(bright energetic music)
- It was a great weekend for "Comedy Specials".
I know my brother Chris Rock had his thing,
and I also had a new special come out.
(audience cheering and clapping)
"God Loves Me," available right now on HBO Max.
Brothers, you can't bootleg streaming.
(audience laughing)
But you can share passwords, hah!
(audience clapping)
But let's be real, the funniest "Comedy Special"
last weekend was the CPAC,
or as I like to call it, "Crazy White People".
(audience laughing)
If you don't know about it,
it's an annual event where all the Karens
and their husbands come together,
and they complain about the rest of us.
(audience laughing)
The Karens and the Darrens.
(audience laughing)
And we watched it so, you didn't have to.
- The Biden administration sucks.
- This can never be said at a Democratic gathering.
Look at all the beautiful women here.
- Wokeness is a virus more dangerous
than any pandemic hands down.
- We will support baby boomers,
and we will support baby bonuses
for a new baby boom, how does that sound?
That sounds pretty-- I want a baby boom.
To use a strong couple of words,
insane asylum, insane asylum.
That's where,
anybody see "Silence of the Lambs"?
That's where they come from.
- Check under your seats.
If there happens to be a gold chocolate bar
underneath there, that's a VIP--
Oh, I'm not joking.
That's a VIP ticket,
to my father's reception
tomorrow at CPAC.
- What the (beep) is with his fingers. (laughs)
Why does he have hotdogs fingers from,
"Everything Everywhere All at Once"? (laughs)
(audience cheering and clapping)
It looks like 10 limp dicks playing piano. (laughs)
I like how Donald Jr's always like,
"Democrats are pedophiles.
Anyway, if you come with me,
I'll give you chocolate. Shh."
(audience laughing)
- A recent study links the dramatic increase
in cases of kids accidentally ingesting cannabis
to the legalization of marijuana.
Researchers have seen a nearly 1,400% increase
with about 200 cases reported in 2017,
compared to more than 3,000 cases in 2021.
- Wait.
How can you even tell if a little kid is high?
(audience laughing)
No. 'Cause them little (beep) always sound high.
"Daddy. If a cloud had legs, would it be a snowman?"
Nigga you went into my stash, again!
And weed isn't just dangerous for little children,
it's also dangerous for adult children
like, Chet Hanks.
- Go suck on yo' momma ducking stinking crotches.
(spits) Spit on your granny grave.
- I'm sorry, Tom.
I'm just saying the shit you'd want to say.
So parents, please be responsible
for the health and the wellbeing of your family.
Send me your drugs for safekeeping.
(audience laughing and clapping)
I might get some back to you.
For real though, here's what I want to know,
why is weed the only drug put in food?
How come there's no cracking edibles?
Think about it.
They already got "Hershey Krackel".
You're halfway there. Just put the crack in it.
(audience cheering and clapping)
What drew me to "White Chicks" was,
its mythological roots,
which I found almost Homeric in scope.
Let's, let's take a look.
(loud farting)
- Is everything all right in there?
- In preparation for that scene,
I mentally drew from Act four, scene three of "Macbeth".
So powerful.
I also took so many laxatives that I thought
I saw a knife floating in front of me
and I tried to stab myself.
It, it's still in the "White Chick" snyder cut.
I was watching Fox News last night because,
(audience laughing)
because, apparently I hate my life.
But I learned something.
You know how the whole world remembers January 6th
as the day a bunch of violent Trump fans
stormed into the Capitol?
- [Audience] Yeah.
- Well, according to Fox News,
we just got the footage wrong.
- Fox News host, Tucker Carlson,
aired the first clips of
the unseen January 6th surveillance footage
given to him by Speaker Kevin McCarthy.
On his show last night, he said,
the insurrection was mostly peaceful chaos.
Adding that the people who forced themselves
into the Capitol weren't "insurrectionists,
they were sight-seers."
- We're gonna get into some of the footage
that shows you what was actually
happening inside the Capitol.
And that video tells a very different story
about what happened on January 6th.
Protestors queue up in neat little lines.
They give each other tours
outside the Speaker's office.
They take cheerful selfies and they smile.
They're not destroying the Capitol.
They obviously revere the Capitol.
- Sight-seeing my black ass.
