The White House says we should move on from our obsession
over Russia's involvement in the election.
But like any European I've extensively probed,
moving on is never that easy.
Because we've got history, our pasts are intertwined.
We're the Ross and Rachel of nuclear détente!
On today's agenda, we're digging into Russia —
our favorite frenemy.
Besides the bold hair choices made by their spies,
socialists and self-proclaimed skanks,
what do we actually know about the country
being raised by two terrible dads?
And like, why is she all up in my new president?
It's not my fault she's had the same one for, like, ever.
Let's recap how we got here by using
the only effective method Americans have
for understanding Russian politics.
Farm animals.
In the '80s, Gorbachev was the last
in a long line of Soviet swine.
But the Americans were like, "Little pig, let me in,"
and it had been a long winter.
So Gorbachev started restructuring the farm,
while trying to hold on to its Soviet roots.
He called it perestr-oink-a.
But most of the farm animals didn't like this.
So a leader named Yeltsin won the next elections,
and he turned the farm into a free market.
But only a handful of pigs profited,
as Yeltsin let average farm animals lose their savings
during economic restructuring,
while giving the most to the pigs that supported him.
They became a special breed known as the oligarchs.
After Yeltsin got very sick, he chose a special pig
to be head hog for the rest of his term.
This pig's name was Putin, and he won the next election.
He continued the practice of rewarding those animals closest to him
while attempting to annex parts of other farms,
turning those who spoke out against him into bacon
and criminalizing the gay penguins at the zoo next door.
When Putin was done being pig president,
he had a friend take over for one term
before extending term limits, so he could run again.
Bitch, you had your moment.
And this is where we find ourselves now.
After one garden snake's testimony
before a panel of chickens on March 20,
we now know that Putin's piglets are hacking servers,
attempting to influence elections,
and having lunches with stuffy suits,
trying to get this orangutan in their pocket.
So it's not just about fake news or the emails.
Part of the problem is realizing how closely aligned
our current administration's business
and political interests are with a corrupt government.
And look, I get it.
Whenever we freak out about Russia,
we tend to go totally overboard and use it
as a partisan tool to violate people's rights.
Like Joe McCarthy did when he started listening in on
your three-way calls to start a federally funded burn book.
But the problem today seems to be
that the U.S. and Russia are trying to undermine each other,
while drifting toward a very similar political style —
the special kind of authoritarianism that can only be
brought to you by a rich white guy
with an inferiority complex.
It's part of the reason we saw protests
in almost 100 cities across Russia.
People are tired of government corruption
that leaves them struggling to get by, while Putin profits
and the prime minister's ducks have their own residence.
His god damn ducks!
Not to mention the Russian government's free speech violations,
their criminalization of queer citizens,
their leader's eagerness to arrest political opponents,
their laws allowing domestic abuse
and
their obsession with boring sisters that come in threes.
I will never find a husband.
My husband is distant.
I'm, like, trying to drop hints that I'm single.
And scene.
OK, Chekhov's Kardashians aside, sounds familiar, right?
When Trump compliments Putin's style of governance,
like when he praises the Russian leader
for doing a “great job" or "edging out his enemies"
or “outsmarting" Obama,
he's not just playing nice with another superpower,
he's co-signing on an authoritarian style of leadership.
So, if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck,
and really likes Putin,
it might have its housing paid for by the prime minister?
Who better to spot the similarities between Trump and Putin
than an actual Russian citizen?
Just ask Nadya Tolokonnikova,
a member of the Russian artist-activist group, Pussy Riot.
And sure, despite evidence of his ties to the Kremlin,
it's tough to pin down a Trump opinion on anything.
But even if Putin got hit by a bus tomorrow
and never hacked another candidate's emails again,
it still wouldn't fix the shit-show
we're responsible for on our end.
Even Trump implied the U.S. has murdered
political enemies, just like the Kremlin.
Only he did so while trying to make a point
about Putin not being that bad?
What I'm saying is, there's some scary shit going down,
but we can't go full Joe McCarthy on this,
just like both parties did during the election.
Well, that's because he'd rather have a puppet
as President of the United States.
No puppet, no puppet.
And it’s pretty clear — You're the puppet.
It's pretty clear you won't admit that the Russians — You're the puppet.
He may very well be a puppet,
but that doesn't do enough to move the conversation forward.
We've gotta stay focused on legitimate
and informed criticism, own our country's baggage
and remember not to let politicians
use Russia as a red herring.
Because, while Russia might've released the emails,
it's this country's shirtless conspiracy theorists
who championed Pizzagate.
That's why we can't just move on.
Citizens of Russia and the U.S. will continue to suffer,
as long as we let fear, power and money drive our politics.
That starts changing when we expect more
from our leadership, and each other.