There are four things that if
you do them when you and your
spouse are in the middle of
fighting can actually give a
huge likelihood that you and
your spouse may likely divorce.
And in fact, if you stop doing
these four things in the middle
of fighting, then the chances of
divorce decrease 80 to 90%,
which is incredible. That's an
incredible stat. All of this was
found in the work of Dr. John
Gottman out at the Love Lab, the
University of Washington in
Seattle several years ago. And
these are four horsemen that
have been around a long time,
and maybe you've even heard of
them. But in today's video, I'm
going to be going a quick
overview of what the Four
Horsemen are, but really, we're
going to sit for a minute on the
one called stonewalling. We're
going to talk about what
stonewalling is and what the
antidote to stonewalling can be
in order to stop stonewalling
and actually do more productive
things in the middle of your
fighting. And in the middle of
your conversations. Overall, the
Four Horsemen are as follows The
first of the four horsemen in no
particular order is
defensiveness. Defensiveness
many of us can understand is
pretty much what it sounds like
when someone like my husband, if
he were to come to me and say,
You didn't take the trash out
today, or something like that,
then if I respond by Well, you
didn't do your part, you didn't
unload the dishwasher, or I
haven't taken the trash out,
because I've been doing all of
these other things around the
house that you never show
appreciation for that's
defensiveness. And it's
basically saying that I'm not
the problem. It's you the
opposite of what Taylor Swift
would say. It's basically
saying, Hey, I'm diverting
blame, because I don't really
want to take responsibility for
my actions. And this
defensiveness continues to
spiral the conversation
downward, you're likely never
gonna get out of a cycle of
defensiveness because it just
leads the other person to become
more defensive. The second of
the four horsemen is criticism.
And in criticism, it's when you
begin to see the other person as
the problem and not just their
actions. So it's basically when
you begin to say, What's wrong
with you. It's when you turn a
complaint, and you make it very
personal. So a criticism and
example how I might be critical
towards my husband is if he
didn't take the trash out, and
instead of just saying, Hey,
babe, would you mind getting the
trash when you get the chance?
It would instead be me saying,
Rob, how do you always forget to
take the trash out? What's wrong
with you? You do this all the
time? What's wrong with you? I'm
not just talking about the
behavior. I'm now attacking his
character. I'm attacking him
personally. That's criticism.
The third of the Four Horsemen
is contempt. And this one kind
of plays off of criticism. It's
taking criticism a step deeper,
where it's not just you looking
at the other person and saying,
What's wrong with you? But it's
looking at the other person and
saying, not only is there
something wrong with you, but
I'm better than you. You are
beneath me in some way. It's
taking the example of the trash
and saying, Hey, Rob, why didn't
you take the trash out? You
never take the trash out. You
know what I knew you were good
for nothing. You You're just
lazy. You just sit around all
day? How can I get anything done
when I don't have someone in the
house to actually help me do
anything? I can't believe you.
This takes criticism several
steps further, because I'm not
just attacking his character,
but I'm actually putting him in
a place where I see myself as
being superior to him. I see
myself as being better than him.
And the real problem with that
is I'm going to begin acting
like that. And people who live
in contemptuous marriages, they
they suffer from suffer, or they
suffer from decreased immune
system, they are more likely to
be sick all of the time. Many
other terrible things. But
that's not the topic of today's
video. It's terrible, though,
shouldn't be contemptuous. Then
the fourth of the Four Horsemen
is stonewalling. And
stonewalling at its core is
basically what it sounds like
that the person who is doing the
stonewalling is putting a wall
up, and they're starting to shut
themselves off from what they're
hearing. It would be like in
this situation, the example I'll
continue using, if I go to my
husband, Rob, and I say, Why
didn't you take the trash out,
and he just begins to shut down,
he begins to maybe try and leave
the room or escape the
conversation. Maybe he just
clamps down to where he won't
speak to me no matter how much I
try to get him to. And you see,
there's two things that are
typical to happen in this kind
of situation. I am not a stone
Waller. My husband actually
isn't either. But for this type
of conversation, let's say my
husband Rob was a stone roller.
