- Darryl, I looked my woman in the eye sockets.
I told her straight out.
I just said it, man.
I said it.
I said, I said, I said
I said bi-
- [Wives] Hey guys.
- Hey girl, how you doing? - Oh, hey, how you doin'
- You having a good time? - You having a good?
- You seen the bedroom? - We were just looking at-
- Washing machine? - Looking at the wood.
- That washing machine is huge - Looking at the wood up on
- You can get a whole bunch of clothes,
- in that washing machine.
(beatboxing intro)
- The mood is infectious and exciting today
as people from all walks of life celebrate
becoming the seventh state to legalize gay marriage.
We are here talking to excited couples
about how they feel on this historic day.
Oh, hi.
- Hi. Hi.
Yeah, it's a very historic day for civil rights,
and for gay Americans and Americans all over the country.
- We're gonna get married.
- We, we said that'd be a conversation.
You know what I mean?
Because we didn't know this was gonna pass so darn fast.
- So are you guys a couple?
- Are we a couple?
Come on, girl.
Let's get serious.
My name is LaShaun, and this right here is my sam-wich.
- It's just Samuel, yeah.
- And we're gonna get married.
- That's so great.
How long have you guys been together?
- Well, we've bee-
- Three years. It's been forever.
We've been waiting forever.
- It's really important to know the person.
- And who is the bride?
I am the bride.
(Lashaun scats a victory theme)
- Well, tell us all about your plans.
- Well, you know we never thought,
it was important to have a piece of paper.
- So there's not any plans in- - Oh, that piece of paper!
- We gonna get that piece of paper, Sammy!
- Yeah, yeah.
- That piece of paper!
- Where do you think you guys will get married?
- Oh, we know there's a lot of hidden costs in a wedding so-
- Everywhere! We gonna get married,
over here and over there,
and in the sky and on a cloud.
- Oh, wow. It sounds like it's gonna be a big wedding.
- Well, you know, it's, it's, it's, it's a conversation.
- We gonna rent the moon and fill with Rosè!
- We really need to talk about whether or not we think
it's fair to even get married
when it's still illegal in so many other states.
- See, look at him. Look at him.
That's my man with his big hearts th-
I'm sorry, my husband.
You my husband now.
- Well, we just-
- You're my husband now, bitch.
- We just don't wanna rush into anything,
because stuff gets overturned.
Remember what happened in California.
- Baby, I'm going get a 14-carat ring,
the size of 14 (beep) carrots.
That's what's up, doc.
(Lashaun makes eating noises)
- Well, you two certainly seem excited.
- Yeah. Do we seem excited?
Okay.
- Congratulations.
I hope you guys have a wonderful life together.
- We just, we really just didn't think it was gonna pass.
- It's gonna be-
We gonna have a house that's shaped like a unicorn
and we gonna have five little girls.
Their names gonna be
Atony, Carousel, Sequin, Abercrombie and Phantom.
And we gonna have a little dog named Ruffalo,
and the dog gonna have a cat named Myriad.
- Are you shitting me?!
- No!
- Seriously, you've gotta come back in the bar right now.
- You come back in the bar.
- Meegan, I don't even (beep) know Claire.
- Yeah, right.
- I'm sorr- you left your jacket!
- Yeah. Well, why don't you give it
to your new fat, ugly girlfriend?
- All right. I didn't even met her yet.
- Whatever!
- You left your jacket, Meegan!
- Oh, throw it in a river.
- Why would I (beep) do that?
- I don't care. I'm over it.
- Fine!
Ugh, god!
- Meegan!
- Leave me alone!
- But your jacket though.
- No!
- Seriously, Meegan!
- [Meegan] You start buying drinks for everybody
as soon as she comes over.
I mean, who does that?
- Meegan, come back to the bar!
- You're literally an asshole!
- How is that possible? I can't be an asshole.
I got arms and legs and a head.
- Where's my jacket?!
- I have your jacket!
- Fine. - Do you want it?!
- No.
- You know wha-
- Eat it.
- Why would I do that? You know what?
I'm not following you anymore.
- Fine, I'm over it!
- Fine!
- Meegan, come back to the bar.
- No!
- Meegan!
- Meegan! Meegan! - Uh-uh! No!
- Meegan, do you want your (beep) jacket?
- No!
- Seriously, come back to the bar.
- You go back to the bar.
- I'm gonna throw this jacket in the water.
- Oh, nice.
That's really nice.
- What do you want me to do, Meegan?
Damn!
- Kiss my butt hole. Okay?
- Good. Fine, fine.
Then I'm going.
I'm leaving right now.
Goddamn it.
Meegan!
- No.
- Like seriously your jacket.
- No.
- But it's your jacket though.
- Whatever!
(ominous music motif)
- Meegan!
- No.
- I have your, I have your jacket.
- I'm over it.
- Seriously, Meegan...
(ominous music flourish)
- I'm going to be honest with you, Samuel.
Adoption can be a long, difficult process.
