE OF HIDDEN VALLEY
RANCH. THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
IT'S LIKE PINOCCHIO, IF PINOCCHIO DREAMED OF HAVING
HIS INNARDS SQUEEZED ONTO A LOADED POTATO.
I'M AFRAID THERE'S BAD NEWS FOR MY RANCH-HEADS OUT THERE,
BECAUSE THE COLLECTIBLE IS ALREADY SOLD OUT!
SO WE'LL JUST HAVE TO DO WHAT WE ALWAYS DO WHEN RANCH ISN'T
AVAILABLE: NEVER EAT SALAD AGAIN.
MEANWHILE, IN HOLIDAY FOOD NEWS, "MOUNTAIN DEW'S NEW FLAVOR IS
SUPPOSED TO TASTE LIKE FRUITCAKE."
AND THE COMPANY SAYS THEY'RE MAKING FRUITCAKE COOL AGAIN,
BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS "COOL" LIKE TAKING A DESSERT NO ONE LIKES
AND PAIRING IT WITH A SODA WHOSE BASE FLAVOR IS ELECTRIC WIZZ.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
FRUITCAKE, THOUGH. IN TRUE MOUNTAIN DEW STYLE,
THEY'RE GOING WITH "FRUIT QUAKE," IN HONOR OF THE MEDICAL
CONDITION YOU EXPERIENCE AFTER YOU DRINK MOUNTAIN DEW.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK