G'day, A.J. Mahari here have you been hurt and traumatized by a person you suspect has bpd
maybe not diagnosed or somebody that you know is diagnosed with bpd or npd for that matter
which by the way bp is not a form of npd but if you've been really hurt and traumatized
and shattered by a person with borderline personality or narcissistic personality in a
significant other relationship but equally it's just true for any other relationship types then
most people have codependency and so why do you need to focus on that some more
i think because too many people are focused on understandably right you're really hurt
you're really traumatized you want to understand better and more about what happened
and yet people that are still looking for closure when a relationship has ended
it's not just about that right it's about the want to get the person back
who you thought they were and then i've had many clients describe it to me this way you know that
especially men but women too with a borderline ex male x that you know a lot of clients will
say but like this is the most traumatizing thing i've ever been through i've never had
a relationship like this this has impacted me so badly i don't know who i am i've lost myself
and all of that is really tragically very true for more people than not after these relationships
situationships unconscious setups between codependents and cluster b's in which nobody
really knows on a conscious level what's about to happen so the key thing with that though is
not to stay for too long too mired in the borderline did this in the borderline did that
and the narcissist did this and the narcissist did that why well it's about getting into therapy
because there are no shortcuts in this healing and anybody who gives you this option of a mind hack
or a shortcut or some magical way to do it they're not telling you the truth because it really is a
process and like anything that you want to heal and recover from it's going to require processing
some pain learning more about yourself but i just wanted to speak in this hopefully brief video
about the reality that people who have been in these relationships and um think that it
is the most traumatic or experienced it as the most traumatic thing that's ever happened to you
absolutely it may well be right each person's perception and experience is their own right
but what i'm here to say about that just for you to think about it's for many people with
significance to severe codependency it's not the first time that you felt this bad it's not
the first time that you feel this loss to yourself it's not the first time that maybe you're hurting
as badly as you are now maybe you're hurting more now than you did in childhood maybe it's
hard to compare or equate the two because maybe you're not aware yet of your wounded inner child
and what the cause of codependency in your life really it was and what you're carrying forward
in an unconscious way so i think people with codependency it really will help you more no
matter what else you do online watching videos commenting sharing your story i think that's
all important for people especially in the beginning and maybe even for a while after
but make no mistake about it if you're not in therapy then you know you're gonna elongate
and maybe even increase your suffering because so much of what you experienced
with that person with bp or that narcissist person with narcissistic personality disorder
is none of it's your fault let me make that clear um and there is no excuse for abuse and so there's
no excuse for abuse you know like if somebody disagrees with me on this channel or says whatever
or you know like trolls or whatever like does that give me a reason to abuse no so there shouldn't be
any mind reading in all this either because you can't really know the motivation behind
you can learn more about it but when you're in the relationship when you're getting hurt
and when you're still hoping that you're going to find that person that you thought they were
you can't take in really not not emotionally maybe intellectually at points and places of certain
things to do with ppd but it's so important to realize that this isn't the first time
for more people than not with significance to severe codependency not the first time that you've
had these feelings maybe the first time that you're so consciously aware maybe the first time
you've had them in this way in adulthood but it all goes back to childhood it really really does
that's what's so important about the inner child healing work
and the family of origin work and many other aspects of this process of
recovery from these relationships which i know that i've said this before but
it's really important codependents maybe hear it again because maybe some people are new and if
you're new to this and you just found out that the person you're with you think has bpd or they've
been diagnosed or whatever the case you know people with codependency feel like they so love
that person still and for many people maybe that's the way it is you know and your feelings uh
are your feelings and for for a lot of people with codependency though it's about being in
love with the idea of being in love and you don't know that consciously and it's about really being
in love with the person that you thought they were so when they are no longer and you know now
they're not the person that you thought they were and that can be extremely traumatizing confusing
painful and beyond then codependents need to ask themselves who are you loving exactly
and what's going on there and what are the repetition compulsions from your childhood
and that is you know i'm not here to work with you but i resonate with you but that's a big part of i
mean there's many many pieces of moving pieces to this process of you know relationship recovery and
be uh sorry uh codependency recovery but therapy is your way forward and yeah there's no way out of
this conundrum of agony without going to therapy and opening up to a process that will put you
in touch with where you're going to get your closure it will put you in touch with some pain
and a wounded inner child inside of you but it is the way and there's other steps and there are
not steps but there's other areas in the process right but it is the way that people can break free
