Translator: Julie Walker Reviewer: Helena Bedalli
Three years ago,
after finishing graduate school at Berkeley,
(Laughter)
in Champagne-Ardenne,
(Laughter)
I decided to use my certificate in baking and political science,
on a world tour sponsored by a think tank,
(Laughter)
to share the benefits of team building and community management
with Eritrean children suffering from malnutrition.
(Laughter)
No one survived,
(Laughter)
but I learned a lot about myself.
(Laughter)
(Applause)
Before telling you about this professional,
but above all, human, experience,
I would like to thank the entire TEDx team.
It's not everyday that I'm given the opportunity to speak
to so many people on a subject I know nothing about.
(Laughter)
We can't all be Bernard-Henri Lévy.
Thank you, as well, for the surprise bread that was served backstage.
This is an important point, because it seems to me
that young people in our society are like surprise bread at a cocktail party.
(Laughter)
Two times out of three, you end up with crap.
(Laughter) (Applause)
This evening, of course, you've met some successful young people,
because it's nicer that way.
(Laughter)
If the first speaker had been a prostitute who'd explained
how she'd optimized the recipe for the crack she sells to vagrants
to pay for the expired fish sticks she feeds her 5 Down's kids,
(Laughter)
the ambiance, of course, would've soon become
that of a Berlin Bar Mitsvah in 1940.
(Laughter) (Applause)
The question that's brought us all here this evening,
one we'll all try to answer,
is simple.
(Laughter)
Why is this man cut in two?
Does using a selfie stick really warrant such a radical punishment?
(Laughter)
Should we take a jig saw to every Chinese tourist? (Laughter)
Yes, of course.
As for our other question: is the new generation asleep?
Is the new generation asleep?
(Laughter)
Is the new generation asleep?
Not easy to make that flow.
Written down, the crappy word play could be funny, (Laughter)
but we must think of the guy who toiled to prepare the stage,
same for those who did the surprise bread and decorations. You're the best.
And the communication people...
In short,
the real question is, "Are young people sleeping?"
If we consider Vincent Lambert,
we might say "yes", unfortunately,
(Laughter)
and if we think about Kev Adams, we might say, "no,"
(Laughter)
unfortunately.
(Laughter) (Applause)
It's a good question.
(Applause)
Are young people asleep? Honestly, I don't know,
but, looking at this evening's speakers,
one thing is certain. Young people are white and can afford to pay for college.
(Laughter) (Applause)
It's not their fault.
I said to the organizers, "Don't choose me.
Add a bit of color. What about Thomas Ngijol, Fabrice Éboué?"
They said, "No, we don't want any famous people at TED conferences."
(Laughter)
Young people are important. We have to protect and cherish them,
if only because the youth of today
are our sexual partners of tomorrow,
(Laughter)
and Frédéric Mitterrand's partners of yesterday.
(Laughter)
In preparing for my talk,
Michel Levy asked me the same question that he asked all the speakers.
He said, "If you had only 10 minutes to live,
what would you like to impart to humanity?"
(Laughter)
I said, "Why are you asking me that?
Why 10 minutes?
What are you up to?
Are you bumping us off at the end of our talks?"
Is that the secret ingredient
in the surprise bread, last month's speakers? (Laughter)
I thought about this afterwards and briefly considered the question.
If I had only 10 minutes to live,
what would I like to convey to humanity?
My sperm, of course. (Laughter)
If I only had 10 minutes to live,
I wouldn't come here to talk to you,
I'd come for you, you, you, and you. (Laughter)
If you managed to escape while I was with her,
who cares? I'm going to end up in the surprise bread anyway. (Laughter)
Plus, I should confess that before this evening,
I didn't know much about conferences.
I thought TEDx was some porn site.
(Laughter)
In fact, the only place where you could see a threesome
between a disabled contrabassist,
a recovering alcoholic, and a dwarf with pangeria.
(Laughter)
Exceptionally,
there were very few disabled speakers this evening,
far fewer disabled people than usual.
But, that happens when you organize a TED conference during the Paralympics.
(Laughter)
People just aren't available.
(Applause)
But, you've managed to find a solution.
"Oh no, there are no more disabled people.
No worries. We'll get a right-wing philosopher. It's the same thing."
Not really. I only said that because, of course, I'm jealous.
This place is really something.
All these smart, cultivated people, working on projects,
striving for success.
Terrorists are stupid.
If they wanted to destroy western society,
they shouldn't go after drunk metal fans.
They should come here to wreak havoc.
If all of you disappeared, Europe would return to the Middle Ages.
(Laughter)
No more internet, buildings in ruins, no more transportation,
confused people, unable to express themselves correctly.
An attack here, and Europe, in 5 years, would be Dunkirk.
(Laughter)
And, so we return, of course, to our inquiry.
Is the new generation sleeping?
Sleeping! (Laughter)
Not any more.
(Laughter) (Applause)
Now that someone has responded wisely to the problem, (Laughter)
we can all go home. (Laughter)
If they'd let me speak first, we'd have saved an hour and a half,
you could have gone home
and watched the last part of Stranger Things,
in which the young heroine dies fighting the monster.
(Laughter)
Good. I've just saved you 50 minutes, (Laughter)
the end was....
Before I finish, I would, of course, like to thank all of you for coming.
Thank you, of course, to our partners in the first row,
HSBC, BNP Paribas,
and thanks as well to the poor people at the back. (Laughter)
The poor people who are poor, in large part,
thanks to the people seated up front. (Laughter)
Pretty ironic.
(Applause)
But, it's an interesting glimpse at fate,
because this evening, you are sitting behind them,
while during the rest of the year, they are behind you.
(Applause)
In conclusion, I would say that if young people are asleep,
perhaps it's not such a bad idea.
It's always nicer to die in one's sleep. (Laughter)
My young friends, don't be afraid of the future.
You don't have one. (Laughter)
Thank you.
(Applause)