- My name is Sheng Wang.
Sometimes when I tell people that, they're like,
"Wow, that is perfect for pursuing standup comedy."
(audience laughing)
I'm like, "Yeah, but first,
I was trying to pursue childhood."
(audience laughing)
You know it's tough when kids call you names.
It's always worse when they just use your name.
(audience laughing)
Even recently, I was making a reservation
for this hotel in Arkansas.
I gave the guy information, it was all good.
I told him my name.
I said, "Sheng Wang."
He said, "That's funny."
(audience laughing)
"You don't sound like that."
(audience laughing)
I was like, "My bad."
(audience laughing)
"I'm sorry if I don't meet your racist expectations."
(audience laughing)
"I'm sorry if I don't sound
like a complete stereotype, Arkansas.
You, on the other hand, doing a really good job."
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
I live in Chinatown 'cause that's where I got assigned.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
(audience applauding)
There's a restaurant in my neighborhood.
There's a restaurant called Sheng Wang,
spelled exactly like my name.
All my friends insist that I have to go eat there.
Secretly, I agree, but I don't know why.
(audience laughing)
I don't know what kind of fantasy we expect to pan out.
(audience laughing)
Like I walk in there, everyone freaks out.
They're like, "Oh my, God, it's him."
(audience laughing)
"We've been waiting for you."
(audience laughing)
"The prophecy has begun."
(audience laughing)
I look around, there's baby pictures of me everywhere.
(audience laughing)
(air whooshing)
My parents are immigrants,
and sometimes it's very hard for me to think about it.
The whole idea of immigration sounds crazy.
Can you imagine leaving home right now,
you just leave all your friends, all your family,
you move to a completely foreign country,
just so your offspring can have more opportunities,
and then your kid goes into stand-up comedy.
(audience laughing)
You're like, "Dang, son, that's too much opportunities."
(audience laughing)
"We didn't come here for that.
We wanted you to not work in a factory.
We didn't want you to follow your dreams, you (beep)."
(audience laughing)
(air whooshing)
Single, currently, but I think it's okay,
'cause I think there's times in your life
where you gotta focus on you, your studies, your pursuits,
what have you.
But there is a time limit.
(audience laughing)
You get to a point where you start to question.
You're like, "What's up with my soulmate?"
(audience laughing)
"What's up with true love.
Is this gonna pan out?"
And then you get to another point where you start to doubt.
You're like, "What's the point?
What's the point of trying?
What's the point of going out, wasting my money?
What's the point of pants and hygiene?"
(audience laughing)
And I realized not only have I given up on the dream,
I gave up in my dreams.
(audience laughing)
It's disturbing.
But imagine, right?
I'm asleep, I'm having a fantasy,
room full of beautiful ladies somewhere,
and I'm there looking incredibly handsome,
doing all the right things, making eye contact,
being all rude and sexy.
(audience laughing)
And right when I'm about to make my move,
right when I'm about to go in for the kill,
I'm like, "Man, (beep) this."
(audience laughing)
"I'm just gonna fly home on my dragon
and go masturbate in my castle."
(audience laughing)
(air whooshing)
I feel like I'm getting older
only because I got a lot of friends
that are starting to get married.
It's weird 'cause a lot of my female friends,
I think they're very progressive, liberal-minded folks,
but when it comes to the engagement ring,
they want a very traditional big ass rock.
(audience laughing)
I understand ladies love diamonds
because diamonds are forever.
True, but so is a plastic bag.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
(audience applauding)
Because my love is eternal,
because my love will never break down.
(audience laughing)
I wanna give you this non-degradable grocery sack.
(audience laughing)
Don't be sad, girls, got 50 carrots in there.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(air whooshing)
I'm trying to be a better person.
This year, my goal is to black out less.
(audience laughing)
It's a very difficult goal to track.
(audience laughing)
I think I'm succeeding,
but I might just not remember failing.
(audience laughing)
I recently went out with my girlfriend.
I decided she was gonna be the designated driver,
but I did not bother to tell her about my decision.
(audience laughing)
I just went ahead and got crazy sloppy,
because actions speak louder than gibberish.
(audience laughing)
It got to that point where, forget about driving, folks.
Forget about driving.
I might not make the cut as a passenger.
(audience laughing)
It was gonna be a challenge to keep my body inside my car
and my insides inside my body.
(audience laughing)
We went to a drive thru
and she had to keep locking the doors
to stop me from getting out
because I told her everybody lined up in the cars behind us,
they all wanna see me dance.
(audience laughing)
After, she protected me from getting hate-crimed on,
(audience laughing)
we went home,
and I immediately took off my jeans,
because I'm about to eat seven jalapeno poppers.
(audience laughing)
And I'm not gonna dignify that kinda meal with pants.
(audience laughing)
But then my girl noticed a large wet spot on my boxers.
She got upset.
She was like, "Did you pee yourself?"
I said the coolest thing you could say in that situation.
I said, "Probably!"
(audience laughing)
(air whooshing)
I also know I'm getting older,
'cause I was watching this MILF porn
(audience laughing)
and it just seemed like regular porn.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
MILFs used to look like my friend's mom.
Now they just look like my friends,
(audience laughing)
which only adds to the ongoing peer pressure
to make me wanna settle down.
You know how weird it is to watch pornography
and think to yourself,
"Gosh, I guess it is time for me to start a family."
(audience laughing)
"Yeah, I wanna raise children too, just like this MILF."
(audience laughing)
(air whooshing)
One night I was at the Milwaukee airport,
waiting for a connection flight,
and I had this crazy idea
because I found this random can of tuna in my backpack.
(audience laughing)
I was like, "Let's make this a heartier meal."
I'm gonna put that in my salad, right?
'Cause it's protein and it's gonna fill me up,
but it's also smelly, unorthodox behavior.
(audience laughing)
But no one does that and I was worried.
Because if you're white and you're weird, you're a weirdo.
But if you're an Asian dude at the Milwaukee airport
and you start to step outta line,
then you just created a whole bunch of new stereotypes
for your people.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Folks are like, "Look at that guy.
They all do that."
(audience laughing)
So I was paranoid.
I was really concerned that people were watching me,
judging me, thinking I was being weird or cheap or whatever.
And then I went to this whole new level of fear.
I got worried that people thought I was eating cat food.
(audience laughing)
For no reason.
I just was sure people were thinking like,
"Hey, that Chinese dude is putting Friskies
in his Caesar salad."
(audience laughing)
"Everybody take a picture, put it on the internet
and tag Asia."
(audience laughing)
(air whooshing)
A friend of mine told me the other day,
my friend said, "Hey," he said to me,
"Hey, you need to grow a pair.
Grow a pair, bro."
It's when someone calls you weak,
but they associate it with the lack of testicles,
which is weird
because testicles are like the most sensitive things
in the world.
(audience laughing)
If you suddenly just grew a pair,
you would be a lot more vulnerable.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
If you wanna be tough, you should lose a pair.
(audience laughing)
If you wanna be real tough, you should grow a vagina.
(audience cheering)
Those things can take a poundin'.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)