BUT LET'S GET INTO IT, THE FIRST DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY
DEBATE WAS LAST NIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, YOU GUY, THE QUEST TO DE-NEGROFY THE
WHITE HOUSE CONTINUES.
(LAUGHTER) OKAY SO LAST NIGHT'S DEBATE OR
AS I LIKE TO CALL IT THE SEARCH FOR HILLARY'S RUNNING MATE,
OKAY, IT WAS INTERESTING THAT CNN WAS TREATING IT MORE LIKE IT
WAS MAYWEATHER VERSUS PACQUIAO.
>> IN THE HEART OF LAS VEGAS A CAMPAIGN OF HEAD-TO-HEAD
RIVALS THAT HAVE NEVER GONE HEAD-TO-HEAD BEFORE. HILLARY
CLINTON, THE FRONTRUNNER, BERNIE SANDERS THE SURPRISE
THREAT, THREE OTHER POLITICAL VETERANS ARE IN THE MIX.
THREE OTHER POLITICAL VETERANS.
IN THE MIX?
YOU COULDN'T EVEN SAY THEIR NAMES, CNN?
[BLEEP] ACTUALLY, TO BE FAIR, NOBODY CAN REMEMBER THEIR NAMES.
SERIOUSLY, I INTERVIEWED ONE OF THOSE GUYS.
I CAN'T REMEMBER HIS NAME.
AND DAN-- WAS IT DAN, LINCOLN CHAFEE, YEAH, NOW LINCOLN IS A
REALLY NICE PERSON, ALL RIGHT.
I DON'T WANT TO MAKE FUN OF HIM.
BUT COME ON GUYS, HE'S MAKING IT WAY TOO EASY WITH THAT OVERSIZED
SUIT.
OR THE TIE HE CLEARLY CUT OUT OF HIS MOTEL CURTAINS THE HOUR
BEFORE THE DEBATE, SURELY, I'M JUST SAYING.
I DON'T-- I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.
AND THAT WAS THE SMALL TRAIN WRECK.
THE BIG TRAIN WRECK CAME WHEN HE STARTED TALKING.
>> MY FIRST VOTE, I JUST ARRIVED, MY DAD HAD DIED.
MY DAD HAD DIED.
>> IT WAS THE FIRST VOTE, MAYOR OF MY CITY, MY DAD HAD DIED
REALLY, TRYING TO CAPTURE THE YOUTH WITH THAT ONE. NOTHING
GETS PEOPLE TO THE POLLS LIKE THE GRIM SPECTER OF DAD DEATH.
LINCOLN, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WIN THIS, MOVE ON TO JIM WEBB.
OKAY.
GUYS, I DO NOT LIKE TO FOCUS ON PEOPLE'S LOOKS BUT I JUST CAN'T
GET PAST THE FACT THAT HE LOOKS LIKE A MIDDLE TOE, HE DOES, I
CAN'T.
IT'S IN MY MIND.
I CAN'T GET THAT OUT OF MY HEAD.
I CAN'T.
AND NOW YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO GET IT OUT OF YOUR HEAD.
I'M SORRY, JIM WEBB, MIDDLE TOE.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT IS WEIRD, I WILL GIVE AN
EXAMPLE. THE CANDIDATES WERE GIVEN THE QUESTION BLACK LIVES
MATTER OR ALL LIVES MATTER.
NOW WE'RE AT THE DEMOCRATIC DEBATE.
BLACK LIVES MATTER, MOVE ON, RIGHT.
BUT I THINK JIM GOT CAUGHT IN HIS OWN WEB.
>> EVERY LIFE IN THIS COUNTRY MATTERS.
I HAVE HAD A LONG HISTORY OF WORKING WITH THE SITUATION OF
AFRICAN-AMERICANS.
SITUATION?OF AFRICAN-AMERICANS?
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
OR MAYBE THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL A GROUP OF US?
LIKE A SCHOOL OF FISH, OR YOU KNOW, GAGGLE OF GEESE, YOU KNOW,
IT'S A SITUATION OF AFRICAN-AMERICANS.
THE SAME-- IT MAKES SENSE.
A SITUATION.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU KNOW, THAT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY EVERY TIME COPS SEE A GROUP OF
BLACK PEOPLE THEY GO LIEUTENANT, WE'VE GOT A SITUATION ON OUR
HANDS.
IT MAKES SENSE IT DOES MAKE SENSE, IT DOES MAKE SENSE.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
WHAT ABOUT MARTIN O'MALLEY.
>> WHAT YOU HEARD INSTEAD ON THIS STAGE TONIGHT WAS AN HONEST
SEARCH FOR THE ANSWERS THAT WILL MOVE OUR COUNTRY FORWARD.
Larry: OKAY.TOTAL DREAM BOAT.
I ONLY WISH BERNIE SANDERS IDEAS WERE COMING FROM THAT FACE
HAVE YOU SEEN HIM AT THE BEACH?
I'M GOING TO-- I'M GOING TO CALL HIM SECOND AMENDMENT BECAUSE
HE'S GOT THE RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS.
(APPLAUSE).
OVERALL,THE DEBATE FOR PRESIDENT IS REALLY BETWEEN HILLARY AND
BERNIE, RIGHT, WHICH CULMINATED IN THIS EPIC MOMENT.
>> I THINK THE SECRETARY IS RIGHT.
AND THAT IS THAT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ARE SICK AND TIRED OF
HEARING ABOUT YOUR DAMN E-MAILS.
NOTE TO SELF: NEVER LOSE MY FRISBEE IN THAT OLD MAN'S
BACKYARD.
