Thank you! Welcome to Full Frontal, we're back!
We were on hiatus for a few weeks and I know what you've all been thinking --
(CRUZ): Why am I persecuted?
Aw, I missed you too but I was so proud to represent our country on the US olympic
sailing team. Let's get right to the big news, Hillary Clinton has passed away
She says she's not dead, but as we know she is a liar
I mean,whoever thought someone with the body of a weak and feeble woman could
ever lead a great nation? Hillary's death was the culmination of a great month for
her
The race for the White House is entering the final stretch and the continuing
drip drip drip of bad headlines for Hillary Clinton surrounding her emails
and the Clinton Foundation too. It may be hurting her in the polls. One recent
national poll shows Clinton was just a two-point lead down from four points two
weeks ago
Yay, we're back within the margin of terror!
Now if you're a boy, you will have noticed that those numbers don't add up
to a hundred percent because of third-party candidates who give Hillary
haters a chance to remain morally pure while also putting Donald Trump in the
White House. After spending months complaining that we weren't paying enough
attention to them,
Johnson and what's-her-name finally got us to give them a closer look, I'm sorry --
I meant Dr. what's-her-name. Send your angry petitions to:
A sentient Caucasian dreadlock, Jill Stein, is so thirsty for media attention that
she's taken to petty crime
Meanwhile, my workout buddy Gary Johnson like so many charming jocks before him,
flunked his geography test.
(BARNICLE) And what would you do, if you were elected, about Aleppo?
(JOHNSON) And what is Aleppo? (BARNICLE) You're kidding.
(JOHNSON) No.
it's a city in Syria. You wouldn't like it, it doesn't have many walls left
to climb. So, lady Nader and Pothead Perot have both made that critical mistake of
letting voters know who they are.
Meanwhile, George Wallace in a wig has yet another new campaign manager. Her job
seems to involve crushing a klonopin into his breakfast MCFlurry, pointing him
at a teleprompter and begging him to use his inside voice. Which unfortunately
makes him sound like he's reading the world's creepiest bedtime story.
I passed so many places, factories, 20-30 years ago they were thriving and they just -- dead.
Who's negotiating these deals? Who's doing it?
We only have bad jobs, we don't have good jobs anymore.
And then, other things will be happening, it will be so exciting
death, death to so many people
Oh my god, that's the voice you hear when you're
being chloroformed
Shh, go to sleep, my beautiful butterfly
Come on Hilary, God has given you the gift of opponents even less appealing
than you! Just keep your eyes on the prize, take that high road straight to
the White House.
to just be grossly generalistic, you could put half of
Trump supporters into what I call the basket of deplorables. The racist, sexist
homophobic, Xenophonic, Islamophobic you name it
No! Bad! I swear to God, Hillary Clinton is the only woman I know who can trip over her
own dick. What was that?Did your team just decide, "hey, nothing else is working,
why don't we try insulting Americans into voting for her?" When you see "grossly
generalistic" in the prompter that's when you take a breath and think, "do I
want to keep talking?" Youu don't barge ahead and torpedo your campaign with a
dumb remark. That's Bill's job!
Don't alienate the deplorables! You can't win a four-way race with just plorables.
Now, okay
it's true that Trump's rhetoric has inspired some bigots and mentally ill
people to commit hate crimes and terrorize people of color. In fact,
there's actually a Google map of the incidents, which is weird because all the
racicsts
I know still use Mapquest. But still, Hillary shouldn't have exaggerated. Half
of all Trump supporters? I mean, please. a PPP poll that showed that sixty-five percent
A PPP poll showed that 65%
of Trump supporters believe that President Obama is Muslim. Fifty-nine
percent believe he was not born in the United States.
No no no that can't be right.
a 60-percent of those adamant Trump supporters, associate immigrants with
criminality.
Nearly half of Trump supporters described African Americans as
more violent than whites, the same proportion described African-Americans
more criminal than whites, 40-percent described them as more lazy than whites
Ok, we are going to need a bigger basket.
We'll be right back.