- As you can see I've been working on my fitness.
(audience cheering)
All right, I do CrossFit.
Every day I get men to carry me up and down the stairs.
I love Cardi B.
I love hip hop.
You guys party with Cardi?
(audience cheers)
Yes.
I love Cardi B.
I love her 'cause she's Dominican and I'm Dominican
and there are no Dominicans in Los Angeles.
So she's kind of like our brand ambassador, right?
She's making us part of the culture,
part of the lexicon.
Similar to what she's doing for Fashion Nova.
(audience laughs)
I love Cardi though 'cause she's a bad bitch.
Ooh, and I wanna believe that we're the same kind
of bad bitch, but I know that we're not, all right?
Cause I'm a bougie bitch,
she's a hood bitch.
There's a difference, all right?
I'm bougie.
I'll show up to your barbecue
with a bottle of sparkling wine
and then have the nerve to not bring any feet.
Just some real bougie bitch shit.
(audience laughs)
Cardi was pregnant at the same time as her Pit Bull.
Straight up, that is some hood bitch shit.
That is hood as fuck.
All right?
And it doesn't matter how many door knocker earrings I wear,
okay?
How many shoes I snatch off people's feet,
throw across the room.
I'm never gonna be the hood bitch.
You know, like, maybe pregnant at the same time
as my Shar Pei.
And then name my daughter Qulture with a Q
'cause I've been abroad.
(audience laughs)
I am bougie.
White people think I'm a safe person to
run all their casual racism by
'cause I enjoy Paul Thomas Anderson films and I brunch.
(audience laughs)
I do fucking love to brunch, okay?
Brunch, yes.
And we have some converts over here.
Brunch?
- [Audience] Woo!
Woo!
All right.
I don't have to tell you that it is a sacred meal
that's shared and enjoyed by street women and homosexual
men.
(audience laughs and applauds)
Okay, where we bond over our shared love of
wide-brimmed hats and dick.
(audience laughs)
I treat this meal with so much respect
that I begin every single brunch order
with just a high-pitched, "Is it possible?"
Oh, my God.
(audience laughs)
That way my server knows it's okay to spit in my mimosa.
Just two times, one for each foot I'm missing.
We're here.
We're foot loose.
We fancy free, okay?
We're doing it.
We're living.
I was on my way to brunch recently just taking
in the sights and sounds of the urban life around me.
I saw two people fucking on the sidewalk.
Literally they were lying down in broad daylight
going at it so hard it was amazing.
At the time though I didn't know how to process it.
I was like, wait,
are they doing their part to fight the gentrification
that's destroying my neighborhood?
Or am I just jealous that I'll never know
love that pure and true?
(audience laughs)
I am single.
Single and ready to ChristianMingle.
And I'm swiping.
You know, we're swiping, we're swiping, we're on the apps.
And let me tell you
on these apps, these men, ooh, they're reaching out.
They're hitting me
with just kind, thoughtful messages.
Things like, Hey.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
Why don't you roll on over to my place?
I wanna spin those wheels.
Uh-uh girl, why don't you pop a wheelie on my dick?
(audience laughs)
Just so much chivalry gets thrown at me on Tinder.
It's hard to keep up.
'Cause did you know the internet is where men shine?
(audience laughs)
So bright!
And these men, like, I know that they're
they're asking me these questions
'cause they wanna get to know me, right?
Are you able to be sexually aroused?
Can you achieve orgasm?
Well, my vagina and clitoris were located in my feet
but those are gone now.
So it's not a real possibility.
That's how the female body works.
It is dark, but I do see some men in the back taking notes
and I'm just so thankful I could be of service.
You know, but it's, you know, we've had a pandemic,
we're in one.
And I am dating women now.
- [Audience] Woo!
Okay.
Is it a woo?
(audience laughs)
Bitch, I'm in my thirties.
It just seems prudent.
You know, but here we are, I'm dating women.
And the first time I hooked up with a woman
I had these nails and
it was just a real
long time listener, first time caller energy.
(audience laughs)
You know, but where there is a will, there is a way.
I got just real Edward Scissorhands up in her.
Didn't do a full cut, just a graze.
And I made her come.
(audience cheers and applauds)
So, men, what is your excuse?
I am glad that we're out.
I'm glad that we're out.
We're fucking enjoying.
We're living.
We're laughing.
We're having fun.
I, I, I wanna, I wanna go out of this country.
Truly, I wanna fucking travel and see the world.
I've been cooped up for too long.
I wanna go somewhere exotic.
Maybe Morocco, maybe Argentina,
perhaps Barstow.
Just, like, somewhere really far and out there.
Not to brag, I have been a Barstow.
I was there and I ate at the Olive Garden.
You guys familiar with the brand?
(audience cheers)
Yes.
I love Olive Garden because they celebrate chosen family.
(audience laughs)
And I also love Olive Garden
because even though I didn't lose my feet to diabetes
I want everyone to think I did.
(audience laughs)
I want them to see me rolling in there
and go, "Damn, look at that high risk bitch
just returning to the scene of the crime."