Burnie: Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of A Million Dollars But...
We have Colton Dunn with us and Chris Demarais
Chris, why don't you start us off with your scenario
Chris: A million dollars...
Burnie: That's a lot of money
Chris: But for one year
everywhere you go, you are pushed in a baby stroller
by an incredibly strong, muscular man wearing like a tiny like muscle shower outfit
Burnie: What abou- I mean, so literally everywhere I wanna go
Let's say I've had a long day
I go home, I go to sleep
Chris: He's there, he put you in the bed and he kinda like spoons you
Burnie: Oh he sleeps with me?
Chris: Yeah yeah
Sometimes too when you're like
Say you go and you're reading a book
Burnie: Right
Chris: He's just flexing and exercising right behind you
so that's how he maintains his physique he's just like
Colton: So when he's not needed he's just working out close by
Burnie: Even like a regular scenario
What if you're dating your girlfriend and you're like going to bed
Even if you're sleeping with your girlfriend, he's sleeping there with you?
Chris: Yeah, he can just hang out on the side and kinda hang out
Burnie: Is he awake?
Chris: I mean yeah he can go to sleep, it doesn't matter. It's up to him.
Colton: So like, what if he takes you to like a sad event
like if he takes you to like
you know the hospital bedside of your like dying mother
Chris: I think he would have a moment of sadness where he might cry
and then he'd start working out
Colton: He would share the pain and then work out
Burnie: Flexing and working out
Colton: I will say that there's a great benefit to this though
'cause you could go out, you could get so drunk all the time
and you would never have trouble walking anywhere
or driving a car
You could just get tanked
Burnie: It's like the police officer stops you and is like
"Have you been drinking tonight?"
and you're like "Fuck you!"
Colton: "Fuck you cop, why don't you go talk to my friend"
(laughter)
Burnie: A million dollars...
but for one year, we gotta be wheeled around by a dude
Colton: He's oiled up
Burnie: He's oiled up and muscly
Colton: I'm in, I'm in
Burnie: For a year? I would do it too
It's a year, I'll do it
Colton: Not only do you get a Million dollars, all right
but you also can go to any movie you want
For free
But, through the duration of the film
spaghetti is constantly flowing out of your mouth
(laughter)
Just falling out of your mouth
Burnie: Is it just me? Or can I bring friends to the movie too?
Colton: What, do you get them in for free and get them the good seats?
Then spaghetti comes out of their mouths too
Burnie: (laughs) Out of their mouths?
Colton: Yeah
Chris: Does it hurt? Is it like you're vomiting?
Colton: Nooo it just, it just happens
it just kinda happens
Burnie: So is this spaghetti gross or could I like sell it
Colton: Hey man, that's capitalism
Chris: Start an Italian dinner store
Colton: Yeah!
Chris: And you'd be like the spaghetti man
And you just sell all, you just collect in the bucket
Colton: Collect it in like a big tin, and pour some sauce on it and sell it
Chris: Bring all your friends you get hundreds of friends
and you're just all vomiting
You can end world hunger
Burnie: All right. Million dollars Chris. Free movies. What are you doing, you doing it?
Chris: Yeah I would do it, I love spaghetti
Burnie: All right, I'm not doing it
I can't do it, I like movies too much
Burnie: I'm gonna give you...a million dollars
AND...I'm also gonna give you
the greatest dog in the whole world
That dog just becomes an amazing dog
It does whatever you want AND the dog can talk
You can actually talk to a dog
Colton: It can like verbalize its thoughts
Burnie: Absolutely
Here's the problem: greatest dog in the world, it can talk to you, but nobody else in the world can see or hear this dog
You cannot prove in any way that this dog exists
and if you ever ignore the dog intentionally
it loses the ability to talk
Colton: And do I lose the million dollars?
Burnie: No. You get to keep the million dollars
Chris: You just silence your best friend
Burnie: Let's say you feed the dog
You feed the dog and say "look it's going to eat!"
It's just you showing a full bowl of food to everybody
Even though the dog eats it, it still looks like a full bowl of food to them
Colton: To the rest of the people
Burnie: Everybody else
Chris: What if it goes to the bathroom?
Burnie: Nothing
Chris: Invisible?
Burnie: Totally invisible!
Chris: So okay, so you have a guy that you don't like
and you go to dinner with him and you get your dog
and you're like "sit right there, sit right there"
and then he's sitting there and he's just eating dog shit
Burnie: He'd have no idea
Chris: Invisible dog shit, and he's just *eating sounds*
Burnie: But that's- only you would know
Colton: I mean a talking dog is cool but if I can't like
use it to pick up chicks
Like, that's the best reason to have a dog
I would take the million dollars, then I would ignore the dog
So he couldn't talk anymore, and then I'd just buy another dog
Chris: So he dies a normal dog age like 12 or 15
Burnie: Sure
Colton: If you don't feed him though he'll die in like 2 weeks
(laughter)
Burnie: And then you get a million dollars, yeah
So could you live with that
You get this magical dog
Colton: I could live with that
Look, I'll kill a magic dog
(laughter)
Colton: For a million dollars
Chris: No one would know you did it
Colton: Yeah. Nobody's gonna know, nobody's gonna care
Burnie: And you keep your million bucks
Colton: I keep my million dollars
Burnie: That's a quick way to a million
All right so, million dollars and magic dog to you
Million dollars and a magic dog to you
Chris: I would do it
Burnie: All right, I'm 2 million dollars poorer
Congratulations guys, you guys got 2 million bucks
Chris: And a best friend
Colton: Bury him in my backyard
Burnie: Well gentlemen, I think that we learned a lot about each other today
Join us next time. We'll have 3 more terrible scenarios that we'll subject each other to
I'm not looking forward to it
Colton: I am
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