PEOPLE ARE, LIKE, POLARIZED BY THE MORNING-AFTER PILL, RIGHT?
AND I FEEL LIKE IT REMAINS CONTROVERSIAL
BECAUSE THE MORNING-AFTER PILL IS CALLED "PLAN 'B.'"
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND I FEEL LIKE THAT'S TOO NONCHALANT,
TOO CAREFREE FOR A LOT OF PEOPLE.
"WELL, CLEARLY, PLAN 'A' DIDN'T WORK."
ALTHOUGH IT'S BETTER THAN CALLING THE PILL "WHOOPS."
IT'S LIKE THE ONLY WAY IT'S GONNA GAIN MORE ACCEPTANCE
IS IF YOU APPEASE THE MORE CONSERVATIVE NATURE
OF OUR COUNTRY
BY RENAMING THE PILL "I AM A SINNER AND A WHORE."
[ LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I THINK THAT MIGHT WORK.
IT MIGHT WORK.
I THINK THAT'S A NICE AMOUNT OF RELIGION AND REGRET
AND HUMILIATION ROLLED INTO ONE FOR EVERYBODY, YOU KNOW?
WHICH WOULD MAKE ME WANT TO WORK AT CVS JUST FOR THOSE MOMENTS --
WHEN THE COUPLE COMES IN AND THEY'RE LIKE,
"I'M GONNA NEED A PACKAGE OF I AM A SINNER AND A WHORE."
"I'M SORRY. WHAT?
"OH, I AM A SINNER AND A WHORE. THAT'S $24.99.
"SEEMS LIKE A STEAL, HUH,
"WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT CLOTHING AND A COLLEGE EDUCATION?
"ANYWAY, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.
"IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, WE GOT DIAPERS ON SALE IN AISLE 2,
"SO EITHER WAY, YOU WIN!
IT'S ALL GONNA COME TOGETHER."
[ LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
SO, GOOD NEWS ON THE PERSONAL FRONT.
I'VE BEEN DATING MY GIRLFRIEND NOW FOR TWO YEARS,
WHICH IS SUPERCOOL.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YES.
WHICH, OF COURSE, MEANS I'M GAY.
TAKE A SECOND.
AND WE'RE BACK. AND WE'RE BACK.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND WE'RE BACK.
APPARENTLY, FOR A LONG CHUNK OF TIME,
I HAD NO IDEA I WAS GAY, BUT EVERYONE ELSE KNEW.
WHICH WAS AWKWARD.
AND THEY WERE LIKE,
"ERIN, WE WERE WAITING FOR YOU TO BE COMFORTABLE,
TALK ABOUT IT, COME OUT ON YOUR OWN TIME, YOU KNOW?"
WHICH WAS SUPERCOOL.
BUT I FELT LIKE IF SOMEONE HAD GIVEN ME A LITTLE PUSH
IN THAT DIRECTION,
IT WOULD HAVE SAVED ME 10 YEARS OF HORRIBLE DATES WITH MEN
AND LOW SELF-ESTEEM, BUT WHATEVER.
YOU GO AT YOUR OWN PACE.
[ APPLAUSE ]
I KNEW -- YOU KNOW,
MY MOM'S SUPERCOOL ABOUT EVERYTHING NOW,
BUT I KNEW, LIKE, COMING OUT TO HER WOULD BE A LITTLE ROCKY,
'CAUSE SHE'S A CATHOLIC SCHOOLTEACHER, YOU KNOW?
A BIT CONSERVATIVE.
'CAUSE I KNEW SHE HAD THIS CRAZY STEREOTYPE IN HER MIND
OF WHAT MY GIRLFRIEND WAS GONNA LOOK LIKE, RIGHT?
LIKE, HER WORST FEAR IN LIFE
IS LIKE WE'D COME HOME FOR A HOLIDAY
AND WE'D ROLL INTO THE DRIVEWAY IN THIS FORD MONSTER TRUCK.
AND MY GIRLFRIEND'D GET OUT.
YOU KNOW, SHE'D CLIMB OUT OF THE TRUCK AND BE LIKE,
"HEY, MRS. FOLEY.
MY NAME'S JACKIE. I'M SHAGGING YOUR DAUGHTER."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
"OH, WOW. YOU GOT A GREAT HOUSE HERE.
"LOOKS REAL NICE. WHOA. HOLD UP.
"I NOTICED SOME SHINGLES ARE LOOSE ON THE ROOF.
"LET ME GET IN MY TRUCK AND GET MY CAULKING GUN AND TOOL BELT
"AND FIX THAT UP FOR YOU.
HEY, PRINCESS --" 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT SHE CALLS ME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
"HEY, PRINCESS, YOU WANT TO GET ME,
"LIKE, A PULLED-PORK SANDWICH AND A BEER?
THAT'D BE GREAT."
THEN MY MOM PASSES OUT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
MY GIRLFRIEND -- SHE HAS, LIKE, A REALLY SERIOUS JOB.
SHE WORKS IN MARKETING LIKE 60-PLUS HOURS A WEEK,
AND SHE'S CONSTANTLY STRESSED OUT, YOU KNOW?
AND, HONESTLY, BEFORE I MET HER,
I THOUGHT
BALANCING, YOU KNOW, ACTING AND STAND-UP AND WRITING.
TURNS OUT THEY'RE NOT.
TURNS OUT THEY PALE IN COMPARISON, QUITE FRANKLY.
WE'LL, YOU KNOW, BE SITTING DOWN FOR DINNER.
I'LL BE LIKE, "HOW WAS YOUR DAY?"
AND SHE'LL BE LIKE, "OH, MAN, IT WAS ANOTHER HUMDINGER.
"YOU KNOW, IT WAS JUST GET TO WORK,
"AND THE PHONE'S RINGING OFF THE HOOK,
"AND I HAVE TO HIRE FOUR NEW PROJECT MANAGERS.
"AND IT'S JUST MEETINGS BACK TO BACK TO BACK TO BACK.
"BEFORE I KNOW IT, IT'S 7:00,
"HAVEN'T LEFT THE OFFICE, HAVEN'T HAD LUNCH.
HOW ABOUT YOU?"
"OH, YEAH."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"UH, YEAH, ANOTHER, UH, HUMDINGER FOR MYSELF.
"UM, WELL, I HAD TO GO TO RITE AID IN THE MORNING,
"YOU KNOW?
"I TELL YOU, IT'S ONLY FOUR BLOCKS FROM THE HOUSE,
"BUT THE TRAFFIC [GROANS] YOU KNOW?
"AND THEN, YOU KNOW, YOU GET TO RITE AID,
"AND EVERYTHING'S BEEN MOVED AROUND.
"YOU CAN'T FIND ANYTHING, YOU KNOW?
"20 MINUTES LATER, I'M LIKE, 'WHERE ARE YOUR LINT BRUSHES?
"I HAVE A CAT. HELLO!'
"THEN I HAD TO GO HOME.
"A LOT OF E-MAILING BACK AND FORTH AND BACK AND FORTH.
"UH, PRETTY MUCH SPENT ALL AFTERNOON
CRAFTING A JOKE ABOUT A MUFFIN."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"AND BEFORE I KNOW IT, IT'S 5:00.
"HAPPY HOUR. PHONE'S RINGING OFF THE HOOK.
"I DON'T KNOW HOW I DO IT.
"I AM EXHAUSTED.
I'M EXHAUSTED."