"'Argh! Lousy ceiling'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘I’m going to make you as happy as a baby psycloon a straight diet of debango’
We’re reviewing Battlefield Earth.
‘Obviously this is going to take a while.'
Founded solidly in L. Ron Hubbard’s scientology.
‘We have seen gods’
But we don’t review ‘religions’,
so we’re putting the scientological stuff aside and concentrating on what it’s like as a film
'Pathetic'
Here’s the thing,
all genre movies require suspension of disbelief.
‘That is our fate’
Audiences will overlook super powers or spaceships as long as they believe in the basic set-up.
‘Piece of cake’
1000 years ago a race of advanced aliens called psyclos conquered earth,
to mine the planet for gold, and wildly overact.
'While you were still learning to spell you're name,
‘I was being trained to conquer galaxies’
In that thousand years, not one psyclo has learnt English.
'Well, I'll be damned'
Or presumably any other language, this is one of those films where conquering earth
and conquering America are synonymous
‘This great village was the capital for all of our tribes’
Already my disbelief suspension is stretched.
‘Watch your tongue’
Now one Psyclo played by John Travolta.
‘I’ve wasted my time haven’t I’
Decides humans can be used for mining and so teaches our hero Johnnie,
, not just how to mine, but everything the Psyclos know (49.05) Things
'You... understand me!'
Things like...
‘Euclidean geometry’
So Euclid was a 8 foot alien with dreadlocks.
That’s the sort of thing history usually mentions
‘Don’t you know anything’
Why does Travolta teach Johnnie everything he needs to know to eliminate the Psyclos?
‘There’s no way of knowing that sir’
Well, firstly, he’s obviously a moron,
immediately accepting this as freshly mined gold.
‘Why is it in bars?
Secondly, if he doesn’t, the story kinda stops if he doesn't.
‘There must be some mistake’
Obviously Travolta keeps an eye on Johnnie.
‘I’ll be watching you’
And yet fails to notice him take a Psyclo ship on a day trip to Washington with his mates.
'I do what I can.'
And the suspension of disbelief doesn’t stop there.
The learning machine teaches Johnnie enough that he can break into the Psyclo armoury.
But not enough that he knows guns need to be loaded.
Psyclos can’t speak English and yet their learning machine teaches Johnny to read.
How have these books survived 1000 years?
'Show me'
And how has no Psyclo has noticed that there’s a great pile of gold in Fort Knox.
‘Let’s hope their eye in the sky didn’t see gold through the lead walls of this cave’
For 1000 years?!
Laughs 'Oh you're too much!'
I don’t think the people who wrote this get how long 1000 years is.
‘Are you not aware that I graduated top of my class.’
Worst of all...
All your soldiers, and all their advanced technology,
could only put up a measly 9 minute before they were exterminated.’
9 minutes?
Against these guys?
They can’t even shoot straight.
Although the constant dutch angles may be throwing them off.
Speaking of which.
More importantly, while the trained militaries of the entire earth couldn’t last 9 minutes
a rag-tag group of savages who learnt to fly planes earlier that week.
‘It’s a learning machine.
Teach us to fly.’
Manage to destroy, not just the Psyclo’s earth base.
But their entire planet
‘I think there’s a little more to it than that’
If you watch a lot of B movies your suspension of disbelief becomes like a bungee cord,
it stretches a long way.
'And i might suddenly grow a third arm.'
But not this far.
‘I would be the laughing stock of the universe’
That said, the biggest problem isn’t what the movie asks me to believe,
it’s that it asks me to care about this numb nuts.
There is a greater chance of me converting to Scientology
than there is of me giving a shit about him.
'Your powers of observation are simply startling.'
From the over acting, dutch angles and plot, what is the worst thing about this movie?
Let us know in the comments below, check out our other reviews
And forget to subscribe for new videos every Tuesday.
'Do you want lunch!?'