>>> IT'S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH COLIN JOST, AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> WHAT'S UP, EVERYBODY?
>> WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE. I'M COLLIN JOST.
>> I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> AN APPEALS COURT UNANIMOUSLY
UPHELD THE SUSPENSION OF PRESIDENT TRUMP'S TRAVEL BAN.
BUT I MEAN, WHO ARE THEY TO JUDGE?
OH, FEDERAL JUDGES? OKAY.
[ LAUGHTER ] MINUTES AFTER THE RULING,
PRESIDENT TRUMP TWEETED IN ALL CAPS, "SEE YOU IN COURT."
HONEY, YOU, YOU CAN'T THREATEN FEDERAL JUDGES WITH MORE COURT.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND, YOU JUST LOST IN COURT.
TRUMP'S THE GUY WHO GETS HIS ASS KICKED IN AN ALLEY AND THEN
YELLS OUT, "LET'S TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!"
[ LAUGHTER ] BUT THEN FRIDAY, PRESIDENT TRUMP
SAID HE MAY JUST FILE A BRAND NEW IMMIGRATION ORDER INSTEAD OF
APPEALING TO THE SUPREME COURT. OF COURSE, BECAUSE NOBODY
ACTUALLY FOLLOWS THROUGH WITH AN ALL CAPS TWEET.
I ONCE TWEETED IN ALL CAPS, "I AM NEVER DRINKING AGAIN."
[ LAUGHTER ] THREE DAYS LATER MY ACCOUNT WAS
DISABLED BY NBC FOR DRUNK TWEETING AT MEREDITH VIEIRA.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> PRESIDENT TRUMP FALSELY
CLAIMED IN A SPEECH THAT THE MEDIA HAS PURPOSELY FAILED TO
COVER TERRORIST ATTACKS. 'CAUSE WHEN HE WAS FLIPPING
THROUGH THE CHANNELS THE OTHER NIGHT, ONLY TBS WAS BRAVE ENOUGH
TO AIR THE STORY OF THE AMERICAN SCIENTIST GUNNED DOWN BY
LIBYANS. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> A NEW LIST OF TERRORIST ATTACKS RELEASED BY THE WHITE
HOUSE THIS WEEK WAS ALSO RIDDLED WITH SPELLING ERRORS.
OR THERE HAS BEEN A HUGE INCREASE IN RADICAL ICELANDIC
TERRORISM. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> WHILE SIGNING THE NEW EXECUTIVE ORDERS ON CRIME,
PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID, "A NEW ERA OF JUSTICE BEGINS AND IT BEGINS
RIGHT NOW." THEN HE SPENT 20 MINUTES
STRUGGLING TO GET INTO A BATMAN COSTUME.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> ON THURSDAY THE WHITE HOUSE
QUOTE, "COUNSELED," KELLYANNE CONWAY AFTER SHE
VIOLATE A FEDERAL ETHICS RULE BY PROMOTING IVANKA TRUMP'S
CLOTHING LINE ON FOX NEWS. COUNSELED?
HER JOB TITLE IS LITERALLY, "COUNSELOR TO PRESIDENT."
TRUMP'S WHITE HOUSE IS SO DYSFUNCTIONAL, THAT HIS
COUNSELOR NEEDS A COUNSELOR. THAT'S LIKE YOUR UBER DRIVER
ASKING YOU TO GET OUT AND PUSH. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> THE SENATE VOTED ON WEDNESDAY TO CONFIRM
JEFF BEAUREGARD SESSIONS AS OUR NEW CONFEDERATE GENERAL --
SORRY, ATTORNEY GENERAL. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
SESSIONS WAS REJECTED FOR A POSITION AS FEDERAL JUDGE IN
1986 OVER CONCERNS OF RACISM. BUT DON'T WORRY, IF THERE'S ONE
THING THAT MAKES RACISTS BETTER IT'S AGE.
[ LAUGHTER ] MY GRANDPA KEEPS GETTING MORE
AND MORE TOLERANT. [ LAUGHTER ]
NOW HE SAYS, "MY AFRICAN-AMERICAN NURSE IS
STEALING FROM ME." [ LAUGHTER ]
>> KEEP TELLING YOUR GRANDPA I'M NOT HIS NURSE.
>> NEWLY CONFIRMED, BETSEY DEVOS, I CALL HER BEV BIL DEVOS.
>> BETSY DEVOS WAS BLOCKED FROM ENTERING A SCHOOL BY PROTESTERS.
A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE PANICKED ABOUT THE NEW SECRETARY OF
EDUCATION. MY SISTER HAS A KID IN PUBLIC
SCHOOL, AND EVEN SHE IS WORRIED. THE PACE OF THE PRESIDENCY IS
EXHAUSTING. I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SAY
THIS, BUT I AM STARTING TO FEEL BAD FOR DONALD TRUMP.
