WELCOME PACK TO "T "THE LATE SHO LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
FOLKS, YOU KNOW MY FIRST GUEST FROM MOVIES, BROADWAY, AND THE
OSCARS-- BACK WHEN THE OSCARS WHEN THEY STILL HAD A HOST!
HE JUST LAUNCHED A COMEDY APP CALLED "ROAST 'EM."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," THE GREAT BILLY CRYSTAL.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> THANK YOU!
THANK YOU!
WOW!
>> Stephen: I-- I-- I GOT-- I ADMIRE-- I ADMIRE-- I ADMIRE YOU
GIVING THE AUDIENCE WHAT THEY WANT IN THAT MOMENT.
>> WELL, THEY GAVE ME A LOT, TOO.
HI!
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> OH, YEAH, GREAT, GREAT TO BE HERE.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> AM I WRONG, BUT IS NEW YORK MORE CROWDED THAN IT'S EVER
BEEN?
I'VE BEEN HERE TWO MONTHS, AND I'M TO START A MOVIE IN ANOTHER
MONTH -- >> Stephen: BECAUSE YOU'RE A
NEW YORK ICON AND YOU LIVE IN LOS ANGELES RIGHT NOW.
>> FOLKS, IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE HERE, COULD YOU GO TO WYOMING
OR SOMETHING?
THERE'S, LIKE-- THERE'S EIGHT PEOPLE IN WYOMING.
YOU'LL HAVE SO MUCH ROOM.
WALKING UP THE STREETS HAS BEEN IMPOSSIBLE.
YOU-- YOU LIKE UBER, RIGHT?
>> Stephen: CHOPPER.
I CHOPPER.
>> CHOPPER.
COMING UP-- I'M TELLING YOU, THAT WALK TO HERE WAS THE FIRST
TIME I HAVEN'T BEEN BUMPED INTO IN ABOUT TWO MONTHS.
YOU TRY TO-- I'LL DO IT HERE, I GUESS.
I'M WALK-- THIS IS HALF A BLOCK.
IT'S THIS--
THEN YOU GET TO THE CORNER, AND THERE'S A BICYCLE!
( LAUGHTER )
IS THIS AMSTERDAM?
WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO NEW YORK?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
STEPHEN.
YEAH.
>> Stephen: I FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN WALK AROUND
NEW YORK AT ALL.
>> I WALKED-- I WALKED TO WORK --
>> Stephen: REALLY, YOU DON'T GET MOBBED?
>> NO, NO, NO.
>> Stephen: WOW.
ARE YOU INSULTED OR ARE YOU HAPPY ABOUT THAT?
IN THE BACK OF YOUR MIND, SOMEBODY COULD MOB ME A LITTLE.
>> YEAH AND, ALSO, SOMETIMES WHEN YOU'RE WALKING ON THE
STREET-- JUST IF I FEEL INSECURE, I'LL JUST COUGH THE
TITLE OF THE MOVIE.
( LAUGHTER )
LIKE, MAYBE TRYING TO CROSS THE STREET AND GO
( COUGHING ) "HARRY AND SALE."
ALSO, THESE GUYS-- MOSTLY GUYS, HAVE THOSE WHITE LITTLE
CIGARETTE THINGS IN THEIR EARS.
AND THEY'RE TALKING TO THEMSELVES.
SO I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE'S A SCHIZOPHRENIC ON THE STREET.
AND TOO MUCH GARBAGE.
de BLASIO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN IOWA?
YOU'RE GOING NOWHERE.
COME BACK AND CLEAN UP IN THIS CITY.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU!
>> OTHERWISE, I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE.
>> Stephen: WHAT BROUGHT YOU BACK?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THE CITY?
>> I'M DOING A MOVIE THAT I COWROTE WITH MY GREAT FRIEND,
GREAT WRITER ALAN SWIBELL.
IT'S CALLED "HERE TODAY."
AND I'M DIRECTING IT ALSO, AND MY COSTAR IS THE ONE AND ONLY
TIFFANY HADDISH.
>> Stephen: SHE'S WONDERFUL.
SHE'S FANTASTIC.
WE'VE HAD HER ON HERE MANY TIMES.
DOES SHE EVER TALK ABOUT ME?
IT'S WELL KNOWN SHE HAS A LITTLE THING FOR ME.
>> I DON'T THINK SO.
>> Stephen: SHE SAID IT IN THE PRESS-- IT'S SITTING RIGHT THERE
IT'S "SHE READY."
SHE SAID SO.
SHE SAID TO ME.
IT'S SERIOUS, BILLY.
>> OKAY, FINE.
>> Stephen: OKAY, GOOD, GOOD.
>> WHATEVER YOU WANT.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS THE MOVIE?
