'Hey Prom Queen, come on over here, let's get physical.'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘Good evening.’
The first film of Jim Chopping Mall Wynorski, you could say that The Lost Empire gives away its in entire plot, in the opening shot.
Which is weird because it has more plot than it knows what to do with.
‘Legend has it that Lee Chuck sold his soul to the devil for immortality.’
‘Undoubtedly eye of Avatar.'
‘Chicago fire, Titanic, Hiroshime, Jones town, you name it’
‘He who brings both together again shall rule as Dragon god’
Hope you followed that because it’s definitely what the film is about.
We open on a robbery conducted by Ninjas with deadly yoyos,
trying to obtain the eye of the avatar.
I wasn’t doing anything.
We then jump to a hostage situation,
‘There are three of them in there, terrorists probably, all armed to the teeth’
and since this is an 80s movie that can only mean the introduction of a maverick cop,
‘What do you have in mind Inspector Wolf’
who will save the day by recklessly endangering hostages whom the bad guys seem to have forgotten about.
‘Now you’re all mine.’
armed to the teeth eh?
Has anyone ever taken a helmet off and not been a beautiful woman?
'Do you have any idea whe the penalty is for hitting an FBI agent in the nose?'
‘How would you like a bust in the mouth?’
In this film?
‘I like it’
And just in case anyone missed that joke.
‘That was some bust last evening’
‘Really, I thought you’d have got used to it by now’
But now Angel here learns that her brother was injured in the ninja robbery and races to the hospital lobby where he’s being treated,
pausing only to put on some appropriate clothing.
'Who are you?'
'I'm a police officer and this is my brother.'
Later the news gets worse.
‘He’s dead isn’t he’
Reportedly, the cops who bring the news weren’t given lines to save money,
but thankfully it doesn’t undermine a serious scene.
The plot starts to fall into place.
‘I’m talking about international terrorism, mass murder and a legend of supernatural horror that goed back 200 years.'
Broad strokes; legendary evil Lee Chuck – named after Bruce and Norris –
is seeking the eye of the avatar to create a superweapon,
helped by his henchman.
‘You have heard of course of Dr Sin Do’
As explained by… Charlie Chan.
‘Inscrutable father play bad practical joke to be sure’
Moving on, Sin Do owns a small island.
‘We think he’s building an army of trained assassins’
Women only. Chosen via a martial arts competition.
‘But, they’re never told it’s just a one-way trip’
And are imprisoned and brainwashed.
So it’s Enter the Dragon, and like a busty Bruce Lee,
Angel heads to the island for vengeance,
but...
‘He only accepts entries in groups of three.’
Because, impressive though they are, you can’t base a whole film around Angel’s charlies.
‘assshole’
You need flesh out the supporting cleavage– cast.
First up.
‘Well who’d you expect? Tonto?’
This is White Star, who appears to be a spirit raised from a native American burial ground,
'Let's ride.'
or just likes a dramatic entrance because nothing else in the movie suggests that she is a spirit.
How many albino muppets died to make that bra?
The Character is played by Raven De La Croix, star of Russ Meyer’s Up.
‘You thinking what I’m thinking’ ‘No question about it’
and I’m sure her character will be respectful of her native American ancestry.
‘I have my reservations’
For the third, they head to prison.
‘They don’t call me Whiplash for nothing’
Feels like there’s a loophole in the prison dress code when it comes to underwear,
but it’s not her they’re here for, it’s her mud-wrestling opponent.
'I told you they'd be fun to watch.'
'Who is signed up in the shower.'
'Magnificent fighting, you make plenty good warrior.'
It's not gratuitous if she's been mud wrestling.'
So Angel has her team.
And they head for the airport.
We paid for these flags we’re gonna use them,
joining the other participants competing on Sin Do’s island.
Nice.
‘This will be your dwelling’
We painted it pink cos you’re a girl.
If this had a plot that went beyond 36-24-36,
I might point out that they’re all here willingly for the competition despite the fact that no one who enters has ever come back.
'You disappeared seven months ago, it was in all the papers. There was a reward out.'
‘No one will ever claim it. They’ll never let me get away from here.’
Also Sin Do wants them here, yet immediately tries to kill Angel,
good plan but he ignored one thing.
I’ll never get over these.
I’m starting think this movie doesn’t want to be taken seriously.
‘I hate robot spiders’
I’m also starting to notice that all the trials involve a lot of up and down movement while wearing heels.
That’s how to build an army.
Sin Do, played by Phantasm’s Angus Scrimm, now gets hold of his target.
‘The eyes of the Avatar’
You don’t care how.
But White Star has, somehow released the imprisoned girls,
'Comeon girls, lets get them.'
who have somehow broken their hypnotic programming and attack their captors.
‘I shall return’
Yeah, we’re definitely basing the sequel around a henchman.
‘Silence!'
Angel chases down Sin Do, who flaunts his immortality.
‘You can’t kill me, no one can’
proving he is the elusive Lee Chuck
and he the eyes of avatar complete his superweapon
'The destructive power of the laser canon will be unmatched in history.'
the laser Jeff Bezos would have built.
But…
'Where was I?'
'Absolutely nowhere Doo!'
In fairness, this doesn’t kill him.
‘Come here. Put up your dukes’
still, read the terms and conditions of your immortality cos he’s not much better off.
And the good guys make their escape.
It’s not often you can watch a movie, following none of it,
but still assured that you got everything out of it that the director intended.
Like Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity – please subscribe to check out our review –
it’s hard to criticise something, however sleazy it is, that is all it ever set out to be.
Although it does also want to be funny…
and is clangingly not.
‘Dahn, dahn, dah’
But I doubt that cost it many viewers.
'Is that a fact.'
Thanks for watching. Please hit the like button.
The beautiful girl beneath the motorcycle helmet is a classic, does anyone know which film did it first?
Suggestions in the comments below.
Genuinely interested to know that.
'Before we leave this place is going to run red with blood.'