- Ricky G sheds a tear, because Carl's letter
about school and pizza and Grandma and holding hands,
and that time he saw a cow, and a cow saw him,
sucks major butt.
It might be the worst letter of all time.
I love that Carl signs it, "Carl"
in case his Dad somehow forgot who wrote
this terrible letter in the middle of reading it.
Talking about juice is the first time
Gregory has ever made sense.
I one hundred percent agree with
Gregory's thoughts on juice.
But he loses me as soon as he starts
talking about all of his many accomplishments,
of which he actually has none,
other than being the only person on this show
I've ever wanted dead more than Carl.
Aaron's strategy to starve to death in the woods
until these people like him is dramatic,
but it's also...
not effective.
Perfect.
The only thing on the menu is
garlic sardine macaroni and cheese.
The bullets they're making won't be
nearly as lethal as the farts that are
about to be blasting out of their asses.
Stop me if you've heard this one before,
but a bling guy, a priest, and a hostage
walk into a bullet factory, and they're
all the same person.
Eugene scolds Father 'G' for his chicanery,
walks outside, and Daryl and Rosita deliver
some chicanery of their own,
right into these savior's grills.
Negan ominously whistles hello at Dwight,
then ominously tells him to put his cigarette out.
Then ominously does everything, super ominously.
And this dumb dumb somehow doesn't get the message.
Something about the way Negan is
oiling up his skull-crushing instrument,
would lead me to believe Simon's apology
is not being well received.
Negan tells Simon to get on his knees.
Words that usually come before you die
or catch a dick in your mouth.
Sometimes both, if it's a really bad day.
But Simon avoids both those fates.
Simon kisses ass, saying Negan's plan
to surround Hill Top has testicular heft,
because all these people do, all day long,
is talk about balls.
This walking word of a day calendar,
continues blabbing, even after Daryl removes a knife.
If you're talking, and someone takes a knife out,
that's a good time to stop talking.
Then Eugene starts talking to Rosita,
and she pulls her gun out,
and aims it right at his face.
If you're on a walk, and everyone else
on that walk is pointing weapons at your brain,
maybe it's time to shut the fuck up.
Rosita says they're going to shove him in a hole,
and only invite him to brunch when they
need to learn about some nerdy shit.
Like stuff about bitcoin, or Doctor Who references.
Simon wants Dwight's help taking out Negan,
and he's asking him to remember all the little
indignities Negan did to him over the years.
You know, those teeny tiny micro aggressions.
Like that time he ate Dwight's lunch
when the bag in the fridge clearly said
"Dwight's Lunch" right on the bag.
Or maybe that time he burned the shit out of your face
and banged your wife, dude.
Whatever motivates you more.
Eugene vomiting on Rosita to flee like a coward,
was one of the funniest things that's ever
been on this or any show.
But Rosita can't act too surprised.
Eugene's been spewing garbage for years.
This would be disgusting regardless.
But the fact that it was garlic sardine
macaroni and cheese vomit,
sends it right to the 'Gross Shit Hall of Fame'.
Eugene manages to completely bury himself in ashes
and under five seconds with his hands tied together.
And Daryl, who's longest running character attribute
next to ugly vest ownership,
is being a tracker extraordinaire,
somehow doesn't notice?
No. Just, no.
Aaron is not looking so good.
Even the wood zombies are like,
"Hey man, we're worried about you."
Aaron mud wrestles with the wood zombies,
passes out, then wakes up to a circle of women,
and mansplains their anger to them.
Simon has a discrete meeting about killing
the boss, out in the open, where anyone
can hear him talking in a loud volume.
And look at that,
Negan heard it,
because he was tipped off by Dwight.
The old switcheroo.
Say what you will about Dwight, but the man is consistent,
he betrays anyone who'll trust him.
Negan and Simon slap each other around,
grunt a bunch, and that is officially,
all she wrote for Simon.
Goodnight sweet prince.
This show really didn't deserve such a
great character that was basically just
the guy you were in GTA 5.
Dwight trusts Gregory with that map, really?
You could tie it to a three legged dog in a
hurricane and still feel more confident in the plan
than handing it over to that sack of crap.
Attention shoppers, there's a two for one sale
on switcheroos in the Walking Dead writer's room.
That, and mysterious hitchhiker Negan picked up
last week shockingly turned out to be the only
possible character it could've been.
And now Rick is walking straight into a trap.
Negan was right. People are a resource.
A resource you can use to murder other people.
I get that everyone's jacked up on Eugene's
workplace speech about not tripping,
but is nobody going to ask why he's
covered in the ashes of dead people?
Zero people have questions about that?
Okay cool, just checking.
Loved that Negan has to ask if it's the Michonne
with the dreads and sword, as opposed to
all the other Michonne's he's met
over the course of this thing.
Carl Grimes, master of subtleties,
starts his letter to Negan with,
"Negan, this is Carl."
Then once again ends the letter by signing, "Carl."
I thought when Carl died, we'd be done with him,
but he's ruining this show from beyond the grave.
At least this letter isn't as bad as the one he wrote Rick.
He just wants his two dads not to get a murder divorce.
Uh, did Negan really have to destroy that walkie talkie?
Because I guess people are a resource,
but walkie talkies grow on trees.
Tune in next week,
will Rick walk right into Negan's trap?
No. He's going to run in with two
guns blazing and a soaking wet head of hair.
What will happen to Dwight?
He's going to be Negan's right hand man.
Negan's going to cut his right hand off,
and use it to wipe his ass.
Will Oceanside show up at the last second?
Yes. They're going to thank zombie Simon
for killing all their men, because men ain't shit.
None of this and more, next time,
on The Walking Dead.