So today we're going to be talking about self-confidence
versus narcissism.
I just want to read you guys a letter
that I received from a YouTube viewer that
is sparking this video.
So she writes, Dear Lisa, my friends
call me the selfie queen.
I love taking photos of myself, and, to be fair,
other people too.
Then yesterday, someone wrote the word narcissist
under one of my photos on Facebook.
My feelings were so hurt.
When I reached out to this supposed Facebook friend
and asked her why she wrote the word narcissist,
she says she was just kidding.
I consider myself a confident person, not a narcissist.
Where is the line?
Can you help me with this?
I feel terrible.
I grew up in an age where if you dared to take a picture of you,
you were considered conceited.
Right?
It was not the norm to take pictures of yourself
and to post pictures of yourself anywhere, let alone,
you know, there was no--
obviously no social media back then.
And so we're in an age where Facebook
and Instagram and Twitter makes it easy for us to feel seen.
These platforms are allowing us to express ourselves
in ways that just weren't humanly possible 20 years
ago, 30 years ago, 50 years ago, or 100 years ago.
So things are different.
And so we do have to be careful, I think.
And I think it's wise of us to consider
the consequences of platforms such as Facebook and Twitter
and Instagram and the like.
Because the research suggests that narcissism is on the rise.
Now 20 years ago 30, 40, 50, 60 years ago,
there was a high emphasis on community.
And now there's a high emphasis on getting ahead.
There's a high emphasis on making money.
And since we've switched from the community mindset
to the individual mindset, you know, we can--
we're in danger of becoming a more narcissistic society.
And research on college students is proving
that narcissism is on the rise.
So I think it's a wonderful conversation to have.
Getting back to the YouTube viewer
that wants to know, like, hey, am I a narcissist?
Or I'm just self-confident?
I wanted to define some lines so that those of us who
are struggling with, well, I use social media a lot,
and I post selfies.
But let's start talking about self-confidence
versus narcissism.
So I've written some things down.
I don't want to forget anything.
So self-confident people are genuinely happy for others.
So if you're on social media and you're
taking pictures of yourself, you know,
you are not upset when someone else also does the same thing.
You're happy that other people look great on social media.
You're happy that other people are beautiful.
You're happy that people share their successes.
Now narcissists are not.
Narcissists are going to be annoyed.
Narcissists want to feel superior to other people.
And so there is the line.
So if you're using social media, and you're posting selfies,
and you're not annoyed by other people that
are doing the same thing, or you're not
out to make the other person look bad on social media,
or you're not out tearing that other person apart
because they're posting selfies, you know, there's the line.
Self-confident people respect other people's no.
And so when we're questioning our own level of narcissism,
you know, confident, self-confident people,
when you say no to them, they don't berate you.
They don't try to make you feel guilty.
They don't try to coerce you.
They don't say things like, I don't
why that doesn't interest you, or no wonder you're so boring,
or no wonder you're still single,
or no wonder you're not married.
You never want to do anything.
Right?
Self-confident people don't do that.
Narcissistic people don't respect boundaries.
There's nothing-- a narcissist doesn't
know how to respect a boundary.
Because a narcissist is the center of the world
and the center of your world, you just didn't know it.
You just gotta catch up to speed.
And so that's also a very clear defining line.
Self-confident people do what they love,
because they love to do it.
So if you're somebody who loves taking pictures,
you know, of yourself, or of other people, or nature,
or whatever, your family, and you're doing it
because you love to do it.
You're not doing it because you're trying
to be better than anybody else.
You're not doing it because you want
to make someone else look bad.
You're not doing it to put on an air, to pretend.
Right?
This is a good thing.
You're just enjoying what you're doing.
So people who are self-confident do what they
do because they love to do it.
Now, a narcissist is doing it because they have an agenda.
So a narcissist will use social media
or, you know, will appear a certain way,
and will participate in things because they
love to feel superior to you.
So it's about the other.
Right?
The narcissist is about dominating and controlling
and coming off better than the other.