(audience laughing)
If you have to punch a cop on your way in,
you not sight-seeing,
you fight-seeing. (laughs)
(audience cheering and clapping)
All Tucker Carlson proved is that,
you can make anything look better
by not showing the bad part.
How come they never show 9/11 planes taking off?
(audience and Marlon laughing)
In a way, some of this footage is even more disturbing.
Like there was this guy at the right,
who was just cleaning shit up.
(audience laughing)
That's a straight-up psychopath.
I bet this guy goes to orgies and does "Wordle".
"Guys, I got it. (laughs)
I got it in four guesses.
Come on guys, stop (beep) each other.
Put your dick away.
It's "grape"!"
Why you buff, son?
- Got to be.
- You the most buff man ever.
You should do an action movie.
(Mayor laughing)
Like on some Arnold Schwarzenegger shit.
- Every day is an action movie, man.
- Some Arnold Schwarzenegger negro shit.
Yeah, you look like yo, like you,
is being a Mayor stress?
- It depends, you know.
Stressful is growing up in the neighborhood
not knowing where your meal is going to come from,
and eating that hard ass cheese
that they used to make us eat.
That's stress. - Right.
So you plan on softening the government cheese.
- You can't soften that man.
- You can melt it.
- Hey! Tell me the secret.
'Cause we used to put it in the oven
and we're leaving it there for half an hour
and it was still hard. (laughs)
- You got that same shit.
Yo! I couldn't shit for months.
(Mayor laughing)
Yo. That's bug.
I had a question, this is random.
- Right.
- How come I can't buy hot food on my EBT card?
- That's a good question. I didn't even know that.
- Bro. Just cold shit.
Why poor people gotta eat cold shit?
- And, they shouldn't. I didn't know you can't.
- Change that. Veto that.
We changing that Bill.
- We gonna look at and we gonna name the Bill after you.
- Quan. - Yes.
- The Quan Bill. - Yes.
- You know how many ho's I'ma get for that?
The Quan Bill.
Got, got a Bill named after me.
Ho, I got a Bill named after me.
(Mayor laughing)
Nah, but real talk.
Let me get into some real, serious shit.
You really do be working out.
- Got to.
Every morning, man. 5:00 AM.
- Oh 5:00 AM. You lying.
Son.
Do you or do you not be in the clubs?
'Cause I hear you be partying.
- Listen, I'm a nightlife man.
Man, I gotta test the product.
- So, son how the (beep) you gonna say you up
at 5:00 AM when you ain't even sleep, son.
- Listen, my Dad said,
you hang out with the boys,
you gotta get up with the men.
- Oh that's real, son.
Yo, I (beep) with you, man. I (beep) with you.
So, let me ask you some real shit,
weed. - Yes
- You smoke?
- That's a tough question, man.
- It's legal.
- (laughs) You know?
- Yeah.
- Nah, nah. I don't smoke.
- Secondhand? (mimics puffing smoke)
- All you gotta do is walk down the block.
Secondhand is everywhere, now.
- Yeah, aight. Aight.
- Listen, we made it legal but we just don't want it.
We don't want our children smoking on their way to school.
- Right.
- Or getting that gummy bears and other bullshit
that they selling. - [Marlon] Right.
- You know? - Right.
- We need to be real clear on that.
- Right. - I know you-
- They should smoke after school.
Now let's get real. - [Mayor] Yes.
Man, let me soften you up.
Now we got some real shit to ask you.
You said that prayers go out the classroom,
guns come in. - Mm-hmm.
- Now, I'm a church boy.
- [Mayor] Yes. - You know what I'm saying.
I mean I look it. - I can tell, I can tell.
- But my grandmother go to church.
- She prayed a lot.
- That's how you made it.
- But see, prayed don't always work.
- Yes it does.
- No, because my grandma prayed over
my gay cousin. - Mm-hmm.
- Her whole life.
She's still gay as hell.
- Your grandmother prayed for your cousin
then she gonna pray for her to be happy
and find peace.
And that peace may not be your piece.
- Bars!
(Mayor laughing)
That man got bars.
Aye. I got no, aye.
Aye. I (beep) with you, man.
Let's talk about Fox News.
(audience laughing)
They're dealing with a big lawsuit right now.
And because of it, a bunch of Fox News hosts
had to give up all their private texts.
So we've been finding out what
they really think about Donald Trump.
And it's hilarious.
