People say that all the time.
"I'm just saying.
"I'm just saying."
It's an annoying thing.
"I'm just saying."
Yeah, there's just the two of us,
and I didn't say it.
(audience laughing)
And as "you know what I'm saying,
"you know what I'm saying?"
Have I stopped you at any point
along this conversation,
and said to you, I really
am confused about
what it is you're saying?
Could you please reword it
some other way so maybe I get
the gist?
(audience laughing)
Then there's the one--
"it goes without saying."
You ever hear people say that?
That's annoying because the people
that say that, those kind of people,
they're not going without saying.
(audience laughing)
They're going to say.
(audience laughing)
My only hope is that I get away.
I go before they say anything.
(audience laughing)
My mechanic has a great expression--
"more than fair."
If I argue about a bill with him,
he'll say, "we charge you a price
"we think is more than fair."
What does that mean?
He figured out what was fair,
and then charged me more.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
"Yeah, we figured out $75 was fair.
"We charged you 150.
"We're being twice as fair,
"I'm just saying."
(audience laughing)
Things are a lot different.
I'm getting old.
One thing I learned--
Here's something I learned
about getting old that I've realized
recently.
And if you're my age out there,
you'll back me up on this.
Even as you get older, in your head,
you're not old.
In your head, you don't get old.
In your head, you're still like 20,
25 years old.
It's kind of amazing.
But there are things,
during the day, that remind you
that you're old.
Things like standing up and then
having to sit down because you stood
up too fast.
And all the blood rushes
to your head, and you go, oh,
am I going to die?
No, OK.
That's the most exciting part
of my day.
(audience laughing)
You know what else
makes me feel old?
Like a 30-year-old calling me sir.
(audience laughing)
Excuse me, sir.
"Hey, drop dead, kid."
(audience laughing)
Filling out a form online
makes you feel old because you put
your name and your address
and your phone number,
then you get to your birthday,
put the day and the month,
and you gotta scroll.
(audience laughing)
An hour and a half later, I'm taking
a nap in between.
(audience laughing)
Also, mirrors are the worst.
Mirrors are the virtual reminder
that you're old.
Because you're walking around,
in your head, you're 20 years old.
All of a sudden, you see yourself
in the mirror, you go,
"oh, excuse me, sir."
(audience laughing)
Things make me feel--
Somethings confuse me.
Like I saw an add--
Not an ad but a headline
about the census.
Said that 42% of Americans
didn't fill out the census.
Now how do they know that?
(audience laughing)
You know what else confuses me?
You know that contractions
with two words and it's shortened.
How come the contractions for do not
is don't, cannot is can't, but will
not is won't.
Shouldn't it be willn't?
I mean it sounds weird when you say
willn't, but if that's what it
always was, it wouldn't sound weird.
You'd be saying it every day.
You're at a protest.
"Heck no.
"We willn't go."
(audience laughing)
You're talking to your kids,
they're acting--
"I willn't put up with this behavior."
(audience laughing)
You're hosting a party,
you want to get people to eat.
"Hey, willn't you try
"the hors d'oeuvres?"
I think I willn't.
"Why willn't you?"
I can't say.
"Can't or willn't?"
(audience laughing)
There's another thing that gets me.
You ever try something new
when you eat?
You try something
exotic or different,
and when somebody asks you what it
tastes like, what does it always
taste like?
Chicken.
Always tastes like chicken.
Everything tastes like chicken.
Here's my question.
How come eggs don't taste
like chicken?
(audience laughing)
I don't know either.
Read something interesting
the other day.
You know praying mantises do
after they mate?
No, they don't kill each other.
Then there'll be no mantises,
but you're close.
After they mate, praying mantises,
the female bites the head
off the male.
This guy shows up for work
on Monday, everybody knows how
his weekend went.
(audience laughing)
There are no secrets
in the mantis world.
(audience laughing)
There are no affairs either,
I suppose.
(audience laughing)
You come home with no head,
you try to explain to your wife
where you been.
(audience laughing)
Let me know how that works out.
(audience laughing)
I saw a commercial the other day for--
a mattress company was doing
a commercial on TV, and their slogan
was, "we take sleep
"to the next level."
We take sleep to the next level.
