-Welcome back. -Thanks, Seth.
-Big news in Zach's world. -Yes.
-You just got a puppy. -I got a puppy.
[ Cheers and applause ] -And I know --
I know from experience, obviously, the hardest part
about getting a puppy is potty-training them.
How is it going? -Well, it's going okay.
I went to the park.
And then, in addition to potty training,
we were working on getting him not to pull on the leash.
And so, the way you're supposed to do that, evidently, is like,
if they go in one direction, you go in the other.
But it took a long time because he's a puppy,
and 'cause I'm up late, I've been drinking a lot of,
like, tea and coffee and stuff. -Sure.
-So by the time I was done at the park,
I really had to pee, myself. -Mm-hmm.
-And -- But there was only one of those,
like, park murder restrooms. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ] -...where like, if you go in,
there's an 80% chance someone's gonna make
upsetting eye contact with you. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-So, I didn't go, and I was like,
"I can make it home. No problem."
And I got in the car, and I was driving,
and I realized that it was much more urgent
than I had initially realized. -Uh-huh.
And it sort of felt like -- You know, in, um...
like, action movies, when there's, like,
the door is closing and the guy has to roll under?
-Sure, sure.
-It was sort of a urethral version of that.
[ Laughter ]
And I got home, and I was like, "Okay, I can make it."
And I got up to go into the house,
and I couldn't find my house keys.
And I started to really panic. -Yeah.
-And I was like, "I'm about to urinate in my own pants.
I'm gonna go into my garage to pee in the garage."
And I live in a condominium, so there's people.
And then I couldn't get the garage door open.
And I had the dog in the garage.
And I just realized, "This has to happen here."
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
-And I stood in my parking lot, Seth, and I peed my pants at 35.
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
-Yeah. You did it, you did it.
-But here's the thing. Like, the dog looked at me like,
"I thought we weren't supposed to do this."
[ Laughter ]
And then, I had to go upstairs, and my shoes were wet.
And I was gonna -- I told --
Like, if I saw a neighbor, I'm gonna tell them
the dog peed on me. And then, I had to use
the stuff we use to clean up after the dog
when he pees in the house to clean up my footprints.
[ Laughter ]
It was really degrading.
I'm sorry that you had to hear that.
-Yeah. Thank you for sharing. -Yeah.
-Have you -- I know when you have a dog,
people will give you their advice on being dog owners.
Have you gotten any good advice?
Have people told you what it's like to be a dog owner?
-Well, one -- a friend of mine said to me, she was like --
she said, "Do you know why dogs don't live as long as people?"
And I said, "No."
And she said, "Because they already know how to love."
And I was, like, "Jesus Christ."
[ Laughter ]
"You have to warn me before you say things like that.
Like, I have to continue to live as an adult.
I just want to go, like, listen to Judy Garland and cry."
[ Laughter ] Yeah.
And the trainer said that, like, physiologically, when a dog --
when you come home, the event in a dog's brain,
like, the dopamine levels is like falling in love,
like a human falling in love, but it happens six times a day.
-Wow. -So when you come home,
and you're like, "Oh, I've had a long day,"
and the dog's like -- and you don't pay attention,
it's like "Romeo and Juliet." Or no, not even.
Because those guys were in love with each other.
Yeah. -Romeo and, uh, Kathy.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
"Not today, Kathy." [ Laughter ]
I remember the first time I yelled at our dog, Frisbee,
because she was behaving badly.
And I realize, at some point, I have to yell at her,
and I was like, "Frisbee, no!" And she just looked at me,
and then turned to the side and threw up.
-[ Gasps ] -Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
It was so traumatic for her that she was like, "No."
-Oh, my God. That's so sad.
-So just be careful. Just, like, ramp up to it.
-I also wish I had that in my own emotional repertoire,
which is when someone hurts my feelings or criticizes me,
I could just barf. [ Laughter ]
-It would be great. It would be like,
"Just think twice next time." [ Laughter ]
"-Zach, we've got some notes -- [ Mock vomits ]
-They're like, "I saw him pee himself
in the parking lot, and then, he threw up in the meeting."
-He is in control of none of his bodily functions.
-So this is a remake of a film,
a Swedish film called "Force Majeure."
-Right. -And it takes place
at a ski resort. Were you a skier going into it?
We see you at the top of a mountain there.
-Yeah, I was not a skier before.
But now, I am still not a skier. -Gotcha.
-And the only time I had ever been skiing before
was cross-country skiing as a boy.
And I hated it, with, like, an indescribable intensity,
to the extent that I took my ski pole --
and this is gonna make me sound like an incontinent psychopath.
But I took my ski pole and I stabbed my brother in his calf.
[ Audience groans ]
And he was like, "What the hell?!"
And I was, like, "Someone had to pay."
[ Laughter ] I hated --
I hated it so much that I hurt him for no reason.
-And you're in Austria? -Yeah.
-How was -- And I would imagine you're at a ski resort.
You're at a beautiful mountain.
Is that where you spend your time?
Is that where you eat your meals?
-Yeah. It was breathtaking.
But the restaurant was really weird, because they --
I don't know if this is true everywhere,
but in this particular resort, they dress in this kind of,
like, 19th-century servant garb, that the waiters --
they look like they just escaped a cuckoo clock or something.
They've got these sort of, like, lederhosen.
And there was this one guy, and he had this laugh.
You know, it's a weird thing when you're in
a different country, you don't know
if you're committing faux pas.
And he had this thing where like, okay, like --
You be me and ask, like, for a bottled water.
-Got it. Do you have bottled water?
-Oh. Oh-ho-ho! [ Laughter ]
-He would go like that!
And then, I'd be like, "Did I do something wrong?"
I'd be like, "You know, whatever."
-Did you do something -- "Did I do something wrong?"
-Oh. Oh-ho-ho! [ Laughter ]
-I ended up eating in my room, Seth, because I didn't
want to deal with the social anxiety.
-Well, I'm glad the film worked out, nonetheless,
and you worked past both those hurdles
of not being a skier and dealing with that waiter.
-Thank you so much.
It's a real form of moral heroism.
[ Laughter ] -Congrats on the dog.
And thank you so much for being here.
It's always such a pleasure to see you.
-Thank you. -Zach Woods, everybody.