- [Newscaster] According to court documents,
host, Tucker Carlson texted a producer
on January 4th, 2021,
"We are very, very close
to being able to ignore Trump most nights."
Referring to Trump, Carlson says,
"I hate him passionately
I can't handle much more of this."
- [Newscaster 2] Carlson added,
"We're all pretending we've got a lot to show for it,
because admitting what a disaster it's been
is too tough to digest.
But come on, there really isn't an upside to Trump."
- Oh.
Ooh!
That's fighting words.
Oh!
White on white crime. Let's go.
(audience laughing)
All right.
I know this looks bad but their makeup sex
is gonna be so much hotter.
(audience laughing)
You know, this is so embarrassing for Fox News.
If they wanna keep their shit quiet,
they should do what the crack dealers do.
Use a payphone.
(audience laughing)
"Yo. It's Sucker.
Listen. Black Lives matter.
They really do. They really do.
Alright, hit me back on my burner."
I'm enjoying this, though.
I have never seen someone's private text that was
so opposite from their public persona.
This like finding out Nikki Haley has a black sin.
She got texts like,
"Oh hell no. Y'all ain't coming at Nimarata like that."
(audience cheering and clapping)
(laughs) Sorry boo boo.
But if I'm being honest,
I do feel for Tucker a little.
'Cause it's brutal when your private shit talk
gets put out in the open like that.
It actually happened in my brother's just this week.
(message notification sound)
(audience laughing)
(message notification sound)
I remember when you fell asleep
and Omar sleeping, his eyes open like that.
- Yeah. (laughs)
(audience laughing)
- And me, him and Tupac Shakur was hanging out
'cause y'all did "Juice" together.
- Oh my goodness.
- And Omar was sleeping like this.
- Are you really bring this up?
- And what people don't about Pac is,
Pac is like a,
he was a funny dude. - He was a funny dude.
- So, Omar was sleeping like that.
And Omar,
and Pac went and took his balls and put 'em out
and put 'em right near Omar's mouth.
So it looked like Omar's like that.
(audience laughing)
(Omar and Marlon laughing)
- Yo. - I remember one time-
- Why did you just do that?
- I don't know.
'Cause you talking about all these sad memories.
I, my, my, my love passion and,
you know, remember the baby's born
and I, the umbilical cord and the shape of it.
- Yeah. - Oh, nigga.
Where's the jokes? Come on now.
(Omar laughing)
We had some good times.
- I was mad at Pac for that though.
I was super mad like, yo son,
you really gonna do that?
- Yeah, but you always get mad.
You, you ain't gotta,
you, you gotta work on that.
You got anger issues, man.
- How do I make it? - [Marlon] No, 'cause-
- If somebody take their nuts out
next to your mouth while you sleep.
Like that.
That, that can,
that would have went viral right now.
This is when we used to take Polaroids.
- Yeah, but see, you should've woke up like that.
Bap! You just hit 'em one time.
- (laughs) I was asleep.
- And, we just did like this, like a,
like a, like a, a speed bag. (babbling)
Out of black actors out there in Hollywood,
that are nominated, who else do you think
should be nominated? - Uh.
- For an Oscar.
Out of all the black guys.
Handsome, you know, kind of tall.
Good looking, funny, but not over the top.
But can be over the top,
if you actually make him in that situation.
- Is? - Kevin Hart.
- Kevin Hart? - Yeah.
(audience laughing)
- You ain't funny in everything, man.
- You're right. (laughing)
- Nah, you're not funny in everything.
- Which movie was I most unfunny in?
- You was in one of them corny shit, I remember.
- What's the corny shit out here?
- I can't remember right now, but it was corny, man.
- Okay. "Little Man"?
- "Little Man" was the shit, man.
Come back with "Little Man" Part 2.
- So, your interview with Jake Paul
went viral last month.
You roasted him and, and then he lost his fight.
Did, did that make you happy?
(audience laughing)
- I'll be, I'll be-
- Is that a hateful prayer you put out?
- I'll be honest, I didn't wanna watch the fight
'cause I didn't wanna watch him fight.
Like he's not actually a fighter.
But he told us, 'cause I asked him,
'cause he fancies himself as a boxing promoter
like a businessman.
So I'm like, what happens if you lose?
'Cause I'm thinking about the money of it.
And he's like,
"Well, I don't have a loser mentality.
That seems to be how you live life."
And I'm like, dude, I'm 42-years-old.