So that's a clear defining line.
A narcissist loves to stay in control.
A self-confident person will do what
they want to do because they love to do it.
It's not about the other person.
The narcissist does what they do because of the other person.
Right?
So it's really important that you see that line.
Confident people see themselves as unique
but equal to other people and not better than other people.
So you might get confused when you see confident people
out there posting on social media,
or what you think are confident people posting on social media.
Or somebody who seems to be braggadocious, like,
look what I did.
I just started a business, or I started this thing.
Or I just ran a half marathon.
Self-confident people are just happy to share their successes.
And they also understand that they are unique,
but they're not so unique that they're better than anybody
else.
So it really is sharing themselves with other people.
And when we're dealing with a narcissist,
it's not that way at all.
A narcissist believes they're better than other people,
and a narcissist wants you to believe that they're
better than other people.
And specifically that they're better than you.
And so a narcissist's agenda is to-- whatever they're doing--
is to give off this air that they
are superior to everyone else.
And a self-confident person will share their experiences
because they--
they feel special within themselves, but not
at the expense of other people.
They know that maybe they're a great singer,
or maybe they're a great artist.
Maybe this is their talent, and they're
sharing it with other people.
But not at the expense of other people,
and not because they feel superior to other people.
So self-confident people feel equal to others.
Right?
And they just want to share.
Narcissists, no.
Confident people are happy when others succeed, and narcissists
struggle internally when others are seen as successful.
And so confident people are people who
want other people to succeed.
They understand that other people
have a right to be successful.
They understand hard work.
And they aren't the people out there saying,
like, oh, you know, her father gave her money
and that's why she's successful.
Or you know, he's driving around in that car because, you know,
he lied.
You know?
Or he stole, or whatever.
So a narcissist is going to struggle internally
when they see other people succeed,
even when they see other people who are happy.
So confident people are happy when other people are happy.
Their self-esteem doesn't struggle because someone else
is doing well.
So that's a defining line.
Self-confident people are willing to change
their beliefs.
So they're willing to say, maybe I was wrong.
Right?
So their self-esteem, or their identity,
isn't wrapped up in this idea that they
have to be right all the time.
With a narcissist, a narcissist must be right.
And so that is the defining line.
A narcissist believes that they're right.
Right?
And so they won't say that they're wrong
and so they're not willing to change their beliefs.
Even if they're proven wrong, a narcissist
will not change their belief.
They will see things--
10 other people will say, this is what happened,
and the narcissist in the group will say, absolutely not.
Because it doesn't line up with what
they believe, or their perception of reality.
So they're sticks in the mud, they're concrete,
and they're very inflexible, whereas a confident person
is very flexible.
Confident people, like I said a little bit earlier,
there's a respect for boundaries.
They can sense when to back off.
So if you're dealing with someone who's confident,
they might want you to, like, participate
in an event with them.
But if they sense that you don't want to,
they're going to back off.
But a narcissist is going to violate those boundaries
and just insist that you go along with their program,
that you see things their way.
So that's another defining line.
Confident people might enjoy putting makeup
on, dressing well.
But them doing these things is about them.
It's about their enjoyment of it.
Whereas a narcissist will--
at least the studies prove-- that a narcissist
will manipulate clothing, you know, jewelry.
They'll manipulate makeup, they'll
manipulate the way they look and in their appearance
in an effort to hook someone.
So there's this level of, I'm going to take care of myself
because I believe it's going to allow
me to manipulate you and get you to believe in my false self.
So even though, like, a narcissist can,
you know, dress well and wear makeup and whatever,
and a non-narcissistic person, or a confident person,
can do the exact same things.
The intention is different.
So a self-confident person isn't thinking,
I'm going to wear this and do this
because I'm going to manipulate this person
and it's going to help me take advantage of them.
A non-narcissistic person, confident person,
is just getting dressed because they
love the way they look and it's all about them
and their clothes help express themselves.
