Last night, the first and
first black president of the United States said his good-bye
to 20,000 of his closest friends.
And you could tell
Obama was really the president of millennials,
because the entire speech seemed like one giant subtweet.
-(cheering) -Democracy does require...
a basic sense of solidarity.
We weaken those ties when we define some of us
as more American than others.
...when we sit back
and blame the leaders we elect
without examining our own role in electing them.
It falls to each of us
to be those anxious, jealous guardians of our democracy.
If something needs fixing,
then lace up your shoes and do some organizing.
If you're tired of arguing with strangers on the Internet,
try talking with one of them in real life.
(laughter)
Okay, this guy has clearly never been catfished before.
(laughter)
Look, I don't say this often,
but I do not agree with the president.
Do not meet people that you've argued with on the Internet.
It will end with you bleeding in an alley.
-(laughter) -Don't do it. Don't do it.
You know, last night's speech felt less
like a farewell address,
and more like a parent who's going on vacation
telling his kids how to behave while he's away.
He's like, "Right, American kids,
"um, uh, race relations--
"you'll find those in the fridge.
"Uh, make sure you know the Supreme Court justice
"before you let him in.
"Uh, and, uh, your baby-sitter-- yeah, uh, he's coming soon.
"Uh, stop complaining. You chose him. You chose him.
"Do what he says, but if he asks you to take a shower,
"you should probably say no. Probably say no.
That's what you should do, probably say no."
(laughter)
Can I just take a second here, guys?
Like, how is... how is all of this real?
(laughter)
No. Like, how is this politics?
How is this what we're talking about?
'Cause what happened yesterday--
I mean, you could not have a bigger juxtaposition
between the president America is losing
and the president America is gaining.
Like, did you know that last night,
the number one trending topic on Twitter was "Obama Farewell."
And the second trending topic--
no kidding-- was "golden showers."
(laughter)
Now, I don't know if I need to, but I'll explain anyway.
(laughter)
Last night, right about when Obama was speaking,
BuzzFeed leaked an unconfirmed report
that claimed that Russia has blackmail material
on Donald Trump which includes damaging financial
and personal details about him.
Now, if it's true, the financial stuff is bad enough,
but the personal is what's got the people going,
because it claims
that Donald Trump once visited Russia,
stayed in the Ritz-Carlton in Moscow,
and then hired prostitutes to perform a golden shower.
And that Russia might have the whole thing on tape.
(laughter)
Yeah, and now, we don't know if this is true.
But if the Donald could shake America to its core
with an audio tape,
imagine what he could do with video.
(laughter)
You know what the worst part of the story is?
Because the story trended worldwide,
-this morning, I got a call... -(laughter)
Oh, is... are you looking at that?
(laughter)
I can't front, it's funny, I can't front, it is.
I'll-I'll tell you why this is the worst thing for me.
Because this morning I got a call from my African uncle
with a question.
He was like,
(African accent): "Trevor...
what is a golden shower?"
(laughter)
"Yes. Mm-hmm.
"And then?
But I thought you guys had toilets over there."
(laughter)
Now, just to be clear, there is no proof any of this is true.
But because it's Donald Trump,
it feels like anything is possible.
I mean, this is the same person who grabs pussies.
He walks in on girls getting changed.
And if you were to choose a sexual act
that Donald Trump prefers, it would probably be the one
with "gold" in the title.
You'd think... and it all makes sense.
And now, because of this, everything from Trump's past
takes on a different meaning.
Like his hotel ad from a few years ago
where he says that he never misses a "golden opportunity."
-(laughter) -That's his own ad!
All of this, all of this is like Keyser Söze,
like-like now we flash back through everything,
and suddenly we realize what, maybe, it all meant.
Like for instance, remember how Trump had that weird business
where people had to send him their pee?
NEWSMAN:
health supplements and other products
person to person.
NEWSWOMAN:
supposedly tailored to each customer
after they sent their urine to a lab for analysis.
(audience groaning)
(laughter)
Now, look, now, look, that seems disgusting,
but at least back then Donald Trump was getting
Now he's outsourcing it to Russia.
And again, and again, this is all unsubstantiated.
Right? And we shouldn't be wasting our time here.
But what else can you talk about?
What else can you talk about today?
I mean, what, you're gonna talk about Jeff Sessions
being nominated for attorney general
and the fact that Republicans are trying to confirm a man
with a history of opposing civil rights
to run the Justice Department?
We
on anything... when you hear about Trump
possibly being involved in water sports
and
(others laughing, clapping, whooping)
-WOMAN: Wow! -(Trump groans)
(laughter)
-Was that water? -(laughter)
Because then that's a
#TrumpChallenge. Don't send us your videos.
-I, uh... -(laughter)
I feel so bad for Donald Trump,
because now every single memory of his is gonna be tarnished.
Like this moment from the debates.
I would bring back waterboarding,
and I'd bring back a hell of a lot worse than waterboarding.
(laughter, groaning)
NOAH: This poor guy, he can't even be celebrated
without us thinking he's getting peed on.
NEWSMAN:
left Trump Tower this morning...
bound for the airport where his plane was given
a so-called "water salute."
(laughter)
A "water salute."
Now, you see, I want to believe
that Trump was sitting in his chair
and not standing at the cockpit window like...
(laughter)
I feel like if Trump shakes his head,
his hair will stay in the same place.
And, you know what, I... I personally think it's terrible
that people are spreading an unconfirmed rumor
that Donald Trump likes golden showers.
It's disgusting!
It would be like suggesting that President Obama
was a secret Muslim born in Kenya.
Or suggesting that Hillary Clinton was a murderer.
Or saying that Ted Cruz's dad killed John F. Kennedy,
which is not true!
Only thing he killed was his smile.
How could anyone justify spreading rumors
they know are completely false?
All I did is point out the fact
that on the cover of the
there's a picture of her... him...
and crazy Lee Harvey Oswald...
I'm not saying he did it,
but I'm just saying it was all over the place.
Was there a birth certificate? You tell me.
You know, some people say that was not his birth certificate.
I'm saying I don't know. Nobody knows.
Exactly. Nobody knows.
So did Donald Trump pay prostitutes for a golden shower?
I don't know.
-Nobody knows. -(laughter)
But a lot of people are talking.
-Including my uncle. -(laughter)