Why won't my ex text me first? That's what we're going to be talking about in this video.
But first, my name is Clay with modernlove.life, where we help you get the great loving relationship
that you're looking for, without having to play mind games, without having to play hard
to get, and without having to pretend to be someone or something that you are not. Because
you deserve to be loved for the unique, amazing, and wonderful person that you are. And if
you agree with me, please do me a favor by hitting that thumbs up button for the YouTube
algorithm, and subscribing to this channel so that you can get more notifications when
we post and upload new videos. Also, we are going to be talking about your
ex's emotional state in this video. If you want to learn more about how to kind of navigate
that journey of your ex's emotional state, from being hurt about the past, or something
like that, towards actually being open to talking to you, interacting with you, and
possibly even getting back together with you again, then please make sure you check out
our course called The Ex Solution Program. You can find that down in the description
box below this video, but you know, I'm not going to twist your arm on it, so no worries.
All right. So let's see. If your ex is not initiating contact with you through text or
through any other form, it's easy to think that they're holding out, they're stringing
you along, they're playing some sort of mind game. They're trying to keep the upper hand
in terms of power over you, or something like that. If you listen to other breakup coaches
out there, they might tell you that, even overtly, that yeah, your ex is trying to have
some sort of power play over you and they're stringing you along, they're toying with you
emotionally, or something like that. I'm not going to say it that's out of the realm of
possibility because, if your ex is some sort of twisted person with some sort of psychological
disorder, then yeah, they might be doing that. But you know, aside from that, like 1% of
people, I don't even know how many people out there have like crazy power trip disorders
like that. But you know, aside from that one little sliver of people, most of the people
out there are not initiating contact for other reasons. And that's what we're going to be
getting into in this video. So, first of all, one of the reasons your
ex may not feel comfortable initiating contact with you is obviously because they might be
hurt, they might be upset. They might be sort of hung up still on something that happened
in the past. Something that happened before, during, or after the breakup, that the two
of you had. If there some sort of big knock down drag out fight, or argument, or hurt
trust, or betrayal, or misunderstanding of some sort, they could still be holding on
to that pain. They're not going to initiate contact with
you unless they can let go of that pain, or obviously, for some sort of practical reason
like, hey, can I come by and pick up my stuff? But obviously that's not as exciting as actually
them wanting to talk to you. So what you want to do is you want to obviously clear away
that pain, clear away, and you have that misunderstanding or hurt or anything like that. You can do
this by working through the emotions that your ex is feeling, acknowledging those emotions,
giving them some sort of context to understand why he did or said, or didn't do, or didn't
say, whatever you did or said, or didn't do, or didn't say; so that they can understand
maybe why all that happened and they can get a glimpse, and they don't have to fill in
the blanks with their own thoughts that, oh, you just did that because you're a jerk. You
did that because you never cared. Or you did that because maybe they think you are stringing
them along, or trying to go on some sort of power trip. Or something like that.
But you have to address it. You have to address it first and foremost. I know that there are
people that say, "You just got to let wait, just wait forever, just wait forever and ever,
and ever, and ever, and ever. And eventually they'll come crawling back to you on broken
shards of glass." But that is not what typically happens. What happens is that that hurt, that
pain, kind of congeals and calcifies into resentment and bitterness. And they actually
end up becoming one of those people that's like years and years down the road, they're
like, yeah, I hate my ex or, I still miss my ex, but my aim is getting better. You know,
all that stuff. What you do want to do is, you want to directly
address it. Because if you don't, it can just kind of like fester and turn into bitterness,
resentment, contempt, all that bad stuff. So, by all means, go ahead and do all of that.
Additionally, your ex may not reach out to you and contact you and initiate contact with
you, even if they want to, and even if they have a lot of strong feelings for you, positive
feelings, because they're confused about what the two of you want. Now, this is actually
really, really common. But what's going on is your ex often feels pulled into this sort
of dual polarity thing, where they often think that like, okay, if we're going to get back
together, it's going to be all or nothing. We're going to get back together, and we're
going to have a relationship, or we're going to be nothing at all.