And there isn't any hidden agenda,
and they're not manipulating the way
they look for the sake of manipulating someone else.
Right?
So confident people are highly emotionally intelligent,
or more emotionally intelligent then a narcissistic person
in that a confident person is going to see the big picture.
A confident person is going to understand the family dynamic.
Right?
And a confident person is willing to ebb and flow
and listen to the needs of other people.
Where if you think about a narcissistic parent,
a narcissistic parent isn't concerned with the big picture.
A narcissistic parent is reactive.
A narcissistic parent is controlling.
A narcissistic parent is domineering.
A narcissistic parent wants what they want.
They are inflexible, and they don't
care about the big picture.
They're not caring about the family dynamic.
They will say whatever they have to say
to get you to take care of them, or say whatever
they have to say to, you know, berate you or gaslight
you and make you feel bad and get you to doubt your reality.
So it's about dominance and it's about control.
And it's about a lack of understanding
the big picture, and how their actions are
affecting the whole.
Whereas confident people-- consider a confident parent.
A confident parent can understand the big picture
and can understand the family.
So they have more emotional intelligence than somebody
who is narcissistic.
Confident people are able to appreciate and validate
other people.
Confident people appreciate the hard work of others.
They encourage and applaud other people's successes.
Whereas somebody who is a narcissist
is not able to do that.
They have to minimize and devalue
other people who are experiencing successes.
They have to find a way to make the other person
look like they didn't they are worthy of the praise
that they're seeking.
And so a confident person doesn't shrink and recoil
when someone else does good.
A narcissistic person is very irritated
and experiences internal conflict
when they notice that someone in their environment
has done good.
And to resolve that conflict, they
have to throw shade at this other person
in order to make them feel better about how they feel,
which is inferior in the moment to this person.
But they have to do, go through all these mental loops
to make it seem--
tarnish the reputation or the hard work of the other person
to make them feel better about this person's success.
Confident people know that they're not right all the time.
So confident people are open to discussion.
Confident people are open to other people's opinions.
And so narcissists aren't.
Narcissists are throwing their weight around.
Right?
And they want you to understand their side.
They might be able to fake that they're listening to you,
but that's only to gain your trust
so that they can override you and bulldoze you in the future.
Again, narcissists can't admit fault.
And so a confident person can admit fault.
A confident person can say, I'm sorry.
A confident person can acknowledge when
they've done something wrong.
A confident person can say, wow, I
wish I never said that, I wish I never did that,
and I'm going to do everything that I can to make
sure that never happens again.
A confident person takes action once they've
had the self-awareness take place,
whereas a narcissist, there is no self-awareness.
And so a narcissist will not change even if they say,
I'm going to change.
What you'll notice is that their actions never
match their behavior.
A confident person will say what they say,
and they will act upon what they say.
So a confident person--
you're a confident person versus a narcissistic person
if what you say matches your behavior.
So if you make a promise and you keep the promise.
And if you make a promise and you break the promise,
there's a reason.
And you come to this person, and you explain,
this is what the reason was.
So a confident person is flexible.
A confident person knows that they're
going to disappoint people, and they're willing to make amends.
They're willing to say, I'm sorry.
They're willing to make up, you know, for anything
that they've done that they deem is wrong.
Whereas a narcissistic person will never
see themselves as someone who has done something wrong.
A narcissistic person is going to go jump through hoops
to make sure that they never have to say they're sorry,
and they will manipulate you into thinking
that you did something wrong.
When and if they've promised to do something
and they have fallen through, they have fallen through
with that, they haven't done it, they'll turn it around on you.
A confident person doesn't have to do that.
Confident people are comfortable with the truth.
Like, the studies prove that almost everybody lies from time
to time.
It is the reason behind the lie that
will define the line between someone who
is a narcissist and somebody who's self-confident.
Lying about what you had for breakfast
is certainly different than lying about having an affair.
So a confident person is not going to need to exploit you,
exploit your emotions.
A confident person doesn't have to lie to you
about really important things like who they slept with,
what they did with their money, what they did with your money,
or whatever.
