- This is a very exciting night.
This is a very special night.
I've been doing this unsuccessfully for 13 years.
(audience laughs and claps)
Ooh, applause, (laughs) 13 years of failure.
Every day that goes by, I'm like,
"Am I gonna make no money for a whole life,
"like a bird? (audience laughs)
"or a lizard?"
Here's where my career's at, I will do your podcast.
(audience laughs)
You can't keep me off it, I'm already on it.
You got a podcast, I'm doing your podcast.
I got this email the other day, and it was like,
"Hey, Dave, do you wanna do our pod,"
and I didn't even finish.
I was like, "Yes, I'm doing the podcast.
"No more information required."
And then the night of the big podcast,
I'm out with some of my best friends in the world
and there's drugs, and I say no to those.
I'm like, "I gotta go to a podcast."
And then I hopped in a $40 Uber back to my apartment,
and I went into my daughter's bedroom,
and I opened up my laptop,
and I pulled out the Zoom link for the podcast,
and I was face-to-face with three 15-year-old boys.
(audience laughs)
Oh, no, I agreed to do a child's podcast.
(audience laughs) Not again!
I podcasted with children for an hour and a half
in my daughter's bedroom,
and they didn't even really include me all that much.
It was kind of insidery.
They were like shitting on their history teacher,
and then I'm 35 and also there like,
"Yeah man, school blows!" (audience laughs)
"Take it from me, the grown man
"you're hanging out with online,
"school, no bueno." (audience laughs)
Podcast ends, 'cause one of the kids' moms
came into his bedroom, and she's like,
"Hey, you gotta wrap up, it's time for bed.
"You gotta wrap it up." (audience laughs)
And then she looked at his computer where I am,
and I just shut my laptop.
I was like, "No! (audience laughs)
"I will not be looking a mother in the eyes tonight."
'Cause even if she doesn't think I'm a predator,
there's no way to explain what I actually am."
No, no, I'm a comedian,
and I thought I could raise my comedy profile
on your boy's podcast, and I would love to explain further
once my wife goes to bed.
You know what, I groom children for sex on the internet.
(audience laughs)
I prefer you think that than the awful, horrible truth
of what is actually going on in your son's bedroom,
a man imploding. (audience laughs)
Entertainment's all about who you know.
I know three kids in Ohio. (audience laughs)
I know 26 guys who all work
for the same illegal moving company.
(audience laughs)
Comedy's an excellent way
to get into a legal residential moving
if that's something you're interested in.
(audience laughs) I'll hook it up.
The company is illegal.
We get paid under-the-table cash,
which is appealing to artists like myself
and then also, hardened criminals.
So I'm not always like 110%
with the person I'm working with.
The guy I was working with this week,
he just jumps into his awful nightmare life,
and he's just telling me about it.
He's like, "Man, I've got these four kids
"from these two different sex workers.
"Me and all four kids live in my mother's basement.
"I'm currently in two custody battles
"with both of those sex workers."
And then the rest of the day
is just complaining about these women.
He's like, "Aren't these women crazy? Aren't they crazy?"
I was like, "Hey man, you know what's crazy
"that all the choices you've made in your life
"and all the choices I've made in my life
(audience laughs)
"have led us to the exact same place!
(audience laughs and claps)
"That's what I find A little ha ha ha crazy
"about your story, that following your dreams
"can look so close to destroying your life."
(audience laughs)
Yeah, entertainment's all about who you know.
I know those guys, I know my father-in-law,
a man who was just fired from Panda Express
for refusing to stop adding his own spices
(audience laughs)
that he brought from home to the food.
(audience laughs)
His 17-year-old manager came up to him and was like,
"Hey, we've been getting some complaints
"that the food tastes kinda weird.
"You know anything about that?"
And he's like, "Yeah, I know a lot about that."
(audience laughs)
Revealed a full spice rack that he'd been dragging into work
and then this child had to be like,
"Oh no, no sir, did no one tell...
"Oh, this isn't a restaurant,"
because he thought he was a chef at Panda.
He was like, "This isn't a res...
"This is a troth for human beings,
"but you can't feed people like pigs,
"so we created the illusion of the restaurant,
"but the idea is the same.
"You scoop the slop onto the tray.
"You give it to the animals that come in here.
"They roll around in it, mouth open, hoping some gets in.
(audience laughs) "That is your job."
My fire in-law's like, "I think I understand,
"you want a little more Everything Bagel seasoning
"on the kung pao chicken."