That might be something that you like, but it's a really not so great place for them
to be in when it comes to building the emotional connection, because they might think, well,
I don't know if we're going to get back together or not. I feel uncomfortable making that decision
right now, especially when we don't have an emotional connection beneath us. There's no
emotional foundation beneath us. So what do they do? They do what most people do when
they feel unprepared to make a decision, they procrastinate, and stall, and do absolutely
nothing. Which means that they don't initiate contact with you. They don't try to make things
better. They just sit there and do absolutely nothing.
What you want to do is you want to take that, that sort of all or nothing approach, and
sort of create this gray space in the middle, where it's okay for the two of you to not
know how the two of you fit into each other's lives. It's okay for the two of you to just
be friends for the time being. It's okay for the two of you to be confused, or to not have
all the answers. That's totally okay. If you can create that context, it can give
them permission to spend time with you, and to interact with you, without them having
to freak themselves out by thinking like, "oh my goodness, if I text you, if I meet
up with you, if I talk to you, it means we're getting back together. I don't know if I'm
ready for that. That's going to freak me out. I'm going to panic. I'm going to stall, procrastinate,
whatever." And it's going to allow them to actually say, "You know what, it's okay. We're
not going to force anything. That's not there. We're just going to take it nice and easy
if it ever gets in over our heads, if it ever starts moving too fast, we can always dial
it back. No worries. Let's just take this one step at a time. Let's just be friends
for the time being." If you can kind of create that context where
they can go ahead and do that, that decreases that level of expectation and stress, and
it gives them permission to actually interact with you, which of course allows you to build
up that emotional foundation beneath the two of you. So that once the foundation is in
place, you can actually leverage that to create a stronger emotional bond and actually get
back together. It works out so much more seamlessly than
the ultimatum approach that people often feel compelled to do. Is there some coach out there
that's telling you to do that? That just, I don't know why people get this idea that
they have to say like, "Hey, either we're going to get back together or nothing at all.
I'm not willing to settle for anything in between." There must be someone out there
that's telling you to do that. And I can totally understand that in like a dating context,
where it's like someone who is trying to keep you in this sort of like quasi relationship
where you're not quite together, but you're not quite apart. And you got to like force
that boundary. I totally get that. But when it comes to like a breakup where
there are a lot of complicated emotions, a lot of fears about jumping back into the same
dynamic that didn't work in the first place, and so on and so forth. You don't want to
do that. You want to build up the connection first, so that they feel comfortable interacting
with you. So that they feel comfortable kind of letting their mind think like, "Oh, what
would it be like for us to be back together again? Oh, this is actually kind of nice the
way that we're doing this. This is kind of nice how we're having these great conversations
or whatever. I could kind of see myself enjoying this. I could see that this wouldn't end up
in a breakup like it did in the past." And if you can kind of go down that road, then
it makes so much more sense. I'd really recommend that you do something
like that. Because your ex most likely isn't initiating contact. Not because they're playing
some sort of power game over you, or stringing you along, or something like that. Yes, that
is a very slim possibility. But the vast majority of the time, it's not that. It's just someone
who's genuinely having a legitimate, emotional experience that's causing them to not feel
compelled to interact with you. So you may want to address the hurt, the pain, the frustration,
the whatever, could be still lingering between the two of you. Definitely go ahead and clear
that out. You may also want to kind of address decreasing
the expectations so you can build that emotional connection.
By the way, if you do want to learn more about how to build that emotional connection, we
do have a video playlist on what we call advanced relational skills. You can find that up there
in the corner. That'll walk you through the ability that you can have to connect better
with your ex, to bring the two of you closer together again, so that you can build up that
emotional foundation. Again, check it out over there in the corner.
But again, thank you so much for watching this video. If you do like what we're doing
here, once again, for the YouTube algorithm, give this video that thumbs up. It does help
us out, really it does. And subscribe to this channel so that you can get notifications
when we post and upload new content for you. You may also want to check out that course
that we mentioned called The Ex Solution Program. You can find a link for that down in the description
box below. If it's right for you, hey, you're welcome to sign up. We'd love to have you
become one of our next success stories. If it's not right for you, that's totally okay,
too. If you're just curious, there's a link down there. But hey, whatever you want to
do, totally fine. Thank you so much for watching this video.
I'll see you on the next video. And if you do want to learn more about those advanced
relational skills, please feel free to check out this video series over here. Or on the
other hand, if you'd like to check out this video, go ahead and click that as well too,
but thank you so much. And I'll talk to you next time. Please take care.