>> THE MOVIE IS ABOUT-- IT'S A MAY-SEPTEMBER RELATIONSHIP.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH TIFFANY
HADDISH?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: SORRY TO STEAL YOUR THUNDER BECAUSE SHE'S--
>> I'M NOT SURE IF I'M MAY AND SHE'S SEPTEMBER OR SHE'S
SEPTEMBER AND I'M MAY.
I'M NOT SURE YET.
>> Stephen: FROM THE PREVIOUS CALENDAR YEAR.
( APPLAUSE )
ROLL-OVER MINUTES.
>> IT'S A VERY FUNNY, HEARTWARMING STORY ABOUT A
SENIOR WRITE A SHOW, NOT UNLIKE "THE DAILY SHOW," WHO IS IN THE
BEGINNINGS OF DEMENTIA.
AND HE MEETS THIS STREET SINGER WHO HAS A BAND WHO PLAYS IN,
LIKE, THE SUBWAYS AND PENN STATION, WHO TIFFANY PLAYS.
AND HE SAVES HER LIFE NAY VERY FUNNY SITUATION.
SHE WANTS TO REPAY HIM, AND SHE REALIZES THAT SOMETHING'S NOT
RIGHT WITH HIM, AND SHE GIVES UP HER CAREER TO TAKE CARE OF HIM.
>> Stephen: OH,.
>> SO IT'S A VERY TOUCHING, VERY FUNNY MOVIE.
AND WE START OCTOBER 3.
SO TO GET A CHANCE TO DO... A MOVIE AT ANY TIME, YOU KNOW,
BUT-- ABOUT REAL PEOPLE WITH THE WAY THE PEOPLE GO TO MOVIES TO
SEE, YOU KNOW-- THIS IS NOT A SUPER-HERO MOVIE AT ALL.
>> Stephen: THEY'RE VERY PLARK THOUGH.
>> YES I WOULD LIKE TO SEE BILLY CRYSTAL IN SPANDEX SOME DAY.
>> WELL, COME TO MY DRESSING ROOM AFTER THE SHOW.
NO, THERE SHOULD BE-- IT'S A GOOD IDEA.
THERE SHOULD BE SENIOR SUPERHEROES.
>> Stephen: SUPER-SENIORS.
>> WHAT DO YOU THINK?
>> Stephen: SURE.
THEY'VE GOT A LOT OF EXPERIENCE.
>> YEAH.
HOW ABOUT, LIKE, "SPIDER-VEINS MAN."
"IRON DEFICIENCY ANEMIA MAN."
AND THE ONLY THING-- LIKE, HIS KRYPTONITE, YOU KNOW, IT WOULD
BE HAVING TO WORK ON A COMPUTER.
THAT WOULD BE IT.
( LAUGHTER )
LIKE A SIMPLE ACCOUNTANT.
>> Stephen: YES.
>> AND HE GETS-- HE TURNS INTO THIS THING WITH THEY TRY IT TAKE
AWAY HIS SOCIAL SECURITY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
AND LIKE MOST OF MY SENIOR RELATIVES, HE'D WEAR HIS
UNDERWEAR OUTSIDE HIS PANTS, LIKE SUPERMAN DOES.
>> Stephen: DON'T RETIRE ME.
YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M RETIRED.
YOU HAVE A NEW APP.
YOU'VE LAUNCHED A NEW APP.
>> IT'S A FUN THING.
>> Stephen: "ROAST 'EM."
I JUST WANT TO ASK YOU ABOUT-- YOU KNOW ROASTS FROM WHEN ROASTS
WERE ROASTS.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: YOU WERE PART OF SOME AMAZING ROASTS-- ROASTED
YOURSELF BY SOME OF THE GREATS.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: CAN YOU TELL ME ANYTHING ABOUT THIS-- THIS IS AT
A ROAST, I BELIEVE.
>> I WAS BEING ROASTED IN 1992.
THAT'S ALI AND I.
I'M ON THE RIGHT.
( LAUGHTER )
AMAZING ALI.
>> I WAS BEING ROASTED AND HE WAS ON THE DAIS AND HE GOT UP
AND SAID, "I LIKE YOUR JOKES.
I LIKE YOUR STYLE.
BUT YOU AIN'T PAYING ME NOTHING, SO I WON'T BE BACK FOR A WHILE."
>> Stephen: WERE YOU GUYS FRIENDS?
>> OH, YEAH, HE WAS ONE OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE.
THAT'S AMAZING.
>> WHEN WE GREW UP-- MAYBE YOU'LL REMEMBER THIS BECAUSE I
GREW UP BEFORE YOU DID.
ROASTS WEREN'T TELEVISED.
THEY WERE CLOSED DOOR THINGS AT THE FAMOUS FRIAR'S CLUB, WHERE
ALL THE GREATS CLOSED THE DOORS AND BANGED AWAY AT EACH OTHER.
AND BECAUSE THEY SAID THEY LOVE EACH OTHER, THEY COULD JUST
HUMILIATE THEM.
