>> Stephen: GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND, EVERYBODY.
LOUIS CATO AND "THE LATE SHOW" BAND, EVERYBODY.
[APPLAUSE] OH, LOUIS.
>> Louis: OH, STEPHEN. >> Stephen: TONIGHT WE ARE
DELIGHTFUL PEOPLE. YOU KNOW DANNY TREJO.
CHARMING PROFESSIONAL ACTOR, TOUGH GUY, ALSO I DID NOT KNOW
THIS. HE'S A RESTAURATEUR.
HE'S GOT LIKE NINE RESTAURANTS IN L.A.
THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FANTASTIC AND HE'S GOT A
COOKBOOK OUT HERE, ME AND DANNY TREJO ARE GOING TO BE COOKING A
JUST A LITTLE WHILE, RIGHT OVER THERE.
THIS IS MY KIND OF FOOD. STUFF IS GOING TO BE WRAPPED IN
BACON. AND IN JUST A MOMENT, ONE OF MY
FAVORITE ACTRESSES, INCREDIBLY TALENTED AND A DELIGHTFUL
PRESENCE, OSCAR-WINNER RACHEL WEISZ WILL BE OUT HERE JUST A
LITTLE WHILE. HOW DELIGHTFUL.
HOW DELIGHTFUL. FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME
IN THE NEWS KITCHEN, SLOWLY MELTING THE FINEST, MOST
TOPICAL BORDIER BUTTER TO SAUTEE STORY POTATOES AND SOME LEEKS
GROWN IN SOIL WITH A PH OF 6.5, BEFORE ADDING MARJORAM AND
THYME AND FINISHING WITH DANZEISEN CREAM
TO OFFER YOU THE DELICATE YET FULL-BODIED VICHYSSOISE
THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, I AM PECKED AWAKE
BY A SEAGULL IN THE COMMISSARY OF AN ABANDONED OIL RIG
WHERE I CHUCK HALF A DISCARDED CORN DOG, AN APPLE CORE,
AND 19 STALE FRITOS INTO A SLOP SINK OF EXPIRED
YOOHOO TO SERVE UP THE SEASQUATTER'S WINO GOULASH OF
NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT. >> MEANWHILE!
SOMETIMES THAT'S ALL YOU NEED, BABY.
COMFORT FOOD. MEANWHILE, A NEW RAPID TEST
COULD TELL YOU IF THERE'S SALMONELLA IN YOUR
CHICKEN. WE'VE ALREADY GOT A TEST
FOR WHETHER THERE'S SALMONELLA IN YOUR CHICKEN,
AND LET ME TELL YOU, THE RESULTS COME OUT PRETTY RAPIDLY.
STRAP IN. MEANWHILE, IN ORDER TO SCAN
THE CONTENTS WITHOUT DISTURBING THEM, RESEARCHERS BLASTED
ANCIENT EGYPTIAN LIZARD COFFINS WITH NEUTRONS.
HEY, SCIENTISTS, DO YOU WANT LIZARD ZOMBIES?
'CAUSE THIS IS HOW YOU GET LIZARD ZOMBIES.
MEANWHILE, NETFLIX, HOME OF PRESTIGE TV LIKE
"LOVE IS BLIND," "TOO HOT TO HANDLE,"
AND "HIMBO BEACH." WE MADE THAT LAST ONE UP.
BUT DON'T YA KINDA WANNA WATCH IT?
THIS WEEK WE LEARNED THAT NETFLIX IS ENDING ITS DVD
MAILING SERVICE AFTER 25 YEARS.
YEAH. REACHED FOR COMMENT,
BLOCKBUSTER SAID "VENGEANCE IS OURS."
OOH. A DISH SERVED COLD.
FOR ALL YOU YOUNG PEOPLE WATCHING, DVDs ARE LIKE LITTLE
METAL FRISBEES THAT PLAY LONG TIKTOKS, AND MAIL IS LIKE
EMAIL THAT YOU LICK BEFORE YOU SEND.
OH, AND EMAIL IS LIKE A LONG TEXT YOUR MOM SENDS TO MAKE SURE
YOU SAW THAT ARTICLE ABOUT HOW CRIME IS UP IN YOUR
NEIGHBORHOOD. MEANWHILE, IN OREGON, A MAN
THREW $200,000 IN CASH OUT OF A CAR WINDOW ONTO THE
INTERSTATE. BUDDY.
JUST GET AN EZ PASS. MEANWHILE, IN BASEBALL NEWS,
THERE HAVE BEEN SOME UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCES OF THE NEW
PITCH CLOCK, NAMELY, MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL PLAYERS
ARE FINDING THAT THERE'S LESS TIME FOR SMALL TALK.
AS ONE PLAYER EXPLAINED, "HOME PLATE USED TO BE A PLACE
TO TOUCH BASE WITH CATCHERS AND UMPIRES, AND ASK THEM,
HOW'S THE FAMILY? WHAT'S UP?
THAT SORT OF THING. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE RIVALS!
THAT'S GOTTA BE THE WORST TRASH TALK EVER!
"WE'RE GONNA DESTROY YOU! ALSO, YOUR CARROT CAKE
AT YOUR DAUGHTER'S FIRST COMMUNION WAS DELICIOUS!
CARDAMOM? I WOULD NEVER HAVE
THOUGHT OF CARDAMOM! GET YOUR WEAK-ASS PLAY
OUTTA MY HOUSE! BUT PLEASE BRING THAT
CAKE TO MY HOUSE. BRENDA WOULD LOVE TO SEE YOU.
I'M SO SORRY ABOUT SHANNON. SHE WAS A WONDERFUL WOMAN."
YEAH, I AGREE. MEANWHILE, UP IN CANADA,
A BLACK BEAR BROKE INTO A VEHICLE AND GUZZLED
69 CANS OF POP. THAT'S INSANE.
THEY CALL IT "POP"? IT'S SODA.
IT'S NOT POP. WHAT IS THIS, ARCHIE COMICS?
THE WOMAN SAYS SHE DID EVERYTHING SHE COULD
TO SCARE THE BEAR AWAY, INCLUDING -- AND THIS
IS A QUOTE-- "REASONING WITH HIM," AND WHEN
THAT DIDN'T WORK, SHE SAYS, "I TRIED PSYCHING HIM OUT
BY TELLING HIM I WAS A BEAR HUNTER."
REASONING? "TELLING HIM"?
WHAT WAS THIS CONVERSATION? "HEY, LET'S BE REASONABLE HERE,
SMOKEY. I'M A BEAR HUNTER."
"YEAH? WHAT'S YOUR HUNTING LICENSE
NUMBER?" "2961."
"AH-HA! HUNTING LICENSES HAVE NINE
DIGITS! YOU'RE NO HUNTER!"
"YOU GOT ME!" "NO, I DIDN'T.
THIS IS A HALLUCINATION YOU'RE HAVING WHILE BLEEDING OUT
'CAUSE YOU TRIED TO REASON WITH A BEAR.
WANT SOME ORANGE POP?" WANT SOME POP?"
MEANWHILE, IN SCOTLAND, AN ULTRA-MARATHONER HAS BEEN
DISQUALIFIED FROM A RACE FOR USING A CAR DURING PART OF
THE ROUTE. I DON'T USUALLY SAY THIS, BUT
I THINK I COULD BE AN ULTRA-MARATHONER.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH RACHEL WEISZ.