Russia's potential invasion of Ukraine,
which, at this moment in time, is a little like a package sent
via the post office.
It could either come tomorrow
or never.
There's no way to know.
The Biden administration says the invasion
is all but certain
and has warned all U.S. citizens
to leave Ukraine immediately,
Which, I mean, you'd think would be obvious at this point.
You know? But you got to admit-- there's always that one person
who needs the danger spelled out for them.
"It's dangerous. Can't you see?"
You know? It's like the people in-in horror movies.
"Honey! There's an evil clown at the door selling knives!
"I'm gonna let him in. (chuckles)
See what happens."
But over the last couple of days,
there have also been some promising signs
of de-escalation.
Like, for instance, Russia said
that it would continue negotiations,
and it claimed
that it had pulled some of its troops away from the border.
Right? That's a really good thing.
And-and there's no way to know why this is happening.
But I will say,
I'd probably put some of my money on this.
NEWSMAN: Just across from Russia, in the city of Mariupol,
some Ukrainians are preparing.
Basic training for the whole family,
learning first aid to treat gunshot and shrapnel wounds.
And weapons training on a 7.62-caliber AK-47
is Valentina Konstantinovskaya.
This 79-year-old is a retired accountant
and a great-grandmother.
Wow. I've never seen someone who looks so adorable
sound so threatening.
"When this shit goes down,
"I will head-shot a bitch from 300 yards.
Some lemon in your tea?"
This woman is a badass though, you know?
Actually, if you ask me,
I think this is a brilliant deterrent,
to have grannies on the front lines.
No, think about it. Think about it.
Right? If you're part of the elite Russian invasion squad,
there's no way in hell you want to get taken down
by a 79-year-old woman.
I mean, if that happens,
they're probably gonna have to make something up
to tell your family.
"I'm sorry to say your son was killed by very strong young man.
"Definitely not old woman who learned to use gun
four days ago."
Oh, and, uh, just one more thing.
Before you get too attached to Granny Rambo,
the militia that's training her in that news clip--
well, they're reportedly far-right ultranationalists
with neo-Nazi tendencies, so, uh, just a friendly reminder.
Everything you love will eventually disappoint you.
But let's move on,
because while Russia is threatening
to violate Ukraine's sovereignty,
they're already violating the rules of the Olympics,
and it's causing a huge controversy
in the world of figure skating.
NEWSWOMAN: With the world watching her every move,
this morning, 15-year-old Russian figure skater
Kamila Valieva is set to take to the ice,
despite testing positive for an illegal
performance-enhancing substance before the games.
CHRISTINE BRENNAN: A positive drug test is gonna be
on the ice here in a few hours skating at the Olympic Games.
I cannot believe I just said that sentence.
NEWSWOMAN: The IOC now saying that Valieva claims
there was a mix-up with her grandfather's heart medication.
An international court deciding she can still compete
while they investigate further. In the response, the IOC saying,
"If Valieva lands in the top three,
"there will be no medals handed out
until the investigation is complete."
I can't believe they caught someone cheating,
and they're still letting her compete
while they investigate more.
Like, guys, it almost feels like
the investigation is not about whether she cheated or not.
It's almost like the real investigation here is,
"Okay, let's-let's see what these drugs can do.
"Let her rip. Come on, let's just see. We just...
We want to know, right? Everybody wants to know."
I also knows that nobody believes her excuse, right?
That she accidentally took her grandfather's heart medication.
But I do. I believe her.
Because I know what it was like growing up.
Me and my family-- we always had a big bowl
of loose pills all mixed together.
It's an easy mistake to make.
Is this one yours? I don't know.
I know my estrogen has changed, Grandma, but I don't know.
Meanwhile, everyone's obsessed with this girl and the pills.
That's all everyone is talking about. They're like,
"This 15-year-old took the pills, and she did this, and..."
Yeah, everyone's focusing on... No one is focusing on the fact
that her grandpa took her medication.
Now he's dominating bingo at the old folks home.
I will say, you know, like, one of the things
that shocked me about this story is
that I've always pictured performance-enhancing drugs
and steroids for things that you need, like, power for.
Do you know what I mean? Like-like, extreme power.
Sprinting, lifting. Brrr!
I never thought I'd see the day
where a figure skater would be injecting themselves. Just like,
"All right, let's go! Ah."
Now, a lot of people are scratching their heads.
A lot of people have been asking this online, saying,
"Why?" Why is it that this Russian skater
is still being allowed to compete
in the Olympics when Sha'Carri Richardson--
remember her?-- she was kicked out of the Olympics
after she smoked weed. Yeah.
But apparently, the reason for this--
and I-I just found this out-- is that one difference is
that if you're a minor in sports,
and you get caught doping, they give you more leeway
because you're young, and you're impressionable,
and you may not be in control
of what you're putting into your body.
Yeah, I didn't know that.
That's a pretty big loophole in the anti-doping rules.
Like, I'm not saying Russia had this minor take steroids
on purpose because they knew she wouldn't get in trouble,
but if they did do it on purpose,
I mean, you got to admit, that's a pretty slick move, you know?
It's the same reason
drug dealers put kids out on the corner. They're like,
"Shit, the worst that you get is juvie. Come on, man."
But again, I'm not saying that Russia did this on purpose.
I'm not saying that.
I'm just saying, don't be shocked when later this week,
they use 15-year-olds to invade Ukraine.