AND YOU WONDERED WHAT WENT ON.
THEN DEAN MARTIN, YOU KNOW, DID THE ROASTS OTHER THAN AND THOSE
WERE TELEVISED.
AND THOSE WERE KIND OF FUN.
I DID A COUPLE OF THOSE STARTING OUT AND NOW THEY'RE, YOU KNOW, A
BIG DEAL.
SO I-- I THOUGHT, YOU KNOW, LET'S DO THIS APP WHERE PEOPLE
COULD ACTUALLY ROAST SOMEBODY.
BUT LET'S-- LET'S FINISH UP THE ROAST THING.
THEN WE'LL GET TO IT.
SO I WAS ROASTED IN 19-- OH, THIS IS ROBYN.
ROBIN WAS PRETENDING TO BE MY FORESKIN.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: WAS IT-- WAS IT COMING BACK TO YOU?
WAS IT HAUNTING YOU?
>> HE CALLED HIMSELF "RUMPLED FORESKIN."
SO THAT WAS THAT.
>> Stephen: AND THEN THIS.
I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR ABOUT THIS BECAUSE I-- YOU KNOW, THE GREAT
ALAN KING.
>> ALAN WAS ONE OF THE GREAT COMEDIANS OF ALL TIME, HE WAS
THE HEAD GUY.
AND HE'S AT THE VERY END OF THE EVENT-- THERE WERE ABOUT 2,000
PEOPLE THERE.
AND IT GETS ROUGH, YOU KNOW, REALLY ROUGH.
SO, FORGIVE ME, BUT THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID.
"YOU KNOW, BILLY AND I PLAYED FATHER AND SON.
I WAS THE FATHER TO HIS SON, AND TO MAKE IT BELIEVABLE, TO PLAY
HIS FATHER, THE NIGHT BEFORE SHOOTING STARTED I BANGED HIS
MOTHER."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SO I TUGGED HIS SPORT JACKET, AND I SAID, "ALAN, MY MOTHER'S
AT TABLE FIVE."
SO HE DIDN'T MISS A BEAT.
HE STOOD UP AND HE SAID, "OH, THERE YOU ARE, MAMA CRYSTAL!
HOW WAS I?" SO MY AMAZING MOTHER STOOD UP
AND WENT, "DON'T GET ME STARTED."
( LAUGHTER )
YEAH.
SHE WAS AWESOME.
>> Stephen: AMAZING.
AMAZING.
I WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO INSULT SOMEONE'S MOTHER
AND NOT KNOW THAT THEY'RE HERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: YOU SAW THAT?
>> YEAH.
SO, SO -- >> Stephen: LET'S GET TO.
>> SO I TOOK ABOUT TWO YEARS TO DEVELOP THIS TECHNOLOGY.
IT JUST STARTED TODAY ON THE APP STORE.
OODZ CALLED "ROAST 'EM."
YOU CAN ROAST WHOEVER YOU WANT.
I HIRED ABOUT FIVE OR SIX GREAT JOKE WRITER S.
>> Stephen: SO YOU PUT THE FACE OF THE PERSON YOU WANT TO
ROAST IN HERE?
>> YES, YOU CREATE TWO AVATARS, THE ROAST AND THE ROASTEE, AND
YOU CAN BUY JOKES FOR 99 CENTS THAT OUR WRITERS WROTE FOR EVERY
OCCASION.
>> Stephen: CAN I BUY THEM?
SOMETIMES I NEED JOKES HERE.
>> OR YOU CAN JUST MAKE UP YOUR OWN, AND ONCE YOU FIT YOUR FACE
THERE AND YOU MAKE YOUR MOUTH MOVE, LIKE A JIB-JAB THING, YOU
RECORD THE JOKES, AND THEN IT'S PROCESSED.
THE ANIMATION IS GREAT.
YOU'RE ON STAGE, I'M THE HOST, AND WHOEVER YOU ARE ROASTING
SITS THERE AND YOU GET LAUGHS.
THERE'S A LAUGH TRACK AND A BAND.
>> Stephen: AND YOU CAN SEND THIS TO THE PERSON YOU ROASTED.
>> AS SOON AS IT'S PROCESSED YOU CAN EMAIL IT, TEXT IT, WHATEVER
YOU WANT TO DO.
AND IT STARTED TODAY.
>> Stephen: AND IT WAS SO GENEROUS OF YOU-- THERE-- I LOVE
THIS.
IT'S REALLY GENEROUS OF YOU TO PUT A PICTURE OF KEVIN POLLOCK.
>> IT'S ANIMATED.
>> Stephen: IT'S ANIMATED.
NICE.
>> NO, IT TOOK ABOUT TWO YEARS.
>> Stephen: WE IS ARE TO TAKE A BREAK BUT WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH MORE BILLY CRYSTAL.
STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY.