MEANWHILE, THE ENTIRE INTERNET IS THIRSTY FOR ACTOR KUMAIL
NANJIANI WHO, AFTER BEING CAST AS A MARVEL CHARACTER,
TRANSFORMED HIS BODY INTO THIS TOWERING CHUNK OF BEEFSTEAK.
DAYUM!
HE'S PUTTING THE "MALE" IN KUMAIL.
( LAUGHTER )
PHOTOS OF OURSELVES LOOKING ALL BUFF, WHICH CAN BE VERY
DEMORALIZING TO YOU NORMALS OUT THERE.
BUT KUMAIL HAD THE DECENCY TO ADD, "I WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN ABLE
TO DO THIS IF I DIDN'T HAVE A FULL YEAR WITH THE BEST TRAINERS
AND NUTRITIONISTS PAID FOR BY THE BIGGEST STUDIO IN THE WORLD.
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN IMPOSSIBLE WITHOUT THESE RESOURCES."
THAT IS REFRESHING HONESTY. AND I, TOO, RIGHT NOW, WANT ALL MY
FANS TO KNOW THAT ACHIEVING THIS LOOK WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN
POSSIBLE WITHOUT "MY" TWO BIGGEST RESOURCES: IRISH SKIN
AND THE MARCH OF TIME.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, THE CITY OF "TOPEKA WILL PAY YOU UP TO
$15,000 JUST TO MOVE THERE."
THE PROGRAM,"CHOOSE TOPEKA," WAS CREATED WITH THE INTENTION OF
INVESTING IN EMPLOYEES TO LIVE AND WORK IN TOPEKA AND SHAWNEE
COUNTY SO THAT WE MAY FOSTER AN "INTENTIONAL" COMMUNITY."
THAT'S IMPORTANT, AN "INTENTIONAL" COMMUNITY.
BECAUSE RIGHT NOW TOPEKA'S CURRENT RESIDENTS ARE ALL
DRIVERS WHO RAN OUT OF GAS ON THEIR WAY ANYWHERE ELSE.
GOD LOVE YOU, TOPEKA.
MEANWHILE, "THE FIRST CELEBRITY VOICE TO COME TO AMAZON'S ALEXA
IS NOW AVAILABLE."
"OWNERS CAN NOW ADD ACTOR SAMUEL L. JACKSON'S VOICE TO
THEIR DEVICES."
GREAT!
( CLEARS THROAT ) LET'S TRY IT OUT.
ALEXA, WHAT'S THE WEATHER?
>> SAY WHAT AGAIN!
SAY WHAT AGAIN!
I DARE YOU.
I DOUBLE DARE YOU, (BLEEP).
SAY WHAT ONE MORE (BLEEP) TIME!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
UMBRELLA, I GUESS.
MEANWHILE, A "LORD OF THE RINGS" TELEVISION SERIES IS CURRENTLY
IN PRODUCTION ON AMAZON, WHICH MEANS IF YOU'RE IN NEW ZEALAND
AND YOU'VE "GOT A FACE LIKE A LEATHER HANDBAG?
MISSING TEETH?
YOU COULD BE AN EXTRA ON 'LORD OF THE RINGS''"
I WAS JUST DOWN THERE FOR A WEEK!
WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK?
FACE LIKE A LEATHER HANDBAG?
CHECK.
MISSING TEETH?
NO, BUT I DO HAVE A WILLING HEART AND A PAIR OF PLIERS.
( LAUGHTER )
PRODUCTION NEEDS SO MANY EXTRAS SO FAST, CASTING
AGENTS IN NEW ZEALAND ARE ASKING FOR "HAIRY, HAIRY PEOPLE OF ALL
AGES AND ETHNICITIES, INDIVIDUALS WITH MANY FRECKLES,
REDHEADS, AND PEOPLE WITH LOTS OF WRINKLES," AND ASKING,
"HAVE YOU BEEN OUT IN THAT SUNSHINE?
IS YOUR FACE A LITTLE UGH?"
OKAY, DON'T SUGAR COAT IT.
I'M SURE IT WON'T BE AWKWARD ON SET WHEN YOU ACTUALLY MEET
THESE HUMAN BEINGS.
"CONGRATULATIONS, EVERYBODY!
YOUR FACE LOOKS LIKE A CAT COUGHED UP A BOILED POTATO.
YOU, YOU, STAND OVER THERE!
YOUR FACE IS JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF UGH."
MEANWHILE, "SCIENTISTS HAVE DISCOVERED THE DEEPEST POINT
ON LAND."
THE DEEPEST POINT?
THAT BUMPER STICKER WITH ALL THE WORLD'S RELIGIONS SPELLING
"COEXIST."
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH.
THAT'S VERY DEEP
>> Stephen: MEANWHILE, ONCE IN A WHILE, A STORY COMES ALONG THAT
IS FAR TOO PHALLIC FOR US TO COVER, BUT ALSO FAR TOO PHALLIC
FOR US NOT TO COVER, WHICH BRINGS US ONCE AGAIN TO OUR
"MEANWHILE" SUB-SEGMENT: "PEEN-WHILE."
PEEN-WHILE, THE "CATS" MOVIE HITS THEATERS THIS WEEKEND,
AND, REPORTEDLY, ONE OF ITS STARS, JASON DERULO, ISN'T
HAPPY.
SPECIFICALLY, DERULO "IS BUMMED THAT THE FILM HAD TO DIGITALLY
REMOVE HIS MASSIVE PENIS."
BECAUSE, COME ONE, THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE WANTS FROM A MOVIE
ABOUT CATS: A MASSIVE HUMAN PENIS.
( LAUGHTER )
SURE, BE VERY BIG, BECAUSE WHEN ASKED BY AN INTERVIEWER, "YOU
THINK THAT THEY AIRBRUSHED YOUR PENIS OUT OF THE 'CATS' MOVIE?"
DERULO REPLIED, "125%."
( LAUGHTER )
SOMEONE WHO EXAGGERATES THE SIZE OF THINGS?
MEANWHILE, THE TOWN OF SKAGWAY, ALASKA, IS SELLING ITS NEWSPAPER
FOR THE "UNBEATABLE PRICE OF ZERO DOLLARS."
"UNBEATABLE"?
CLEARLY, YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF TOPEKA, KANSAS.
( LAUGHTER )
JAMIE FOXX.