What is the next level of sleep?
Death, right?
(audience laughing)
I don't think I want that mattress.
(audience laughing)
Do you have a mattress where I wake
up refreshed and feeling alive?
That, I could get into.
(audience laughing)
Everything's changed too.
The news-- You watch cable news?
There's too much going on
on cable news.
You know what I mean?
When I was a kid, there was just one
guy talking to you on the screen,
telling you the news.
And it was always a guy
because until like '76, they didn't
realize women could read too.
(audience laughing)
A lightened world we lived in.
But there's just too much going on
on the screen, you know what I mean?
There's like the person there that's
the anchor, and then there's
that grid of people in squares.
It looks like The Brady Bunch is
there to answer political questions.
And then there's the crawl
on the bottom.
The crawl-- I hate the crawl.
The crawl-- because I can't not look
at it.
You know what I mean?
I'm trying to pay attention
to the person talking.
Yeah, I'm listening.
OK, yeah, good.
I'm listening.
I got you.
No, I'm paying attention.
But 5 minutes in, I'm looking
at the crawl.
And that gets me mad because I'm
paying like 150 bucks
a month for cable, and now I'm
reading the TV.
(audience laughing)
And I can't concentrate on what I'm
reading because this guy
keeps talking.
(audience laughing)
So like, hey, shut up,
I'm trying to read the news.
(audience laughing)
You know what they didn't have when
we were young too-- when I was
young--
they didn't have the live satellite
feed.
You know that thing where guy
in America
can talk to somebody 5,000 miles
away, and instantly,
they're connected.
But it's not always so instant.
Do you ever notice that there's
always some kind of a gap of time
between when the guy asks
the question and the other guy
hears the question?
Sometimes it's a pretty big gap too.
Sometimes you could go out
for lunch.
But the guy in America
goes, well, Jim, it must be
harrowing there on the eve of such
a big battle.
And then Jim's over there,
(audience laughing)
"Yes Bill."
(audience laughing)
Was it worth it?
(audience laughing)
You ever watch like regular TV,
like network TV during prime time,
and they go to a commercial.
Before they go back to the show,
like the late-night news
does some little blurb for what's
coming up at 11:00.
You know what I mean?
It's always some horrible thing.
They go, "danger is lurking
"in your neighborhood.
"More at 11:00."
(audience laughing)
And I'm like, more at 11:00,
how about everything now?
It's only 9:00.
That's two hours of lurking danger.
(audience laughing)
And I don't know if you noticed,
but I live in my neighborhood.
(audience laughing)
What if Paul Revere did that?
What if Paul Revere rode down
the city of Boston, going,
"somebody's coming,
"somebody's coming.
"More at 11:00."
(audience laughing)
I'll tell you what would happen.
We'd be speaking
with a British accent today.
(audience laughing)
I just had my birthday.
I don't like birthdays anymore.
It's diminishing returns
on the birthday thing.
You know what I mean?
Especially gift-wise.
I haven't gotten a good birthday
present since I was like 50.
(audience laughing)
I got a theory about that.
My theory is that people think you
have everything you need by the time
you're 50,
so they don't care what they get you
after that.
They'll walk into the store,
the first thing they see,
well, let's get that
and get the heck out of here.
"But honey, that's a ceramic monkey."
Well, does he have one?
(audience laughing)
He does now.
(audience laughing)
You know what somebody gave me
last year for my birthday?
They gave me the button-fly jeans.
Those jeans that got the five
buttons instead of one zipper.
Yeah, I had to give up liquids
because of these pants.
(audience laughing)
So one thing
I don't need after a couple
of beers,
and that's a dexterity test.
(audience laughing)
Nobody can get in there.
David Copperfield cannot get
in those pants after a couple
of shots.
(audience laughing)
And I'm talking about David
Copperfield, the magician,
not the Dickens character.
(audience laughing)
I think these jokes are much
funnier if you know who
I'm talking about.
(audience laughing)
If you own a pair
of button-fly jeans,
here's a tip for you.
Wear diapers.
(audience laughing)
So that way you could be standing
at a bar with somebody, you go,
"you know I'm peeing right now.
(audience laughing)
"And I am."
(audience laughing)