♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY.
GIVE IT UP.
( APPLAUSE )
FRIENDO, I'M VERY EXCITED ABOUT OUR GUESTS TONIGHT.
FANTASTIC IN AN AMAZING MOVIE, "CYRANO," PETER DINKLAGE IS HERE
TONIGHT.
I REALLY ENJOY TALKING TO HIM.
DOESN'T DO A LOT OF THESE SHOWS.
LOVE HAVING HIM ON HERE.
AND FROM "SQUID GAME"?
HAVE YOU SEEN "SQUID GAME"?
LEE JUNG-JAE IS HERE.
>> Jon: YES.
>> Stephen: JON, DID YOU KNOW THAT I SPOKE KOREAN?
>> Jon: OH, YOU DO?
>> Stephen: NO.
( LAUGHTER )
HAVE A CHANCE TO TALK ABOUT LAST NIGHT, BUT I LOVED YOUR
PERFORMANCE IN THE MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE.
DID YOU GUYS CHECK THAT OUT?
>> Jon: THAT WAS FUN.
I LOVED DANCING OUT THERE SINGING.
>> Stephen: WHAT WAS THAT LIKE?
>> Jon: IT FELT LIKE BEING IN A-- IT FELT LIKE BEING IN THE
PRESENT BUT ALSO GOING BACK IN THE TIME MACHINE SOSEEING THE
COUNTY FAIRS, BACK IN THE DAY WHEN THEY HAD COUNTY FAIRS.
>> Stephen: IT'S SUPER OLD, AN ANCIENT FORM OF ENTERTAINMENT,
PEOPLE MARCHING DOWN THE STREETS SINGING.
>> Jon: IT'S AMAZING TO SEE, THE MARCHING BAND AND ALL THEIR
REGALIA, THE FLOATS.
IT WAS WHOLESOME.
I LVED IT SO MUCH.
MY DAD RODE THE FLOAT WITH ME.
>> Stephen: HE DID.
THAT'S GREAT.
>> Jon: I LOVED IT.
>> Stephen: CHECK THAT OFF THE LIST.
>> Jon: I REMEMBER GOING OUT THERE-- THIS IS THE EARLY DAYS
AND I DIDN'T HAVE A WINTER COAT, AND I STOOD AT THE MACY'S DAY
PARADE, AND IT WAS, LIKE, 14 DEGREES, AND I LEFT AFTER, LIKE,
10 MINUTES.
I WAS LIKE, THIS IS BEAUTIFUL, BUT I CAN'T --
>> Stephen: I WON'T SURVIVE.
>> Jon: YEAH, I WON'T SURVIVE.
THAT WAS A NICE -- >> Stephen: YOU'VE COME A LONG
WAY, BABY.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE A NICE COAT NOW.
YOU HAVE A NICE COAT.
( APPLAUSE )
IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU KNOW I SPEND A LOT OF MY TIME RIGHT
OVER THERE.
CAREFULLY COMBING THROUGH THE BIGGEST STORIES OF THE DAY,
SOURCING FOR YOU THE NEWSIEST MIKADO ORGANZA IN A HIGH SHEEN,
ADDING THE MOST TOPICAL IVORY FEATHER FRINGE AND A DIPPED
BACK, THEN THROWING ON A DEMURE BUT KICKY FLORAL EMBROIDERED
TULLE SHRUG WITH STATEMENT PEARL ACCENTS TO PRESENT TO YOU THE
GLORIOUS "VOGUE" COVER-READY WEDDING GOWN THAT IS MY
MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, WHILE ON A GLUE-HUFFING BINGE, I CRASH A
STOLEN HEARSE INTO AN ABANDONED CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL WHERE I USE
MY TEETH TO TEAR UP SOME OLD CURTAINS AND STAINED CARPETING,
THEN STEAL A BUTTON OFF AN OLD SURGICAL APRON, AND STITCH IT
ALL TOGETHER WITH A NEEDLE MADE FROM A CHICKEN BONE TO THROW
TOGETHER THE SHRIEKING CAT LADY'S SACK DRESS OF NEWS THAT
IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE."