Like, think about that.
So confident people don't need, don't
need to lie about those things.
They don't want to, because they understand
it's about exploiting someone.
So they have a certain level of empathy for other people,
and they appreciate that how they treat other people
is how they're telling the universe that they
want to be treated.
So there's this respect for the universe,
there's respect for humanity.
Whereas a narcissist doesn't have that level
of respect for other people.
And so that is the defining line.
Nobody likes to be criticized, right?
But a confident person does not fly
into a rage once criticized.
I do think there's a caveat to this statement
when talking about criticism and confident people,
because you can live with someone
who is so highly critical of you and narcissistic that you can
get to a point where this person criticizes you
and you can't take it and your response might be extreme.
I'm not talking about that situation.
I'm talking about people who are genuinely
confident in themselves and how they respond at work when
they're given an evaluation.
I'm not talking about a narcissistic co-worker,
or a narcissistic boss, or a narcissistic manager taking
advantage of this opportunity to hurt this person.
That's not what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about, wow, you know, Lisa, I love this meal.
You know, how much salt did you use?
Right?
Because if I'm a narcissistic person,
I might fly off into a rage, and I
might want to throw the fish at the person
because they asked me how much salt I used.
And so how a person reacts to criticism
is very, very telling.
So a confident person is willing to say, what do you mean,
like, why are you asking me about the salt?
Like, I'm generally concerned and curious.
And you know, maybe there's something
I need to adjust in my recipe.
Whereas a narcissistic person is highly critical of other people
and will criticize you, but you can't criticize them.
So there is the defining line.
The last thing I might say is that a confident person really
wants to see other people benefit.
A confident person really wants to see somebody
enjoy personal growth, spiritual growth, financial growth.
Even if their life isn't where they want to be,
they are generally happy when they
hear their sister or their mother
or their brother or someone else is enjoying success.
They're able to separate and say, that's their life,
and their life is going smooth and that's awesome.
They don't make it about them.
But somebody who has high narcissistic traits
can't do that.
Right?
They are not generally happy when other people have success.
So if you're somebody who has been accused
of being a narcissist, if you're somebody who
is a part of the selfie culture and someone has thrown
this word at you, or if you're even struggling with it
yourself, think about the questions
and the lines in the sand that I presented in this video.
And, you know, just ask yourself how this applies to you.
I do think it's wise to monitor and tame our own narcissism,
because it's so tempting to seek validation and think that--
and social media is designed to make
you believe that, you know, the whole benefit of social media
is to get likes and to be validated.
It's a very slippery slope.
And so I hope this video has helped anybody
out there who is struggling with defining
the line between self-confidence and narcissistic traits,
and/or narcissism.
Thanks so much for being here.
My name is Lisa A. Romano.
I'm The Breakthrough Life Coach, and the creator
of the 12-Week Breakthrough Coaching Program.
If you're somebody who struggles with self-confidence
and self-esteem, and if because of childhood
patterns and programming you never
developed a strong sense of self,
you might be struggling with what I call
the disease of invisibility.
You might not feel worthy.
You might not feel real.
You might struggle with abandonment.
You may have been abandoned.
It might be very difficult for you to set boundaries,
it might be very difficult for you to follow through
with projects.
You might berate yourself.
You might struggle with terrible negative self talk.
If this sounds like you, then the 12-Week Breakthrough
Coaching Program can help you with that.
If you wanted to jump into programs right now,
check out the Breakthrough Warrior Membership Site.
I built an online website that works like Netflix.
You can go in and you can click into different categories.
You'll find workbooks, you'll find meditations,
you'll find affirmations.
You'll get a copy of The Road Back To Me.
You'll hear all the audios that are available for sale
on my website.
You also have access to Loving the Self video meditation
program.
Every month we have a new theme, we have a new mantra,
and we highlight a Breakthrough Warrior of the month as well.
Namaste, everybody.
Until next time.
Bye, for now.