Like, you're not gonna nanny nanny boo boo me
into this.
But then I-
- Are you sure you're 42?
- I am 42.
- Nanny nanny boo boo. I thought you were 72.
- I thought my grandfather was sitting here for a second.
I said, "Earl?"
- But I tell you this, when I found out
Jake Paul had a rematch clause, I was like,
"Oh, who the loser now, dawg?"
It seems like - Ooh.
- It seems like, - Ooh.
- It seems like you had a plan,
just in case you got your whooped
which by the way is a generally good idea.
- Right.
- You just ain't gotta lie about it.
- [Marlon] Right. You think he'll whoop your ass?
- So it's, it's a, it's a dilemma.
Because,
(Marlon laughing)
on one hand there are weight classes for a reason.
On the other hand, I am 42 years old.
- [Marlon] Yes.
- I can't lose no fight to Jake Paul.
- [Marlon] Right. - Right. Why?
'Cause I can't.
Like, I, I can't go, I don't have kids
so I don't have it with them,
where like you can't beat me.
But, if Jake Paul beats me up in public
one of us at some point is going to have to die.
(Marlon laughing)
There's no other option.
- Here's another surprise you probably
saw coming, a mile away.
An anti-gay Republican just got caught in a thirst trap.
- For our top story this morning,
Tennessee's Lieutenant Governor is receiving criticism
after making several comments on nearly naked photos
of a 20-year-old gay man,
with his blue checked government account.
- [Newscaster 2] Over the last three years,
the Lieutenant Governor has been regularly commenting
on these extremely racy pictures of an influencer.
Everything from typing out fire emojis
where the male user had posted his backside,
to commenting that he has "a super look"
and that he loves his content.
Here's what his press team had to say.
"Trying to imply something sinister
or inappropriate about a great-grandfather's use
of social media says more about the mind
of the left-wing operative making the implication
than it does about Randy McNally.
Does he always use the proper emoji
at the proper time? Maybe not.
But he enjoys interacting with constituents
and Tennesseans of all religions,
backgrounds and orientations on social media."
Adding, "He has no intention of stopping."
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, I bet he has no intention of stopping.
I don't like to stop while I'm jerking either.
(audience laughing)
I love his excuse, though.
His excuse is, he's a great-grandfather.
That doesn't make it better.
The worst part is, you know,
he probably called his grandson in,
to teach him how to use Instagram.
"Hey Blakey.
Grandpa wants to tell this hot young twink
that he could ride my face like a unicycle."
(audience laughing)
What emoji should Pa Paul use?
So it's clear that afterschool programs
are hugely beneficial.
The problem is,
they just don't get a lot of money.
The federal government is barely funding these programs
and state governments aren't doing much better.
But, it is possible because California did it.
In fact, for the past 20 years,
California has outspent all the other 49 states combined
on afterschool programs.
Which is messed up, because California
actually has shit to do after school.
(audience laughing)
I mean seriously, like compare that to South Dakota.
There aint shit to do in South Dakota.
Kids can only look at Mount Rushmore for so long
before they're like,
"Hi. It is time to do some meth."
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering and clapping)
But the reason California spends so much
on afterschool programs,
is thanks to the work of one very kind,
dedicated kindergarten teacher
- [Newscaster] In 2002,
Arnold Schwarzenegger was almost
single-handedly responsible for California's passage
of Prop 49, which made afterschool funding mandatory.
Even today, the former Governor raises money
for afterschool programs with fun charity events
like, crushing things with his tank.
- I'm inviting you personally to Los Angeles
to crush things in my tank with me.
Let's crush a taxi cab.
(loud crashing sound)
Let's crush a piano.
(loud crashing sound)
This will benefit the afterschool all-stars.
So what are you waiting for?
Let's go around and crush things with that tank.
(audience cheering and clapping)
- Who knew that big buff mother (beep) loved kids.
"Ah. Save the children." (laughs)
We gotta get more celebrities to turn
their obsessions into charity.
Tom Cruise.
Start jumping outta airplanes to save baby seals.
Snoop Dogg smoke weed for global warming, baby.
(audience cheering and clapping)
Leonardo DiCaprio.
Well, have you seen his girlfriends?
He's already running an afterschool program.
(audience cheering and clapping)
I'm sorry Leo, they made me say it.
Please let me in your parties.
(bright energetic music)