- I'm sorry. We should probably wait for my partner.
He should be here any sec-
- We having a baby!
♪ We having a baby ♪
♪ We gonna raise it and feed it ♪
♪ and change it and dress it up like a peepaw. ♪
- Hello, Sammy.
- You must be LaShaun.
- Ooh, you must be l'correct.
- Okay, well,
we were just discussing your options for adoption.
- And how difficult it is to actually be approved.
- Oh, well, you could just put us on the list
with a gold star and a check
and a A+ because we want this baby like yester-doodle.
- Well, as I told your husband,
it can be an extremely long waiting period.
- Right, Right.
And it's even hard for straight couples to adopt so-
- Oh, well, just
you tell them baby people
that we are going to be the best parents ever
because we gon' be strict, but also fun.
Like, for instance, everybody gonna have to clean
up after Tuesday night dress-up parade.
- I do not know what that is.
- Oh, every day gonna have a different theme.
- Is it?
- So for instance, Monday,
that's gonna be under-the-sea day.
Tuesday, that's gonna be dress-up parade.
Wednesday gon' be based on the Chinese calendar.
Thursday's gonna be
♪ sing what you're doing day ♪
and then Friday-
- It might be very difficult
when you actually have kids, LaShaun.
- Kids? Do you wanna adopt more than one child?
- Absolutely not. - Absolutely. Toot-ally.
- It can speed things up.
If you're willing to adopt siblings together.
- Sammy, we can get a set. - Why?
- Sammy, we can get a set!
- We're not getting a set.
- Ooh, we could dress 'em up like companion objects.
Like a bat in the ball or a kite in the wind.
- See, look, LaShaun gets carried away.
- If you really want to expedite the process,
you could adopt a special needs baby.
(LaShaun gasps)
- Yes! - You are killing me here.
- Yes! That's what we want!
A special needs kid, preferably one
with white eyes and can tell the future.
- Okay, so now we're getting a special needs kid.
LaShaun, there's a lot of extra costs
when you get a disabled child,
because that's what actual special needs means.
We ain't ever gon' have to worry about money again!
- How is that possible?
- We gonna start a family band,
called LaShaun and the Sam-sations.
And ooh, how many times can you change a child's name?
Because I have this system and it's a little bit of
an out-there idea but I think if you really set up a system
where if you do something good, you get a better name.
So, if your name is Alistair one day, you do something good,
Your name could be Popeye.
- There's no way that he can win.
- No, no. - Uh-uh. No.
- So anyway, um,
what'd you think of the season finale of Game of Thrones?
(woman gasps)
- Right?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
Nope, I'm reading the books.
- Oh. Sorry, sorry, sorry. - Oh.
- In the middle of the first book.
- And he reads slow.
(All laugh together)
- We can never talk about it.
We're never gonna talk about it.
(sounds of approval)
Hey, has anybody seen that new Russell Crow thriller?
Because let me tell you it's-
- Ah! Ah.
Sorry, it's just, we're going tomorrow
and I don't wanna know a thing about it.
- She doesn't want to know a thing.
- Gotcha. Okay. Alright.
- Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Who won the game?
- I think it wa-
- Ng-ng-ng-ng. I'm, I'ma watch it later.
- Oh, you're-
- Oh, your DVR.
- I got it.
Mom's a word.
- So, what's the weather gonna be like this we-?
- AH! AH! AH! AH!
- Sorry. It's, we're having a barbecue this weekend
and I don't wanna stress about the weather and-
- No, of course you don't.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- This green-bean casserole is um-
(woman scats loudly)
- I, I'm so sorry, babe.
I just, I-I hadn't tasted 'em yet and I'm
- I'm sorry. - looking forward to, y'know.
- Right, don't talk about the ingredients.
I know.
- It's a surprise for your mouth.
- Yeah, I like that.
- Oh,
(he chuckles)
if you got,
you know that commercial where th-
If you didn-
okay. No, no.
(woman laughs)
- Just nevermind.
- It's probably best.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. No
- Cheesecake.
- What?
- Huh? Huh?
- We got cheesecake.
- I mean...
- Oh yeah.
No, I, yeah.
I'd love some cheesecake.
- Let's do that.
- Yeah. Yeah.
(everyone makes sounds of approval)
I mean, I've been watching my cholesterol intake
but what the hell?
Right? We're all gonna die someday anyway, right?
- What!
- Honey?!
- Wow.
- Are you kidding me?
You just ruin it every time.
I'll see you at home.
- Well, wait a second.
- How rude.
- Now how would you not know that that was taking place?
(heart monitor beeping)
- Don?
- Yes, I'm here.
- Promise you'll never forget about me.
- Yes.
Of course.
- Promise me you'll take care of our little girl.
Love her.
- Yes.
With all my heart.
- Promise me you'll stay strong for her.
- Yes.
Yes.
I promise.
- And promise me you'll never sleep with another woman.
- I hear you.
- Promise me you'll take care of Mr. McFluffy Tail.
- Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
That cat will be the most loved cat in the world.
- And that you won't look at porn.
- Mmm. Ah.
- Huh?
- (gibberish)
- Is that yes?
- (More gibberish)
Chiggity check.
- No pornography.
- Buster brown says, what?
- Is that a yes?
- Yo? Better believe I heard what you said, girl.
- You love me, right?
- Yes. I love you. Yes.
- And we're soulmates, right?
- Yes.
- So you will never, ever
ever think of someone else
while masturbating, right?
- (in a robotic voice) Message received.
- I don't understand.
Is that a yes?
- (in a high-pitched voice) Yo comprende.
- Is that a promise?
- (in a goofy voice) Your request has been filed.
- Say you promise.
- (in an Italian accent) Forget about. Huh? Huh?
- I need to hear you say it.
- It.
- I pro-
No, say I promise.
- You promise
- You.
You promise.
Say it.
- Okay, I promise.
- No air quotes.
♪ Promises are things that ♪
♪ Love is ha- ♪
- Say it.
- I promise.
I promise.
- What are you promising?
I promise what you said.
Oh, fine. Forget it.
- Yes.
I mean, okay.
- Will you, at least, promise to go see my mom every day?
- So zero pornography done.
I like that.
NURSE!
Fix my wife.
(crying)
Don't touch me right now.
It's not all about you.
(doorbell ringing)
(They all greet each other)
- Hi sweetie.
That's for you. Hi.
- Girl, I got a sunken tub.
You gotta see it.
- Oh, I got to see this.
- You two have a good time now.
- Have fun. Have fun.
Dude. I am sorry we're late, man.
- Man, it happens man.
- And she talk about how we're supposed
to be in the car at 6:45.
I'm like, all right.
- Uh-oh.
- Tell me, my dumbass ain't sitting
in the car waiting until 7:15.
- Nuh-uh.
- Okay, when I track my wife down 20 minutes later,
she's stepping out the damn shower,
talking about, "Can I help you?"
- See, that's crazy right there
- Craig. I looked this woman in the eye.
I said,
bitch,
you told me 6:45.
- You said that?
- Yeah. I said.
Bitch.
Then I laid it out.
- But you said bitch though.
- Hmm?
- You said bitch.
- Yeah.
- [Wife 1] You gotta see the fireplace downstairs
in the living room.
- [Wife 2] Ok
- Don't play games man.
Just tell me what you gon' tell me.
- Exactly. It's, it's like,
say what you mean, mean what you say.
- Is that so hard?
- It's like, last week, man, we going out to dinner.
Right. I'm like, where do you want to go?
She's like, you decide.
- Uh-oh.
- I'm like, all right, Outback Steakhouse.
She like, nah.
I'm like straight up Chili's.
She's like, eh.
- No, no.
- Daryl, I named seven more restaurants.
- No, Craig, no.
- I finally said, Taylor's the place I know
she wants to go in the first place.
She look at me, she said,
"if that's where you want to go."
- No, she didn't, Craig.
- If that's where I want to go. Darryl,
I looked my woman in the eye sockets.
I told her straight out.
I just said it, man.
I said it.
I said, I said, I said
I said bi-
- [Wives] Hey guys.
- Hey girl, how you doing? - Oh, hey, how you doin'
- You having a good time? - You having a good?
- Washing machine? - Looking at the wood.
- That washing machine is huge - Looking at the wood up on t-
- You can get a whole bunch of clothes,
- in that washing machine.
- [Wife 1] Hey baby, I'm gonna take her back up
to the kitchen and show her the dishwasher.
- [Wife 2] Hey Daryl.
- Yeah, baby.
- [Wife 2 ] I want a kitchen island,
just like the one upstairs.
- You gonna get it too.
- [Wife 2] I love you.
- I love you.
- I said, bitch,
if you wanted to go to Taylor's
just tell a brother you want to go,
- Go to Taylor's - Go to Taylor's
- Okay, you said that?
- Oh hell yeah, man. I laid it out.
Right? I, I said, I says, I says, I said,
Bitch,
I'm the man of the house.
- Yeah. You, you said bitch though?
- Hmm?
You called your wife a bitch.
- (unintelligible sounds)
- [Wives] Craig, Darryl? Where are those guys?
- [Wife 1] Girl, lemme show you this.
- So she's like, why don't you rent a movie,
We both like.
- No, she didn't.
- After I spent 25 minutes in the goddamn blockbuster,
Craig, I looked this woman in her optic stems.
And I says, I said
- I says, bitch
- You said that?
- Ain't nothing but a thing.
- But you said bitch though.
- Yep.
(phone ringing)
- Hey honey. Craig just giving me the neighborhood tour.
- So then she's like, I didn't know,
we'd be doing so much walking.
- Nuh-uh.
- I'm like, I didn't tell you to wear those shoes.
She said, don't raise your voice at me.
- What?
- Dead row, I looked this woman dead
in the windows of her soul.
I said, I said, I said,
- I said,
I said, bitch.