WELCOME ONE AND ALL, IN HERE, OUT THERE, EVERYBODY THAT IS
WATCHING. WELCOME TO THE LATE SLOW
COLBERT. IT'S OCTOBER 11, AND I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN WE ALL
KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS-- IT'S THE LAST DAY OF FAT BEAR WEEK!
THAT'S WHEN ALASKA'S KATMAI NATIONAL PARK CELEBRATES
BROWN BEARS BULKING UP FOR WINTER HIBERNATION, BY
LETTING ENTHUSIASTS VOTE ON THEIR FAVORITE FAT BEAR IN A
MARCH MADNESS-STYLE BRACKET, AND EVEN WATCH THE HEFTY CONTENDERS
AND THAT BEAR CAM CAN GET VIA A LIVE "BEAR CAM." PRETTY
I'VE HEARD SOME CONTENDERS RAUNCHY. EVEN
GO BOTTOMLESS. "OH, NO, RABBIT.
I'M STUCK. OH NO.
BUT SOMETHING'S DIFFERENT THIS FAT BEAR WEEK.
USUALLY, BEARS DON'T SOCIALIZE WITH EACH OTHER MUCH, BUT THIS
FORMED A FRIENDSHIP, WHICH TIME, TWO FAT BEARS HAVE EXPERTS SAY
IS GROUNDBREAKING. THEY ARE TWO MOTHERS WITH A
SINGLE CUB EACH, WHO ARE ALSO SISTERS, WHO'VE BEEN PLAYING,
RESTING, AND FISHING FOR SALMON TOGETHER.
FAT BEAR BEST FRIEND SISTERS HOLD ON. WHO
TOGETHER? THEY STOLE THE PLOT ARE RAISING THEIR CUBS OF MY NEW
SITCOM, "GRIN AND BEAR IT!" THIS IS CBS!
THAT'S KEVIN JAMES IN ONE OF THOSE BEAR SUITS.
BUT THAT'S NOT THE ONLY FAT WANTS IMPRESSIVE. BEAR
NEWS I'VE BEEN FOLLOWING. SEE, THIS YEAR, ONE OF THE TOP
TWO CONTENDERS IS FORMER CHAMPION 747, A.K.A. "COLBERT,"
YEAH, YEAH. (APPLAUSE)
DIG IT. A NAME "INSPIRED BY THE EAR
IMPERFECTION HE SHARES WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
OH YEAH, THANKS FOR BRINGING UP MY EAR.
I ALMOST FORGOT FOR ONE BRIEF MOMENT THAT MY HEAD IS DEFORMED.
BEAUTIFUL. HIDEOUS.
BEAUTIFUL, HIDEOUS. HEY, HOW YOU DOING?
HOPE YOU DIDN'T JUST EAT! ON THE PLUS SIDE, I CAN DO THIS:
(APPLAUSE) CAN A BEAR DO THAT?
COLBERT IS OBVIOUSLY A SHOO SUCK A SALMON, BEAR. -IN.
WHICH IS WHY, I AM SHOCKED TO ANNOUNCE, HE WAS THE TARGET OF
ELECTION FRAUD. ON SUNDAY, MY BOY WENT UP
AGAINST BEAR 435, "HOLLY," WHO SEEMED LIKE SHE WAS GOING TO
PARK TWEETED, "FAT BEAR WEEK WIN, UNTIL KATMAI NATIONAL SCANDAL:
LIKE BEARS STUFF THEIR FACE WITH FISH, OUR BALLOT BOX, TOO, HAS
BEEN STUFFED. IT APPEARS SOMEONE HAS DECIDED
TO SPAM THE FAT BEAR WEEK POLL." STOP THE STEAL!
STOP THE STEAL! STOP THE STEAL!
WOW, WOW. I GET IT NOW, THAT'S REALLY
SATISFYING TO HEAR. I GOT A LITTLE--
(APPLAUSE). >> Stephen: I GOT CHILLS.
LUCKILY, THE FRAUD WAS UNCOVERED, THE VOTES WERE
ADJUSTED, AND THE OFFICIAL WINNER OF SUNDAY'S MATCH-UP WAS
747 COLBERT WITH 37,940 VOTES! WE DID IT!
FOUR MORE BEARS! FOUR MORE BEARS!