Fired his ass.
That guy created my wife. - Oh god.
(audience laughs)
- His genes are in my daughter, I know, thank you.
- I'm so sorry.
- That's okay, it's okay, it's gonna be okay for both of us.
(audience laughs)
It's gonna be all right, (chuckles) that's nice.
(chuckles) Made a connection (audience laughs)
(chuckles) with a person with 12 drinks in front of them.
(laughing) (audience laughs and claps)
Somebody came to play on Comedy Central's dime.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, it doesn't take much to be a dad, huh?
Yeah, that guy's a dad.
Yeah, people just like seeing you out
with a kid if you're a dad.
They can't believe you didn't abandon your family.
(audience laughs) Oh my God!
A man out with a kid, he coulda left, and here he is.
(audience laughs)
I was on the swings with my daughter,
and these two older women came up and they're just like,
"Hey, I'm sorry, just so you know, you are amazing."
I was like, "Oh my God, I am so high."
(audience laughs)
I'm amazing, I'm an amazing man!
I don't know how much you need to hear that,
spiraling out over here, yeah.
People do not treat my wife the same way
when she's out with our daughter.
They spit at her, and they try to trip her.
(audience laughs)
People do not care when a woman is out with a kid,
because it's not new.
Being a dad was invented like three years ago.
(audience laughs)
I grew up in the 80s.
One of the highest grossing comedies of the 80s
was "Mr. Mom," which is a movie about a guy
whose wife got a job,
and so he had to stay home with the kids.
Highest grossing comedy.
They didn't even have a word for that.
They're like, "He's a man, but he's a mom.
(audience laughs) "He's man, Man Mom!
"No, Mr. Mom," highest gross in comedy of '83.
(audience laughs)
Like, people tell their friends about it.
(laughs) I don't know, how did they think of it?
He's a man, he's not a man. (audience laughs)
He's a mom's, he does laundry.
(audience laughs)
He doesn't scream at taxes like the rest of us real men.
Yeah, I've got a bit of a Mr. Mom thing going.
My wife works in an office, and I do not.
(audience laughs)
I spend a lot of time in the playground,
which is great until my daughter drifts
a little too far away,
and now I'm just an alone man on the playground,
scary man to be, because other people's kids
will come up and try to play with you.
They're just like, "Hey, do you wanna play?"
And I'm always like, "No." (audience laughs)
And they're like, "Why not?"
And I'm like, "I can't even begin to explain the horrors
"of the world you've been dragged into."
(audience laughs)
Just trust me or don't trust anyone, just go.
(audience laughs)
I was on the playground with my daughter the other day,
and we were just playing next to these three little girls,
and I just overheard one of the little girls,
she turned to her two friends and she was like,
"Hey, do you guys wanna play Sad Girl?"
And I was like, "Ooh, what is Sad Girl?"
(audience laughs)
So I just started watching them and here's what Sad Girl is.
It's a made up game made up by little girls,
and here's how you play it.
Two of the girls run around and dance and play and laugh
and have fun, and then the third girl is the Sad Girl,
and it's her job to sit underneath the playscape
with the saddest look on her face
while her friends dance and play around her.
And it's unclear how you score a point
(audience laughs) in Sad Girl,
but one of the girls will carry the weight of this day
well into their late 40s. (audience laughs)
(audience clapping)
It's just so funny, 'cause I was a little boy.
I would play little boy games, like catch
and, you know, where you throw and catch.
(audience laughs)
And then I guess at the same time,
the girls were involved in some sort of social Hunger Games.
(audience laughs) Let's play Break Sarah!
Ooh, I love Break Sarah! (audience laughs)
I was friends with a bunch of mean vicious little boys.
And still, it never occurred to us
that you could leave one out.
(audience laughs)
We were never like, "Hey, you guys wanna play Sad Boy?"
All right, Craig, go into the closet.
Listen to me and Jeremy play video games.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, listen to us laugh and play.
You can come out when you've forgotten how to trust.
(audience laughs)
My one goal as a father
is my daughter never plays this game.
I don't care about boys or drugs or anything.
I could catch her doing cocaine off a gun.
(audience laughs)
I'd be like, "Hey, this isn't Sad Girl, is it?
(audience laughs)
"Everyone's including you?
"All right, is it loaded? (audience laughs)
"All right, carry on. (audience laughs)
"Not too late, we got kindergarten tomorrow."
(audience laughs)