- Here are some things that really piss me off.
People in really loving relationships
who show their love in public,
like holding hands and kissing and laughing hysterically,
when it's clearly not a funny joke.
And just being happy.
Maybe it's just happy people that really annoy me?
(banging sound)
People who do renovations when you live in an apartment.
(banging sound)
(sighs) It's very annoying.
At least it's the middle of the day, this--
(washing machine jingle)
(sighs) My washing machine also really pisses me off.
The amount of money I spend on Uber Eats,
it's a lot, Uber Eats is expensive.
I really love the convenience of it,
but I hate the convenience of it because it's--
(banging sound) really--
Oh, this is gonna be really irritating.
Is this gonna go on for the duration of this video?
(banging sound)
I'm so sorry.
This is what I have to live with.
I understand it's currently 2:00 now,
which is a perfectly fine time to renovate on a Sunday,
but this has been going on since 6:30 AM this morning.
Winter, it's freezing, I hate the cold.
Summer, I hate the heat.
(groans) My auto correct.
When I'm in Grindr, I put "I enjoy running."
I don't enjoy running, I enjoy r--
Shocking apartment designs.
There's an apartment building across the road from mine.
It's an oval shape, which means
the bedroom has a curved wall.
You cannot do anything with a curved wall.
I don't understand why they've designed this apartment
with a bedroom that, I mean, it just,
it doesn't make any sense to me.
When I go to a cafe and I look on the table,
and I'm like, is that a bucket of sand?
Or is that salt, or is that sugar?
Oh, it's unrefined sugar.
I just want those little packets of sugar
that I can put in my coffee, okay?
Although my PT says try to not do that.
PT's, they piss me off.
Like I love the feeling of being sore
and knowing that you've worked after a gym.
My PT, so annoying, "Ooh just do another five."
I'm like, I can barely do another one.
"Oh, it's only 30 kilos."
Yeah, mate, you've been doing this for 14 years.
You're very ripped, you have bulging muscles.
My bulge is fat, OK, I don't have muscle.
So don't tell me I can do another five more.
"Oh, but it's so easy, just give me another four then."
The fact that in this day and age,
society frowns upon parents who hit their children.
Kids, I go places and they don't listen to their parents,
and their parents are like
"OK, Darling, you need to be bit more quiet.
"We're in public and you're annoying everyone."
This is what I would do:
I would slap Susie across the face and say,
"If you, you little bitch, don't shut the f*ck up,
"I will hit you again."
Oh, when you forget your sunnies
and you go to like a lunch that's outside,
and the tables are white and the cars are white,
and there's reflection and it's really bright,
and you're squinting,
and then your eyes get like really sore.
That's really annoying.
When you land on plane,
and they say "You can turn your phone on now."
And people turn their phone on, and they've got it on loud,
and they keep getting an incessant amount of text messages.
They're holding their phone and looking at it,
yet it's still dinging.
Put it on silent, you stupid morons.
Toilet bowls are not designed for men to piss into,
OK, piss goes everywhere.
Why can't we have a female toilet and a male toilet?
Where the male toilet is just like,
it's just a enormous funnel,
and it's just like, literally, it's just a urinal.
Why can't we just have home urinals?
It's not even a toilet, it's just like a section
of the floor that you can just piss on
and then push a button and it flushes.
Like, have you ever peed, just peed in the shower,
and then just turned the shower on?
Me either.
"Oh, but that's frowned upon because it's a shower."
Mate, (slaps leg) people piss in the shower anyway.
Ah, membership cards, everything needs a card.
"Here's a card. Have a card."
"Here's a gift card."
"Have a credit card."
"Here's a different credit card."
"Here's four bank cards."
There are so many cards, I hate cards.
When will we just be able to pay with our retinas?
Dogs that just don't stop barking.
Like what are they barking at?
Just shut up, it's a rock.
When I get a match on Tinder, and they don't talk to me.
I'm not messaging you.
I don't wanna be the first one to message you.
How do I know you haven't swiped just to see
if I've liked you?
I don't wanna message you, you need to message me, OK?
Why do I have to do it?
I don't want to have to start a conversation.
Hot straight men, like really hot straight men,
who look like a little bi-curious,
but they're not, like they're just straight.
But you're like (gasps) maybe they are,
and you don't know and then you obsess over them,
you're like they're so attractive.
When you order food and it comes,
and it's boiling hot and you're starving,
and you just wanna eat it.
It's so hot, and you gotta sit there and wait.
Otherwise you burn your mouth and you ruin everything
for the rest of the day.
Trying to grow plants and keeping them alive.
That, my friend, is a bullshit.
Plants are needier than children.
"Water me now, put me in the sun now,
"I need to be in a greenhouse now.
"Put me in a bigger pot now."
This plant, this fiddle leaf fig,
can I tell you, easiest thing in the world.
I water it once every week, if it's lucky.
It's so good, look at it.
That's the closest thing I'll ever have to a child.
When the apartment says it's two bedrooms,
but the second bedroom is definitely not a bedroom.
It's some weird thing in the middle of the living area,
and it's got no windows and the doors are slidey doors.
(rattling sound)
Oh, for Christ sakes, do you have...
When you order like a sandwich,
and it comes in like that sourdough bread roll,
but there's so much flour on the top.
I'm like, I don't want the flour on the top.
It gets all over your hands.
It gets all over your face.
It then looks like you've been doing lines of coke
in the bathroom, and you're eating it and (makes raspberry)
white powder's going everywhere,
and you brush it off and it just tastes floury.
Don't put flour on top of bread rolls.