OH, HERE'S THE THING.
IT'S ANOTHER DAY.
SO THERE'S ANOTHER STORY OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT.
THIS TIME IT'S CONGRESSMAN AND GUY WHOSE EYEBROWS DON'T MATCH
THE DRAPES, PAT MEEHAN.
PENNSYLVANIA CONGRESSMAN?
PENNSYLVANIA CONGRESSMAN.
MEEHAN NOT ONLY MADE UNWANTED ROMANTIC ADVANCES TO ONE OF HIS
AIDES.
HE ALSO USED THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS IN TAXPAYER MONEY TO
SETTLE THE COMPLAINT, WHICH EXPLAINS THAT BOX YOU CAN CHECK
ON YOUR TAXES "WOULD YOU LIKE TO DONATE $3 TO A CONGRESSMAN'S
SEXUAL HARASSMENT SETTLEMENT?
'YES,' OR, 'TOO BAD, WE'RE DOING IT ANYWAY.'"
( APPLAUSE ) SO-- YES!
GIVE THEM MONEY!
SO WHAT DID YOU PAY FOR?
WELL, MEEHAN, WHO IS MARRIED, SAYS HE HAD A DEEP AFFECTION FOR
THE YOUNGER AIDE AND TOLD HER LAST YEAR THAT HE SAW HER AS "A
SOUL MATE," BUT SAID HE NEVER PURSUED A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP
WITH THE WOMAN.
PRETTY SURE CALLING SOMEONE YOUR SOUL MATE IS ROMANTIC.
"YEAH, I SAID THAT SHE WAS MY SUN AND MY MOON AND MY STARS.
THEN I STOOD OUTSIDE HER WINDOW HOLDING A BOOM BOX PLAYING PETER
GABRIEL'S 'IN YOUR EYES' AS COWORKERS.
YOU COMPLETE ME!
BUT DON'T READ ANYTHING INTO THAT!"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, MEEHAN'S DEFENSE?
HE SAID HE FELT "INVITED" TO EXPRESS HIS ROMANTIC FEELINGS TO
THE AIDE AS THEY SHARED ICE CREAM AFTER WORK.
SIR, I THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE MISHEARD HER.
SHE SAID SHE WANTED "CHUBBY HUBBY" NOT A HUBBY WITH A
CHUBBY.
( LAUGHTER ) THINGS GOT-- THINGS GOT--
( LAUGHTER ) THINGS GOT WORSE WHEN MEEHAN
FOUND OUT THE AIDE HAD A BOYFRIEND, WHICH PROMPTED HIM TO
EXPRESS HIS ROMANTIC DESIRES AND GROW HOSTILE WHEN SHE DID NOT
RECIPROCATE.
OH, WHO HASN'T BEEN THERE , YOU KNOW, WE'VE ALL HAD THOSE
FEELINGS.
IT'S LIKE THE OLD SAYING, "IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING, SET IT FREE.
IF IT DOESN'T COME BACK, GET ANGRY.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR IT."
( LAUGHTER ) THEN MEEHAN MADE IT ALL BETTER
BY SENDING A HANDWRITTEN LETTER IN WHICH HE WROTE, "AS YOU BASK
IN THIS MOMENT OF EXTREME JOY, I WANT TO SHARE WITH YOU MY
SENTIMENT OF HOW RICHLY IT IS DESERVED.
I PRAY THAT YOU MIGHT BE BLESSED WITH CHILDREN THAT YOU WILL
RAISE SO WONDERFULLY IN YOUR IMAGE."
TO WHICH THE AIDE RESPONDED, "DUDE, I JUST SAID I WAS GOING
TO STARBUCKS.
DO YOU WANT ANYTHING?"
THEN... THEN IT GETS WEIRD.
THEN IT GETS WEIRD.
( LAUGHTER ) MEEHAN RECOUNTS HIS TRIP TO THE
VIETNAM MEMORIAL, AND WHILE HE WAS THERE HE FOUND TWO
SOLDIERS WITH THEIR SAME LAST NAMES.
HE WROTE, "AS I TRACED THE MONUMENT WITH MY FINGER, I
WONDERED WHO THEY WERE AND WHY THEIR PLANS ENDED SO SADLY AND
ABRUPTLY."
YOU'RE AT THE VIETNAM MEMORIAL.
TAKE A STAB!
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, CONGRESSMAN MEEHAN IS
DEFENDING HIMSELF SAYING THAT THE WOMAN SPECIFICALLY INVITED
HIS INTIMATE COMMUNICATION.
OH, I DID NOT KNOW THERE WAS AN INVITATION:
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FISH, I THINK.
FISH.
OH, AND THAT THING ABOUT BEING HOSTILE TO HER?
SIMPLE EXPLANATION.
ACCORDING TO MEEHAN, "ANY HOSTILITY HE MAY HAVE EXHIBITED
STEMMED FROM STRESS AROUND HIGH-PRESSURE VOTES LAST YEAR
OVER THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT."
THEY WILL BLAME ANYTHING ON HIM.
"YEAH, I TOLD MY SUBORDINATE I WANT TO RUN AWAY WITH HER TO A
PRIVATE ISLAND AND JUST HOLD HER UNTIL WE'RE BOTH CONSUMED BY THE
RADIANCE OF HER BEAUTY.
THANKS, OBAMA."
( LAUGHTER ) MEEHAN IS BEING INVESTIGATED BY
THE HOUSE ETHICS COMMITTEE, WHICH HAS INCLUDED SUCH DIE-HARD
CRUSADERS AGAINST HARASSMENT AS CONGRESSMAN PAT MEEHAN, WHO HAS
TAKEN A LEADING ROLE IN FIGHTING SEXUAL HARASSMENT IN CONGRESS.
"WAIT, I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FIGHTING SEXUAL HARASSMENT IN
CONGRESS?
WELL-- HEH-HEJ-- DO I HAVE A FUNNY STORY!"
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR TONIGHT.