Thanksgiving is over.
Leftovers have been eaten.
That weird cranberry sauce has been stuck
back in the can for next year.
And the turkey that President Trump pardoned
has robbed a liquor store, killing two people.
You pardoned the wrong bird, Donald!
And with that all behind us,
it's time to look forward to the next big holiday.
We're going to give the American people a huge tax cut
for Christmas.
Hopefully, that will be a great, big,
beautiful Christmas present.
Boo!
You promised us a wall! Boo!
(laughter)
Donald Trump is such a divorced dad.
He spends his whole year golfing, breaking his promises,
and then he thinks he can just buy our love
with one big Christmas present.
-I hate you, President Dad! -(laughter)
But that's basically the big plan
for the president and Congress.
In just the three weeks between now and their Christmas break,
they're planning to push through a massive tax bill
with almost no debate.
And the question is, what's in this Christmas package?
Is it something that everyone wants, like Fingerlings?
-Or something nobody wants, like super gonorrhea? -(laughter)
And the answer depends on what kind of person you are--
human or corporate.
Corporations and the wealthy will see the biggest tax cuts.
NEWSWOMAN: While the corporate tax cuts would be permanent,
the tax cuts for American taxpayers
would expire after ten years.
NEWSWOMAN: Low-income Americans
would start seeing their taxes go up in 2021,
and by 2027, all individuals making $75,000 or less
would pay more than under current law.
Okay, so it makes sense--
corporations get to pay less forever,
and poor people get to pay less for four years,
and then they pay more. Yes.
Which sounds bad, but it's actually fine,
because once Obamacare is repealed,
poor people will all be dead, so it works out. Yeah? Yeah?
I think that's the logic. I don't know how this works.
And by the way, it's pretty convenient
that average Americans won't be seeing those tax hikes
until after the next elections.
That's really slick. Right?
Like, how can they expect people to vote
before people know what they're actually getting.
It's like having to rate your Uber driver
before you get in the car.
He's just like, "Give me five stars, man."
"Can you unlock the door?"
"Hey, there's no puke in the back seat.
Just give me the five stars!"
Now, of course, those numbers are merely the reality.
But what do the bill's supporters pretend will happen?
This tax reform bill will spur economic growth
in our country.
If we are able to lower the highest corporate tax rate
in the world from 35% to 20% and make it permanent,
the jobs of the future will be created here at home.
This is about making the business tax system competitive,
which is about creating jobs.
And-and the first new job
will be prying my jaw open so I can speak normally.
(laughter)
Rrr...
This is weird to me.
They want to help ordinary people,
so they're giving money to corporations,
because maybe, eventually,
it will get down to ordinary people?
That's so roundabout.
It's like saying if you're hungry,
why go out to a restaurant when you can just sew yourself
to the back of a human centipede?
Why... yeah, why waste your time?
-WOMAN: Oh, my God. -Now, the other thing
about the Republican tax bill
is that it would add at least $1.4 trillion
to the national debt.
And you may remember, when Obama was president,
Republicans constantly accused him
of increasing the debt.
Like he was spending America's money on Jordans.
...the transcendent issue of our era,
which is deficit and debt.
Until we fix that problem, we can't fix America.
-♪ ♪ -Washington's unsustainable spending
is driving the nation's permanent plunge into debt.
We face a crushing burden of debt,
which will take down our economy.
Ooh, it must be real because of the music.
(laughter)
Every single time this happens.
Every single time they say they hate something,
and then they go and do the thing that they said they hate.
Right? 'Cause now it turns out that, what,
they're secretly deficit freaks?
Yeah? It's almost like how when you hear a conservative,
uh, going hard against gay people.
You know? And then it turns out
he was going hard against gay people.
(laughter, applause)
It's the same thing over and over again.
You know what it makes me wonder?
What else have Republicans just been pretending to hate?
Like, right now I wouldn't be surprised if we find out
that all Republicans are secretly black.
-You know? -(laughter)
Just, like, when the camera turns off,
Mitch McConnell's like, "(bleep)."
(laughter)
So now...
we're just a few days away from this major decision.
And here's the only way I think average Americans can stop Trump
from handing massive tax cuts to the super rich.
You have to tweet directly to Donald Trump
and remind him that Obama is super rich,
so he's gonna get the biggest tax cuts of all.
(applause, cheering)
Yeah.
And I promise you, within an hour of seeing those tweets,
Trump will be like, "Destroy the rich.
"Socialism for all.
"Me and Bernie, 2020, folks.
-(laughter, applause) -We're doing it all."