Hey there, this is Clay.
Welcome back.
In this video we're going to be continuing our discussion about common misconceptions
about the Advanced Relational Skills.
And in this one we're talking about the Advanced Relational Skill of emotional acceptance and
empathy.
Okay.
First of all, a big criticism that I have gotten and that some of the teachings that
I share with you guys have gotten, is that, um, you know, people say that you know, it's
all about being a doormat.
You know, you just have to say yes, be a doormat, be super accommodating, just sort of roll
over and just kind of let people walk all over you and your ex walk all over you.
Let guys and women and all of it.
It would just walk all over you, right?
That, that's, that's all that Clay teaches.
It's just being a doormat, right?
But I, I want to just clear it up, uh, by, by really addressing two things.
Number one is that emotional acceptance and empathy is not about being a doormat and which
we'll get into in this video.
And number two, which we'll get into some other time, is that emotional acceptance and
empathy is not the be all and end all of what we teach.
Of course there is composure, a where you have to really be true to yourself and what
it is that you want and what you stand for, but you're not going to be able to get there
unless you are first able to emotionally accept and welcome in what is actually happening
in reality.
Okay?
Now this brings us to the topic of today's video, which is emotional acceptance and empathy.
And I really want to clarify this whole point up that emotional acceptance and empathy is
absolutely not about just being a doormat.
Just about seeing yes blindly just about, um, you know, letting somebody walk all over
you or anything like that.
In fact, um, what it is really about, it's just about getting real with what's actually
happening.
Okay?
Because so many times people just emotionally resist things that are happening.
You know, maybe you're still in love with your ex or maybe you met a guy or a girl or
something like that.
And you find out that they're dating somebody else, right?
Oftentimes this can cause people to resist, to push away what is actually happening in
reality.
So first of all, just understand that when you say, no, I can't believe you're dating
somebody, oh, this is terrible.
Why is this happening?
Why is this always happening?
Like first of all, when you do that on an emotional level, you're not changing the fact
that they're dating somebody else.
They are still dating somebody else, right?
So resisting the fact that they are dating somebody else.
In this example, you are not changing anything about reality.
It is still happening.
The fact that you are freaking out and panicking and resisting it is not adding anything to
the situation.
It is not contributing to changing the situation.
It is not making any difference whatsoever to what is actually happening out there.
Okay?
So if that is the case, then why do we resist it emotionally?
Because we are not emotionally okay with what is real.
And when you can be emotionally okay with what is real, then you can emotionally welcome
in and accept what is happening.
Okay?
Now this doesn't mean being a doormat and just being like, oh, that's great.
You're dating other people.
That's awesome.
I hope you date like 20 other people because that would be amazing if like you were dating
a million people and I was just kind of on the sidelines waiting for, you know, you to
have like a spare Sunday afternoon or something.
That's not what I'm suggesting at all.
What I'm suggesting is that you just get real about what is happening because when you get
real about what's happening, you are in a much better grounded and composed place to
actually do something meaningful about it.
Okay?
So for example, if you find out that this person that you like is dating somebody else,
you can one, resist it, push it away.
Say, no, I can't believe is happening.
I'm just going to look away.
I'm going to pretend it's not happening.
I'm gonna like freak out.
I'm going to panic.
I'm gonna, you know, tell myself some story about how men or women are dogs and they,
you can't trust them or whatever.
I can go into all of that, but that's not gonna change anything out there, but if you
accept it, you're like, yeah, okay.
That's maybe not what I want, but that's actually what's really happening.
I'm not pushing it away.
I'm just kind of saying, yeah, that's what's happening out there.
I'm going to take a deep breath.
Welcome it in.
Except that it is happening.
That's why we call it acceptance.
Okay?
And from there, you know you can move on to the next Relational Skill.
Decide what you're going to do about it, okay?
But first you have to accept it, right?
If you're just pushing it away and resisting it, you're not gonna be able to do anything
different about it.
Now, here's how this actually helps to create a stronger connection between you and your
ex, you and a guy, you and a girl, any sort of interpersonal situation, right?
This is how this works... is, this doesn't just happen on big things, right?
When you're, you know, find out that they're dating somebody else or something like that.
It happens in these small moment by moment things.
Okay?
Like for example, I'm a guy, for example, okay, so let's just say I'm a single guy and
I'm out on a date with a woman right?
Now, I could be out of emotional acceptance, out of empathy with what is real with what
is actually going on, and I could see her as a "woman," you know, one of those people
to put up on a pedestal, you know, you have to be real nice and pleasant to them so that
she'll reward me with sex because I'm a good little boy and I'm a good pickup artists,
and I know how to do The Cube and I know all this BS canned routines and all this bullshit.
And that's gonna pull me out of reality that's going to cause me to resist the reality.
So what is the reality?
Right?
Sure, she is a woman, but more than that, she is also a human being.
And as a human being, she has emotional experiences just like I do.
Okay?
And so when I can actually accept that and realize that she's a human being who has emotional
experiences, just like I do, suddenly I don't have to perform for her like a pickup artist.
I can just have an actual, legitimate, real open, honest conversation with her about the
emotions that she's experiencing, the emotions that I'm experiencing.
And suddenly we're connecting on a much deeper way rather than, you know, making up some
BS story about how my ex girlfriend is a supermodel and she's jealous or something like that to
demonstrate higher value.
So my point here is that when you are actually able to connect with somebody on an emotional
level and have that deep connection, what's happening is that you are accepting them.
You are accepting them where they are at.
You're accepting the reality of them, okay?
And when you are resisting the reality of them, you're buying into labels that you put
on people.
You know, whether that's this person's a man, this person's a woman, this person.
Is this the key to my happiness.
This person can validate or invalidate me or, or anything else.
Right?
And of course this applies to external things as well too, like you know, when you find
out someone who's dating somebody else, somebody said something about you that's less than
flattering, or whatever.
And so I hope this clears up the issue about emotional acceptance and I hope that you can
understand that this is absolutely not about being a doormat.
Not about just saying.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Cheat on me again.
This is great.
Yeah, let's do it.
Yeah.
Cheat on me again.
No, it's not about that.
So anyway, I hope this clears this up.
If you want to learn more about how to get the relationship that you want, whether that's
a restoring things with your ex, whether that's meeting the girl of your dreams and getting
a date with her and getting commitment from her with that's meeting the guy of your dreams,
getting a date and getting commitment from him, uh, or anything in between.
Please head on over to RelationshipInnerGame.com.
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Take care.