TODAY, TODAY WAS THE FINAL VOTE, AND
THE WINNER IS... DO WE HAVE THE RESULTS?
WE DON'T HAVE THE RESULTS. BECAUSE THE VOTING DIDN'T CLOSE
NORMALLY RECORD THIS SHOW TILL 9:00 P.M., AND WE EARLIER.
WHY, ARE WE LIVE? WHY AREN'T WE LIVE?
IT'S ELECTION NIGHT. IT'S FAR BEAR WEEK ELECTION
NIGHT, COULD WE BE LIVE. LET ME CHECK IF WE ARE LIVE.
(BLEEP). DID THEY BLEEP THAT?
THEY BLEEPED THAT? >> PROBABLY.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT. I GUESS WE'RE NOT LIVE.
SO, ANYWAY, THAT'S OUR COVERAGE OF FAT BEAR WEEK.
I WANTED TO START THE SHOW WITH SOMETHING LIGHT, BECAUSE THE
HEADLINES OUT THERE ARE A LITTLE NUCLEAR.
SEE, THE WAR IN UKRAINE CONTINUES TO ESCALATE AS
VLADIMIR PUTIN KEEPS GETTING KICKED IN THE STROGANOFF.
RUSSIA HAS BEEN LASHING OUT AT UKRAINE FOR DESTROYING THEIR
BRIDGE, AND THEY'RE ALSO COMING AFTER THE U.S. FOR SUPPORTING
UKRAINE. YESTERDAY, THEY LAUNCHED A
DEVASTATING CYBER ATTACK, TEMPORARILY TAKING DOWN SEVERAL
AIRPORT WEBSITES. OH, NO!
NOT AIRPORT WEBSITES! FIRST THING I DO EVERY MORNING
IS CHECK MY EMAIL, AND THEN LaGuardia-Airport.com!
(APPLAUSE) I
I NEED TO KNOW THE HOURS OF THE TERMINAL B WETZEL'S PRETZELS!
TRYING TO SCARE THE WORLD, RUSSIA'S NOT THE ONLY ONE BECAUSE
NORTH KOREA SAYS THEIR RECENT MISSILE TESTS INVOLVED "TACTICAL
NUCLEAR" DRILLS. FOR THE RECORD, NEWS MEDIA,
NUKES" DOESN'T MAKE THEM ANY SAYING THEY'RE "TACTICAL LESS
TERRIFYING. YOU'RE STILL MAKING ALL OF US
DROP A PRE-EMPTIVE DEUCE IN OUR TACTICAL PANTS.
THE DRILLS WERE OVERSEEN BY NORTH KOREAN DICTATOR
KIM JONG-UN, AND HE DID IT WITH STYLE.
HERE HE IS, COSPLAYING AS DIANE KEATON IN THE LATEST
NANCY MEYERS MOVIE, "IT'S KIM-PLICATED."
MID TERMS ARE WHAT, HOW MANY WEEKS.
WE'RE FOUR WEEKS AWAY FROM THE MID TERMS
TODAY, AND OHIO VOTERS WILL HAVE TO DECIDE WHETHER THEY LIKE
REPUBLICAN VENTURE CAPITALIST AND BABY YOU GLUED A BEARD ON
FOR HALLOWEEN... J.D. VANCE.
VANCE WON THE NOMINATION AFTER EMBRACING THE FORMER PRESIDENT,
WHO GAVE HIM THIS RINGING ENDORSEMENT LAST MONTH.
>> J.D. IS KISSING MY ASS. HE WANTS MY SUPPORT SO MUCH.
>> Stephen: J.D., YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SQUEEZE IN NEXT TO
LINDSEY GRAHAM. THOSE TWO ARE LIKE A COUPLE OF
PUPPIES FIGHTING OVER A TEAT. LUCKILY, THERE'S PLENTY OF ASS
TO GO AROUND. WELL, LAST NIGHT, VANCE FACED
DEBATE AGAINST HIS OPPONENT, OFF IN HIS FIRST AND ONLY DEMOCRATIC
CONGRESSMAN TIM RYAN, SEEN HERE PLAYING AIR HOAGIE, AND RYAN
MADE SURE NO ONE FORGOT JUST HOW MUCH OF A GROVELLER VANCE IS.