IN JUST THE SPAN OF ONE DAY, HE WAS IN A LOSING BATTLE WITH
THREE FEDERAL JUDGES, A DECORATED WAR HERO, AND, A
DEPARTMENT STORE. DUDE, PACE YOURSELF.
DONALD TRUMP CAN'T KEEP THIS UP. NOT WITH THAT OLD BLOODED
KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN BODY. EVERY TIME HE CHECKS THE
INTERNET HE HAS TO SEE PICTURES OF THE OBAMA IN THE CARIBBEAN
GETTING HIS GROOVE BACK. OBAMA IS --
OBAMA IS ALL GETTING HENNA TATTOOS.
MEANWHILE TRUMP IS FORCE SMILING THROUGH A 30 SECOND HANDSHAKE
WITH THE PRIME MINISTER OF JAPAN, LIKE "WHAT AM I DOING
HERE?" I HOPE HE QUITS.
DONALD, IS THIS REALLY HOW YOU WANT TO SPEND THE LAST TWO YEARS
OF YOUR LIFE. >>> SENATOR WARREN WAS ASKED TO
STAND DOWN WHEN READING A LETTER FROM CORETTA SCOTT KING.
HERE IS ELIZABETH WARREN. >> THANK YOU SO MUCH.
UM, YES, GOOD MORNING, TO YOU BOTH AND THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE FUN, BUT IT IS NECESSARY.
SO LET'S START RIGHT IN. [ LAUGHTER ]
SENATOR, HOW DID YOU FEEL ABOUT BEING TOLD TO SIT DOWN BY
MITCH McCONNELL? >> WELL, HE TRIED TO SHUT ME UP.
BUT NEVERTHELESS, I PERSISTED. IN MAKING TWITTER MY B.
I WILL NEVER STOP ROOTING OUT CORRUPTION.
WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE FIRST QUESTION, ANCHOR JOST, WE WILL
BEGIN WITH A YES/NO QUESTION. NOW, IT SAYS HERE YOU AND
MICHAEL CHE ARE CREDITED AS FULL CAST MEMBERS ON THE SHOW?
IS THAT CORRECT? >> ARE YOU QUESTIONING ME?
[ LAUGHTER ] >> YES, I AM.
AND YET YOU ONLY PERFORM IN A TEN MINUTE SEGMENT, ENTITLED,
SORRY I HAVE IT HERE, CALLED "WEEKEND UPDATE."
IS THAT YES? [ LAUGHTER ]
>> THAT'S CORRECT. YES.
>> AND YET YOU COLLECT THE SAME PAYCHECK OF A CAST MEMBER WHO
APPEARS THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE SHOW.
THAT'S INTERESTING. IS IT NOT ALSO TRUE THAT YOU ARE
CURRENTLY A BOARD MEMBER FOR GOLDMAN SACHS?
>> THAT ITS NOT TRUE. NO.
WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP ASKING ME THAT?
>> I THINK IT IS THE HAIR. >> IT FEELS LIKE YOU ARE
WORKING, ON THE JOB, AREN'T THERE OTHER DEMOCRATS?
>> IT'S ME, BERNIE AND SCHUMER. THAT'S AMY SCHUMER.
BRINGS ME TO THE NEXT ORDER OF BUSINESS.
ANCHOR JOST, IS IT NOT TRUE THAT AS A TELEVISION PERSONALITY YOU
RECEIVED FREEBIES AND SWAG BAGS FROM SUCH COMPANIES AS POPCHIPS,
CHAPSTICK, AND JAMBA JUICE? >> OKAY.
OCCASIONALLY, YEAH, WE GET FREE STUFF.
WE DON'T LET IT AFFECT WHAT WE DO.
RIGHT, CHE? >> NOPE.
>> LET THE RECORD SHOW THAT CHE IS GUZZLING A RAZZMATAZZ
SMOOTHIE. >> YOU DO NOT STOP?
>> NO, MY FIT BIT SAYS CHECK ENGINE.
>> HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS WAY?
>> YES, IN MIDDLE SCHOOL, I WAS THE GIRL WHO WOULD DO THIS?
EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME, HE IS WRITING ON THE DESK.
>> YOU WERE NOT ABLE TO PREVENT TRUMP'S NOMINEES.
THEY WERE ALL CONFIRMED. >> GLAD THAT YOU BROUGHT UP
PRESIDENT TRUMP. CONCERNING THE TIME THAT DONALD
TRUMP HOSTED THIS -- >> WE'RE OUT OF TIME.
>> AM I BEING SILENCED. MR. CHAIRMAN, I WILL BE ASKING
FOR THE QUORUM. >> THERE IS NO QUORUM HERE.
>> ELIZABETH WARREN, EVERYONE.