Columbus Day,
the holiday celebrating Christopher Columbus
for stumbling ass-backwards into the New World
and then killing most of the people who lived there.
But for a lot of Americans,
that story isn't as charming as it once was.
NEWSWOMAN: You likely learned this line in school:
"In 1492,
Columbus sailed the ocean blue."
In 2020, Columbus wore orange paint.
NEWSMAN: Demonstrators around the country
have been calling for the removal
of statues of Christopher Columbus,
saying the Italian explorer is responsible for the genocide
and exploitation of native people.
NEWSWOMAN 2: The Christopher Columbus statue
in Boston defaced--
specifically, beheaded.
NEWSMAN 2: In Minneapolis, protesters tied ropes
around the neck of a Christopher Columbus statue
and they pulled it down.
NEWSMAN 3: Demonstrators cheering as they brought down
a Christopher Columbus statue in Baltimore.
It was then dumped into the Baltimore Inner Harbor.
Aw, look at that.
Columbus is still exploring the oceans.
Don't ever stop doing what you love.
But, guys, look, for real,
we need to think about whether it's a good idea
to tear down these statues,
because statues
are where the birds poop.
What are they supposed to do now, hold it in?
And I feel especially bad
for the people who made these statues.
You put all that work in and you don't know
if this guy's gonna get cancelled in 100 years.
That's so unfair.
That's why beheading the statue is the best solution,
'cause you can save the body
and just pop on the head of someone else,
like Shaq.
You see? Flawless.
But while one group sees tearing down Columbus statues
as an attack on colonialism,
another group sees it as a personal attack
on their culture.
NEWSMAN: Some here feel like they're the target
of reverse racism,
arguing we should learn from our past, not erase it.
First thing that I learned in third grade,
-Christopher Columbus discovered America. -Yeah.
-So, as an Italian immigrant, okay... -MAN: Not true.
-But he's telling you what he learned. -...this, this here
-represents something to me... -So let him speak.
...my Italian history.
It's terrible that they would de-degrade
something so sacred to us.
An attack on Columbus is really a hate crime
against Italian-Americans.
We all remember 9/11.
After that fateful, unthinkable day--
you remember, right--
red, white, and blue was everywhere.
In a respectful sense,
this is our 9/11.
They're doing the same thing that Columbus did.
They're coming into our neighborhood
and taking away our heritage, okay?
They're hypocrites.
Wow. Okay.
That's an argument for Columbus
I can safely say I've never heard before.
"You can't just come in here and destroy our heritage.
That's Columbus' thing. No backsies!"
And, by the way, I can't believe that the other guy said that,
"in a respectful sense, this is our 9/11."
Look, man, I don't care how respectfully you put it.
You can't compare anything like this to 9/11.
Like, does this guy go through a drive-through, like,
"Excuse me! You forgot my fries!
And, respectfully, this is my 9/11."
Now, you might wonder, why?
Why would Italian-Americans want to commemorate
the worst part of their culture?
Like, for instance, I love being Black,
but I'm not gonna put up a statue of O.J. in my backyard.
Especially not while my white friends are there.
But once you hear why those statues actually went up
in the first place, you can understand
why they are so meaningful to Italian-Americans.
NEWSWOMAN: In the late 1800s,
Italian immigrants were arriving in the United States
in big numbers and they faced harsh discrimination.
They were treated as perpetual foreigners,
and their Catholic beliefs opened the door
for even more discrimination.
So they embraced Columbus.
After all, he was Italian
and Catholic and already admired,
so he quickly became an icon for Italian immigrants,
who argued that they, too, belonged in America.
In 1892, Columbus Day was first brought into the school system.
A year later, Columbus became the theme
of the World Expo in Chicago,
branding him America's hero around the world.
As Columbus and his legend became further embedded
in American culture, so did the Knights of Columbus,
a Catholic social club founded by Italian immigrants.
By 1937, the Knights of Columbus
had gained enough influence to convince President Roosevelt
to proclaim Columbus Day a federal holiday.
Yeah. I know it's easy to forget that today,
but there was a time when Italian-Americans
were badly oppressed in America.
And they held up Christopher Columbus as a role model,
because he put them at the center of America's story,
the same way Puerto Ricans hold up Alexander Hamilton.
And, look, it's hard to reconcile someone's actions
when you've built them up so much,
not just as a person but as a symbol.
I mean, just ask anyone who's trying to decide
if they can play Michael Jackson songs at their wedding.
But times have changed, and more and more people
are finding it hard to celebrate Columbus,
knowing all the bad things that he did.
The good news is that times have changed in other ways, too.
Italian-Americans have gone from being persecuted
to being some of the country's most powerful politicians,
entertainers, and med school cadavers.
So you could replace Columbus
with any number of deserving Italians.
I mean, just off the top of my head,
what if we replaced Columbus with Dr. Anthony Fauci?
He's an Italian-American hero,
he's beloved and respected by everyone--
or at least almost everyone--
and he's trying to fight disease
instead of spreading it all over the continent.
And best of all, Dr. Fauci's a short guy,
so you save on the marble costs.
The point is, Americans don't need Christopher Columbus
to celebrate the deeper meaning of Columbus Day--
honoring America's immigrant heritage,
celebrating Italian culture,
and most importantly, getting the day off.