BUT WHAT A GALLANT MOVE THAT WAS. I GIVE BERNIE A LOT OF
CREDIT.
HE IS DEFENDING THE LADY'S HONOR AT HIS POSSIBLE POLITICAL
EXPENSE.
THAT IS SOME SWEET ASS FROM MAPLE SYRUP SOCIALIZING
SOCIALISM RIGHT THERE
SO HOW DID HILLARY REACT TO THAT ONE?
(APPLAUSE).
WOW. I MEAN WHAT AN ADULT RESPONSE.
TWO PEOPLE WHO ARE IN AN INTENSE COMPETITION FOR THE MOST
POWERFUL JOB IN THE WORLD BUT TREATING EACH OTHER LIKE
REASONABLE HUMAN BEINGS.
HMMMM.
BUT NICE, MOMENTS LIKE THAT, THEY DON'T STACK UPRATINGS WISE.
THIS DEBATE WAS DOWN 42% COMPARED TO THE LAST REPUBLICAN
DEBATE. I GUESS PEOPLE PREFER THEIR
DEBATE HAND INTERACTIONS TO BE A BIT MORE SPAZZY
I COULD WATCH THAT [BLEEP] ALL DAY, GUYS.
BUT YOU KNOW, I GET IT, LAST NIGHT'S DEBATE WAS TOO
FRIENDLY AND FRIENDLY EQUALS BORING.
NOW TO BE HONEST, THAT MADE ME LONG FOR SOME OF THIS.
>> WATCH A FULLY-FORMED FETUS ON THE TABLE
>> RIP UP THEIR BODY PARTS AND SELL THEM LIKE THEY ARE PARTS TO
A BUICK.
>> WE HAVE TO KEEP IT ALIVE TO HARVEST ITS BRAIN.
>> IF YOU WANT TO GIVE HIM A BIG HUG AGAIN, GO RIGHT AHEAD.
>> RAND PAUL SHOULDN'T EVEN BE ON THIS STAGE.
>> HARVEST ITS BRAIN.
>> YOU INTERRUPTED EVERYBODY ELSE, YOU CAN'T INTERRUPT ME.
>> HARVEST ITS BRAIN.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
NOW I'M NOT SAYING THAT REPUBLICANS HAVE BETTER IDEAS.
I'M JUST SAYING THEY HAVE HAVE BETTER INSULTS.
AND BRAIN HARVESTING TALK ALWAYS MAKES BETTER TELEVISION, YOU
GUYS.
NOW A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK CARLY BABY BRAIN HARVESTING FIORINA
WON THAT DEBATE AND PEOPLE SAY HILLARY WON THIS DEBATE.
SO GO ON, LADIES, GO ON!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) BUT AND IT'S FUNNY THAT THE
KNOCK AGAINST HILLARY IS THAT SHE'S TOO SMART, RIGHT.
SHE'S TOO COMPETENT, YOU KNOW.
SHE'S UNRELATABLE.
SHE NEEDS TO BE MORE HUMAN.
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, CAN SHE ACCOMPLISH THIS.
WELL, FOR ME, THERE IS ONE MOMENT THAT TOTALLY HUMANIZED
HER.
>> ALL THE CANDIDATES ARE BACK.
WHICH I'M VERY HAPPY TO SEE.
A LONG STORY.
LET'S CONTINUE, WE.
SECRETARY CLINTON, WELCOME BACK.
>> THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW, IT DOES TAKE ME A LITTLE LONGER, THAT'S ALL I CAN
SAY.
!HILLARY PEES? OH MY GOD, SHE'S JUST LIKE ME!
I'M VOTING FOR HER.
I DIDN'T KNOW SHE PEED.
THAT'S REALLY WHAT IT COMES DOWN TO.
MAYBE ONE OF THE MOST EXCITING MOMENTS CAME DURING A COMMERCIAL
BREAK.
>> IF YOU LOVE SHRIMP LIKE I LOVE SHRIMP COME TO RED LOBSTER.
>> FOR AS MUCH SHRIMP AS MUCH AS YOU WANT IT.
THAT'S RIGHT, BITCHES! IT'S ENDLESS SHRIMP SEASON.
WHAT OTHER AWESOME ADS RAN DURING THE DEBATE.
>> DEAR HILLARY CLINTON YOU IGNORED CALLS FOR
HELP IN BENGHAZI, 4 AMERICANS WERE MURDERED.
YOU LIED.
WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE
COME ON, RIGHTWING AD PEOPLE,
CAN'T A BROTHER ENJOY ENDLESS SHRIMP?
ALL RIGHT, LINCOLN CHAFFEE CHEER ME UP.
>> MY DAD HAD DIED.
Larry: OKAY.ALL RIGHT.
SO IN THE ENDS, WAS THE DEBATE BORING? YEAH. DID IT HAVE ALL
THE FIREWORKS AND TALK ABOUT DEAD BABY PARTS AND OVERT RACISM
AND FULL-BLOWN HOMOPHOBIA OF THE OTHER DEBATE?
>> NO. DID I SIMULTANEOUSLY
WATCH THE DODGERS GAME, YES, YES, I ACTUALLY DID.
THAT'S A REAL PHOTO.
BUT THE POINT IS WE HAVE THESE DEBATES TO DETERMINE WHO IS THE
BEST PERSON TO LEAD THE FREE WORLD.
NOT TO FIND THE BEST ENTERTAINER IN CHIEF.
BECAUSE, BECAUSE IF THAT WERE THE CASE, I WOULD VOTE FOR
CEDRIC THE.