Did you know that America is finally getting
its first black president?
The Washington football team,
formerly known as the Washington Redskins,
announcing its new team president.
He will be the league's first black president.
Jason Wright will lead
the team's business ventures and operations,
working with former Panthers head coach Ron Rivera
on building the team on the field.
Owner of the team says Wright's experience
as a former player and his push for inclusion
will set new standards for that organization.
That's right, Washington has hired
the first black president in NFL history.
Which is fantastic!
But if they follow the same pattern as America,
the team's next president
is gonna kick all the Mexicans off the team
and inject all the players with hydroxychloroquine.
I will say, though, it really sucks
to be a black person in America right now,
because even if you do get offered a job,
the first thing you have to think is,
"Man, how bad did these white people (bleep) up
for them to need to hire me?"
And best of luck to Jason Wright.
And I mean best of luck.
Because football is the only sport right now
that's trying to play with fans in the stands
and with no bubble during COVID.
So if the league shuts down,
you know people are gonna try to blame him.
I'm just saying, the league never shut down before
when there was a white team president.
It can't be a coincidence.
Moving on to some news about climate change.
It should be no surprise that 2020
is on course to be the hottest year on record.
I mean, basically, every year now is hotter
than the year before it.
You know, in the same way every Hemsworth brother
is hotter than the one before it.
Is that right? Or is it the other way around?
Over the weekend,
the temperature hit a different record,
and this one is really gonna make you sweat.
NEWSWOMAN: One part of the country is taking heat,
and it could be a record.
Death Valley National Park,
which is split between California and Nevada,
recorded a high temperature of 130 degrees yesterday.
It needs to be verified, but if it is,
it will be the hottest temperature recorded on Earth
since 1913.
The previous record was also recorded in Death Valley.
Goddamn! 130 degrees.
You see, this is when I like that Americans use Fahrenheit.
'Cause in the rest of the world, people use Celsius,
but a scorching 54 isn't the same,
doesn't have the same ring to it.
130 degrees!
54.
And Death Valley is a great name
for a place that's 130 degrees.
It is a terrible name in terms of real estate development.
Who would name that?
What they need to do is call it D-Vall, you know?
Build a couple of condos and some coffee shops. Boom!
White hipsters will be there by the end of the month.
This is just one more sign
that we are all in a climate crisis, people.
But while most of the world wants to slow climate change,
the Trump administration looks at record temperatures
and they say, "Eh, let's try and beat it."
Some breaking news this morning.
The Trump administration finalized plans
to open up the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to drilling,
a move that will auction off oil and gas rights.
The move will allow leasing
on the 1.6 million-acre coastal plane
and marks a major step
towards reviving fossil fuel development
in an area that has been untouched for three decades.
"Untouched for three decades."
For a second, I thought they were talking about Mike Pence.
(imitates air horn)
That's right, with just a few months left in his term,
Trump is about to let oil and gas companies go nuts
in a pristine wildlife refuge.
It's almost like he knows
he's not getting the security deposit back on the country,
so he might as well just see how much of it he can wreck
on the way out.
I mean, this might be the first time
Trump has destroyed the property value of a place
without putting his name on it first.
Also, arctic wildlife is the best wildlife.
Why would you do this?
Penguins. Polar bears. Seals.
They're all amazing. They're magical.
Why don't they ever drill in a place that has sucky wildlife?
Like a mosquito preserve.
And as bad as the climate crisis is,
we still have a few years before many parts of the planet
become uninhabitable.
But unfortunately, the more immediate threat
is still coronavirus.
It's a worldwide epidemic
and the reason your grocery store
looks like a very casual Mortal Kombat tournament.
But there is some good coronavirus news today.
A medical breakthrough, brought to you by the NBA.
NEWSMAN: The FDA has approved an emergency-use authorization
for a saliva-based COVID-19 test
developed by Yale University.
The test, known as SalivaDirect,
has been used on NBA players and staff,
and according to Yale, it's simpler, less expensive,
and less invasive.
NEWSWOMAN: The NBA and the Players Union
came together to donate more than $500,000 to Yale
for the research that led to the test.
That's right, the NBA has funded a corona test
where all you have to do is spit in a cup.
Although, knowing the NBA, they probably have someone
standing next to the cup trying to block you.
(hocks)
(clattering)
But this is huge. The United States
desperately needs more testing
to get the pandemic under control,
and a simple test, where you can just spit into a tube,
that could change everything.
I mean, it's much easier than that test
where you have to tickle your doctor, you know?
Actually, I'm starting to wonder,
was that guy a real doctor?
That was weird that we met under a bridge.
Huh.
But this is why I always say, people,
it is so much better to get diseases later than earlier.
You know I always say that.
I mean, if you got COVID in January,
you had to do the more painful test,
where they put the thing up your nose.
But now all you have to do is spit. Yeah.
Just like if you got measles back in the day, you died,
but if you get it today, all you get is an anti-vaxxer
asking you if you took your kale shot.
Speaking of testing,
New Zealand was the first country
to declare itself COVID-free,
but now, after three months of no corona,
the land of hobbits is back in emergency mode.
NEWSMAN: Overseas, the prime minister of New Zealand
has delayed the national election for four weeks
after about 50 people were infected in Auckland.
That's the country's biggest city.
Before the new outbreak, New Zealand had gone
more than 100 days without any known community spread.
Yes, New Zealand is now delaying its national election
by four weeks because of an outbreak of 50 people.
And I know 50 people doesn't sound like a lot,
but that's, like, a third of their population.
Yeah, they have 150 people and 27 million sheep.
And, you know, this is the one difference
between America and other countries.
Other countries are loose with their election laws.
You know? They're like, "Yeah, let's do an election in a month.
We can delay it. Whatever."
But America doesn't play those games.
America treats election laws
like God told them directly to Thomas Jefferson.
Elections must be the first Tuesday
after the first Monday of November.
Never in December!
Because that's my son's birthday.
Not January or February. It's, like, really cold.
March is for basketball. We all know that.
April is for fools.
(laughs) Get it?
And then in May, that-that's like summer,
and we don't do shit in summer, so yeah, I'm thinking November.
What do you think, Tommy?
Now, at the same time, I can't front.
America's system really protects democracy.
Because if you have laws that are too loose
and then you get the wrong leader,
like, say, a Donald Trump--
which I know would never happen--
that can cause chaos.
Because best believe if Donald Trump
could postpone the elections because of coronavirus,
he would be testing through the roof.
Hell, he'd probably pretend
to get coronavirus every single month.
"Guys, I'm afraid we're gonna have to postpone the election
"for two more years.
"'Cause, like, you know that feeling
"when you're not sick but you're gonna be sick?
"That's totally me right now.
Sickish but not but totally sometimes could be."
(coughs) "Okay, bye-bye."