from the bpd maze of like what happened and and just re-traumatizing yourself with ruminating and
obsessing on them and wanting them back you deserve to free yourself today and what's the
other big element that you need to free yourself from many people don't realize that just even if
you've decided to end the relationship and even if you know you're not going to go back
and you really have had it and you are from no contact but you're not in therapy and you're
not working on things you are headed for your next cluster b these are the patterns
this is the trauma bond you know fit that isn't a fit but so it's really important to
understand yeah maybe more about bpd2 degree or npd for people
but you need to get accurate information and how do you know when you first get online
if you're finding accurate information or not so that's really important as well but the key thing
is you know to make sure that you're not watching any youtuber or you know in any kind of like forum
or place where people are actively engaging each other in disrespectful to abusive ways because
that's not necessary and so i i'm just to speak to people with codependency here wanting to say today
that well everything feels like everything that hurts inside you so badly right now feels like
it's all because of the person with bpd well much of it is you've definitely been traumatized and
wounded and untreated people bpd and people that are assumed to have bpd by buy x's etc
you're probably not wrong just saying um that aren't even diagnosed
well you see all the agony that's happening out here in the world out there for so many
of you is because you're with untreated people with bpd so people bpd can get into therapy
many modalities not dbt gbt is great but like a year or two of dbt
and then moving into a psychodynamic modality it's not 10 years of therapy and dbt nobody
with bp ever does 10 years of therapy and gbt and people bp can really fully heal and recover but
that's going to be a big so what to you if if the person that just or a while back really hurt and
traumatize you is somebody who you're not sure if they have bp for sure maybe they're not diagnosed
uh maybe they're diagnosed but like they're not paying attention and they're not going to get help
that makes everything impossible and it's quite different when people have had substantial
treatment with bpd and they're working through that and maybe they're in a relationship and
it's working because they're doing the therapy that really helps to change it changes the
internal emotional landscape of people bp and it changes their behavior as well but it takes
a long time it does take years so for people with codependency i want you to just think about
you know hopefully you'll get into therapy if you're not already and think about how much of the
pain that you might be in right now or you might have been in for months or even a year or more
or years right now because even when you're out of the relationship even when you're full no contact
that alone does not break the trauma bond and so it's really looking at the deeper work in therapy
that's going to help you to break the trauma bond and what's also important for you to think about
today is that well maybe this is the worst pain you've ever been in i would never you know if
that's what you say then you know better than i do but it probably closely mirrors pain that
you've experienced in maybe different ways prior in childhood so what's key about that well focus
for people with codependency to start focusing on themselves and as difficult as that is and to not
continue to be overly focused on bpd npd cluster b information to the point where that's still coming
way ahead of yourself you're still abandoning yourself to this quest for more understanding
through why did the bpd do this and what's the and how come this and you're gonna hear so much
so much conflicting information at best anyway so it's time to focus on you and it's time to also
understand that i'm not measuring because there's no way to compare and measure pain
but all the pain and hurt that you might have been in that might be getting a bit better or you might
be in therapy working through or you're new to or you haven't gone to therapy you're trying to
do it on your own just with watching videos let me just say videos are not a replacement for therapy
you will come to realize if you get yourself into therapy
that the pain you're in right now which might be more than ever before
but it's not unfamiliar to you it's not as unfamiliar as you think it is
so don't you think that it would really be helpful for you to find out more about what that means
and get into a therapy and a healing and recovery process that will help you to find closure break
the trauma bond stop obsessing ruminating focusing on the person with bpd blow by
below everything that happened because so much of that which needs to be processed and talked
about in therapy as well but so much of that goes back to codependents spinning their wheels
you know like like you're in a car and you're deep in um like a a mud you know big pile of mud
and the more that you hit the the gas pedal the the deeper into the muck you're sinking
and this is what happens for people's codependency who keep externalizing out that focus to try to
figure out that person with bp and you truly do believe and you truly do feel and you might really
feel it's hard for me to say right you but you truly believe that you love this person but this
is stockholm syndrome and trauma bond because you are now identifying with not only identifying with
an abuser but now you're loving an abuser but but you're really loving the person who you thought
they were anyway just food for thought and i hope that that might help somebody and again
it's not you know it's kind of a refresher but uh think about it if you're not in therapy yet
or if you're new to this if you've been not in touch with a borderline four or narcissists for
you know a year or more but like you still are thinking about them you still might be
waiting for a hoover you might want to hoover you might still be thinking about hoovering all the
social media kind of peeking and stealth reverse hoovering it's going on for so many people because
you can't break the trauma bond by just walking away wood that it would be so simple take care