>> I THINK THE PROBLEM IS WHEN YOU HAVE GUYS LIKE J.D. VANCE,
WHO CAN'T STAND UP TO ANYBODY. I'M FOR OHIO.
I DON'T KISS ANYONE'S ASS, LIKE HIM.
OHIO NEEDS AN ASS KICKER, NOT AN ASS KISSER.
>> Stephen: WELL SAID! THE IMPORTANT THING IS, WHOEVER
WINS, OHIO'S SENATOR WILL DO SOMETHING WITH AN ASS!
BUT PERHAPS NO ONE MADE J.D. VANCE LOOK MORE OUT OF TOUCH
THAN J.D. VANCE. HERE HE IS CRITICIZING FEDERAL
MARIJUANA: >> WE'VE GOT TO BE DECRIMINALIZATION OF CAREFUL HERE
NOT TO BE SOFT ON CRIME. BECAUSE, A LOT OF TIMES, YOU'LL
HEAR SOMEBODY THROWN IN PRISON FOR SMOKING A JOINT.
IF YOU LOOK AT THE UNDERLYING CHARGE, IT WASN'T JUST THAT THEY
SMOKED A JOINT. IT'S THAT THEY SMOKED A JOINT
AND THEN BEAT AN ELDERLY WOMAN OVER THE HEAD WITH A PISTOL.
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH. A LOT OF TIMES YOU READ THAT.
MARIJUANA FAMOUSLY LEADS TO I READ THAT EVERY DAY. ALL
KINDS OF VIOLENT CRIME. GRAND THEFT NACHO, RECKLESS
EN-GIGGLE-MENT, AND CONSPIRACY TO COMMIT TO A WHOLE SEASON OF
"PLANET EARTH." RIGHT AFTER THE MIDTERMS,
THERE'S GOING TO BE ANOTHER BIG DAY: JOE BIDEN'S BIRTHDAY,
WHEN HE'LL TURN 80 YEARS OLD. MAKING HIM THE FIRST PRESIDENT
TO BECOME AN OCTOGENARIAN WHILE IN OFFICE.
THE WHITE HOUSE HAS A PROBLEM HERE.
BECAUSE "OLDEST PRESIDENT EVER!" ISN'T THE KIND OF RECORD YOU
IT'S RIGHT UP THERE WITH WANT TO BE SETTING. GROVER
CLEVELAND'S RECORD FOR LONGEST PRESIDENTIAL FINGERNAILS.
SO, THE WHITE HOUSE IS PLAYING DOWN THIS MILESTONE.
ACCORDING TO ADMINISTRATION SOURCES, YOU SHOULDN'T EXPECT A
BLOWOUT BIRTHDAY BASH. ...WHICH IS JUST WHAT YOU'D SAY
WHEN YOU'RE PLANNING A SURPRISE PARTY!
IT'S GOING TO BE A SENIOR CITIZEN THROW-DOWN!
WE'RE TALKING ENSURE STANDS, LOW-CUT SHAWLS, AND SHOTS,
SHOTS, SHOTS: COVID, FLU, AND SHINGLES.
S TONIGHT WE'RE GOING TO PARTY ♪ TONIGHT WE'RE GOING TO PARTY.
♪ TONIGHT WE'RE GOING PARTY. ♪ TONIGHT WE'RE GOING TO PARTY
CUZ YOU ARE ALMOST THE 9. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WE HEAR AT THE LATE SHOW WANT >> INTERPRETIVE. TO
MAKE OUR OCTOGENARIAN PRESIDENT LOOK YOUNG AND VIBRANT
VIBRANT, SO WE HAVE DEVELOPED A NEW TECHNOLOGY TO ENHANCE THE
APPEARANCE OF ANY SENIOR'S VIGOR.
INTRODUCING: YOUTH-RESTORING, ENERGETIC SOUND EFFECTS!
JIM?
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!
MY GUESTS ARE TONY AWARD WINNERS JOHN LITHGOW AND WENDELL PIERCE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I GET A VISIT FROM RUDY GIULIANI
HIMSELF. I'M JUST AS SURPRISED AS YOU
ARE.