Translator: Gianna Carroni Reviewer: Peter van de Ven
Good evening.
I am an intimalogist.
That's not to be confused with entomologist with an E
because that's a bug expert.
And even though I can bug the hell out of some people -
(Laughter)
My version of intimacy, or intimalogy,
is the study of intimacy in its complexity.
Because as an intimacy expert,
I feel that intimacy is the foundation for relationships.
And it is made up of so many components.
As you can see in my lovely intimacy wheel,
it's care, support, nurturing;
it's respect, passion, and yes, sex.
But I really feel that you devalue intimacy
when you try to transpose it to sex.
Because sex lasts about, on average, seven minutes -
not including for and after play, okay.
(Laughter)
But it's the physical expression of the passion, the attraction,
the desire that you feel for someone.
Think of it this way:
intimacy is the larger, hidden part of the relationship iceberg.
Growing up, I was confused.
I was seeking a deeper connection.
I wanted love that made me feel passionate and safe.
I didn't know it at the time,
but I was looking for what was hidden below the surface of the water.
So, I decided to educate myself and use my life experience
to help others to develop those deep, intimate relationships that they desire.
It is what I was always meant to do.
It sure wasn't basketball.
I know many of you wondered, "How tall is she?"
(Laughter)
Well, from scalp to sole, I stand 6 foot 2 inches tall.
On days like today, the big hair, high heels,
you can add about 6 inches to that.
Many believe that we are going to a profession for our own reasons.
It could be because you care about someone, you love someone,
you want to do something to change their lives.
Or you could be facing your own demons.
And for me it was both.
And to help me understand, and work through,
and actually prepare to go to battle with my demons,
I came up with an alter ego:
Warrior Goddess.
I chose her for her strength and for her guidance.
Because as human beings we are really good at hiding painful memories.
It's a protective mechanism.
And sometimes, those memories don't stay hidden for long.
Mine, actually, resurfaced in my dreams.
And one was so powerful, it actually shook me to my core.
I was seated at a vanity,
in what seemed to be an old childhood bedroom.
And the light was streaming into the room through the door behind me,
and I was staring in this mirror,
just reminiscing about my time spent in that room, in that space.
Suddenly, a little girl appeared.
She looked so excited, and she smiled at me.
And I turned to greet her - she wasn't there.
And yet, in the mirror there she stood.
"Hi. Who are you?"
No sooner than those words passed my lips,
a pain erupted in my heart, and I saw the tears in her eyes.
I knew who she was.
And no sooner than she appeared,
she vanished.
I was awoken in a jolt, and my face was wet with tears.
That little girl was me.
She had waited there all those years, for me to come and claim her,
to acknowledge our past.
You see, I was molested from the age of nine to 13,
by my mother's husband.
Ulcers it ate away at my stomach, as I worried each night
that he would slither in and hurt me.
Regardless that I slept right next to an older sister, in the same bed.
But you see, he gained his access to lurk at night
by getting my mother drunk.
And she basically emasculated my brothers,
and so no one was coming to my rescue.
It was then that I realized that I had to fight my own battles.
So, I began to sleep with a knife under my pillow.
And my warrior self vowed that if he touched me again,
we would use it.
My mother, she's still with him.
I left home at seventeen, totally unequipped for life.
I went from failed relationship to failed relationship,
and even more trauma.
Two date rapes.
It was as if i had a neon sign above my head,
signalling predators.
Something had to change; I had to change.
I only have control over me.
So, I analyzed, I assessed - what am I thinking about,
what are my views about love and sex?
I call that a love prospective. What are those things?
Well, they're family, they're religion,
they're society, gender, life experience,
these things contribute to our beliefs and our behaviors.
So, I started at the beginning, at my conception,
because you see, intimacy begins at infancy.
And if you are like me, at home with my mother,
who bore twelve children by ten different men ...
I felt like just another damn mouth to feed.
So, empowered by my warrior goddess,
I reparented, I nurtured,
I encouraged myself to open up
to the most transformational energy that we know: love.
Because just how we learn and grow in our lives, in our careers,
we have to do so in our relationships.
Many of us devote more time to "Game of Thrones" and "Scandal,"
than we do to our loved ones,
to those we love.
And, like any living thing, with neglect, it can wither and die.
So, I leave you with this:
with everything that we are dealing with in society today,
sexual assault, domestic violence,
we are facing our demons.
But like Mother Teresa says,
"We fight for, not against."
And if I can stand here before you, and tell you my story,
talk of my challenges,
then I know that you can go forth and create intimacy in your lives.
Thank you.
(Applause)
Stay still?
Thank you.
Paul Williams: I want to ask a question.
Kat Smith: Okay.
There seems to be a rise, lately, in domestic violence.
Is there any way that we can use what we know about intimacy
to help curb that?
KS: Oh, yes.
Learning of intimacy in all the different components of it
would make a huge impact.
Also, emotional development.
Because the disconnect happens, the breakdown happens
when we tell a 4-year-old boy not to cry.
He's been taught to separate himself from his emotions his entire life.
He's been pushed into more physical expressions.
He seeks power, competition, physical strenght.
So, when we women go to him and say, "We have got to talk,"
he is like, "Oh, what did I do?"
Physical expression, okay?
And when a man feels powerless, he doesn't have control,
because he can't communicate what he needs from his relationship.
What he is seeking from it - how does he explain something emotional
when he doesn't have any emotional development?
So, if we allow men to get in touch with their emotions,
it helps them to communicate better,
and be able to and get what they want from their relationship.
(Music)
PW: Doctor Kat Smith, everybody.
(Applause)