( APPLAUSE )
THERE.
THAT'S AN ANESTHETIC.
MEANWHILE, CANADA JUST RELEASED 50 MILLION POUNDS FROM THEIR
MAPLE SYRUP RESERVE AMID A GLOBAL SHORTAGE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TRYING TO REINFORCE STEREOTYPES.
WHAT'S NEXT?
JUSTIN TRUDEAU JOUSTING A MOOSE ON BEAVERBACK?
IT SEEMS THE PROBLEM WAS A SHORTER HARVESTING SEASON UP
NORTH THIS YEAR, PROMPTING THE MOVE FROM THE QUEBEC MAPLE
SYRUP PRODUCERS, A GOVERNMENT-SPONSORED CARTEL THAT
CONTROLS SOME 70% OF THE WORLD'S MAPLE SYRUP SUPPLY-- A CLEARLY
UNFAIR CHOKEHOLD THAT SHOULD BE STOPPED BY THE WORLD BREAKFAST
GOVERNING BODY BUT, AS USUAL, THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF
PANCAKES IS DOING NOTHING.
THIS IS ROOTY TOOTY FRESH AND FRAUDULENT.
( APPLAUSE )
BECAME THE WORLD'S NEWEST REPUBLIC, BECAUSE THEY DITCHED
QUEEN ELIZABETH AS HEAD OF STATE.
OH, NO!
PLAIZ OH, NO, BARBADOS.
NOW WHO'S GOING TO SERVE NO DISCERNIBLE PURPOSE?
AND THAT'S NOT ALL.
ON THE SAME DAY, BARBADOS ALSO OFFICIALLY DECLARED RIHANNA A
NATIONAL HERO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE TITLE OF "RIGHT HONORABLE" IN FRONT OF HER NAME.
SO NOW SHE'S NOT JUST RI-RI, SHE'S RI-RI-RI.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, ACROSS THE POND IN YORKSHIRE, SNOW TRAPPED 60
PEOPLE IN A PUB WITH AN OASIS COVER BAND FOR THREE DAYS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SO IT'S TRUE: HELL CAN FREEZE OVER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I GOTTA SAY, THAT--
THAT IS SHOCKING: 60 PEOPLE WANTED TO SEE
AN OASIS COVER BAND.
MEANWHILE, A PRICELESS ROMAN MOSAIC SPENT 50 YEARS AS A
COFFEE TABLE IN A NEW YORK APARTMENT.
WHERE MUSEUM EXPERTS SAY THE MOSAIC ONCE FORMED PART OF A
FLOOR ON ONE OF TWO VAST PARTY SHIPS COMMISSIONED BY CALIGULA.
NOT SURE WHAT'S WORSE: BEING FORCED TO RETURN YOUR ANTIQUE
COFFEE TABLE OR FINDING OUT THAT YOU'VE BEEN EATING OFF THE FLOOR
OF AN ANCIENT SEX BOAT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WAIT ---- I THINK I KNOW WHICH ONE IS WORSE.
I THINK I-- I THINK I KNOW WHICH ONE IS WORSE.
THERE YOU GO.
MEANWHILE, IN CHINA, A MAN HAS BEEN BANNED FROM AN
ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BARBECUE FOR EATING TOO MUCH AFTER HE ATE
OVER THREE POUNDS OF PORK TROTTERS DURING HIS FIRST VISIT,
AND NEARLY NINE POUNDS OF PRAWNS ON ANOTHER VISIT.
SIR, I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE, BUT THERE IS A PLACE FOR YOU IN
AMERICA.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IF YOU CAN FIND YOUR WAY HERE, YOU CAN APPLY FOR ASYLUM AT ANY
GOLDEN CORRAL.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH PETER DINKLAGE.
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