And then if I go to him, and I'm
trying to get him to talk to me
about something, I'm trying to
get him to discuss a situation
or to talk about an issue like
not taking the trash out or
whatever it might be Then, if he
begins stonewalling, it's when
he starts to shut down. It's
going to lead me to just press
in further. Why aren't you
talking to me? I need you to
answer me. I'm going to actually
escalate in my conflict in order
to try and get him to talk to
me, which actually, as a
stonewalled would just get him
to shut down even more. Think of
it like a box turtle. So there's
snapping turtles, and there's
box turtles, for this example,
snapping turtles, you try and
fight them, they're going to
snap back, they're going to
fight back. But a box turtle, if
you go up to it, and you scare
it, if you try and fight them,
they're just going to go into
their shell, and they're going
to seal themselves off. That's
what stonewalling is. But
another way that stonewalling
could occur is if two people are
stone Waller's. So let's say I'm
a stone Waller, and my husband's
a stone Lawler, then if I get
angry at him, I may begin by
bringing up an issue or trying
to address something I probably
tend to do with passive
aggressively. Maybe I actually
don't say anything about taking
out the trash, but I get the
trash, I start throwing the bag
on the ground, really loudly,
tying it shut, stomping through
the kitchen and through the
house to the back door to take
it out, slam the door shut
behind me, because I don't want
to actually address the problem
with him because I'm
stonewalling. But I want him to
hear that I'm angry. So I'm
being passive aggressive about
it. And then he has stonewalling
back may then tend to also
continue to do passive
aggressive behaviors to where
both people are actually
fighting, but they are likely
not even talking to each other
as they do so. Or maybe in in
this situation, it could still
be were tuned to stonewalls,
where one person does finally
get to the point where they
address a conflict or address a
situation. But it just leads the
other person to shut down and to
be passive aggressive. And it
then gets into that cycle of the
downward spiral of passive
aggressiveness. Overall
stonewalling is when a person
mentally or physically begins to
shut off from the other person
as a way of fighting. It's not
because they're trying to
process the information, which
is valid, it is valid, that
there are people in
relationships who need time to
process who need time to pull
their thoughts together before
they can reply. That's not a way
of fighting. It's them and just
the way that they think. But
when people start to shut down
intentionally as a way to piss
the other person off, and they
know it's gonna piss the other
person off. And it's the way of
them being passive aggressive.
That is stonewalling. So what is
the antidote to stonewalling?
How do you overcome
stonewalling? Here's what you
do, the first thing to do is to
stop to stop the conversation to
stop the fight if at all
possible. This is going to take
the person who is the Stonewall
er to to have some courage to
have some Audacity. And to
actually step forward and say,
You know what, right now, I
can't talk about this. It's too
overwhelming. I need some time,
I need time to process I need
time to think I need time to
cool down. So we need to take a
break and step away from the
conversation with the goal of
coming back together to finish
the argument or the disagreement
in a more constructive way.
That's the best antidote that
there is stop the conversation,
which will stop you from doing
the stonewalling. And then re
approach the conversation at a
time where especially the person
who is stonewalling, but
ideally, both partners, both
spouses, can non emotionally or
at least less emotionally, come
back to the situation and have a
productive conversation about
it. Now, while my husband and I
are not necessarily stone walls,
that doesn't mean that there
haven't been times in our
marriage where each of us have
maybe shut down for a period of
time as a way of stonewalling.
And one of the things whether
we've stonewalled or not that I
have found when it comes to when
my husband and I fight, one of
the things that I have found is,
it is always been a better idea
to take the break and to come
back together less emotional,
and more level headed than
trying to just grind our teeth
and grit through the current
conversation. When two people
are stuck in this cycle of using
any of the four horsemen in a
disagreement or an argument,
it's not going to end well. And
the tendency is to want to just
keep pushing through. Because
you think we just want to get
this over with we want to get it
done. We want to get to a
resolution sooner than later. So
let's just keep going. And
honestly, some people may be
hesitant to disengage from a
disagreement anyway, because
they're thinking, if I
disengage, then the other person
wins. Or maybe I won't get my
way. But if we can bring
ourselves to a level of higher
maturity and look at the
situation and say, You know
what, this isn't productive
right now. And not only is it
not productive, but the way
we're chipping away at each
other. Through these four
horsemen behaviors is actually
long term detrimental To our
relationship. So let's just go
ahead, take a pause, regroup,
regather. And come back when we
can look at this from a much
better lens and a much better
landscape. That has always
worked better for us. And I
believe it would work better for
you, too. There's a lot of
people out there who say, Well,
you shouldn't go to bed. While
What is it, don't go to bed
while you're still angry. You
know what I'm talking about the
the saying that's out there,
don't let the sun go down while
you're still angry. That's it.
Sometimes you need a good
night's sleep. Because you can
approach the situation and the
conversation in a much better
way in the light of the next
day, which is my encouragement
to you. If you're struggling
with talking to your spouse and
feel like you're just
disagreeing all of the time, or
maybe that your spouse has been
stonewalling you for a long
time. Maybe they're not talking
to you right now. And you just
can't get them to open up, then
I encourage you to get our
ultimate guide to getting your
spouse to talk to you how to
talk to each other in a way that
is respectful, that is calm, and
that is productive without
losing your sanity. And without
losing your marriage. We call
this smart contact because it's
the system that we teach inside
of it. But really, it's the
ultimate guide to teach you how
to communicate better inside of
your marriage even when your
spouse isn't talking to you
right now. You can get that
toolkit by going to marriage
helper.com/smart Because it is
the smart way to communicate
with each other. We'd love to
see you inside that toolkit and
help you have a much better
communication pattern in your
marriage than you're having
right now. Until next week.
Remember, there is always hope