( APPLAUSE )
SAY HELLO TO JON BATTISTE AND STAY HUMAN, WON'T YOU PLEASE?
WON'T YOU PLEASE, FRIEND?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HAVE THE QUESTIONS RIGHT HERE FOR MY GUESTS TONIGHT FROM
SHOWTIME'S "THE CIRCUS."
WE CAN JOHN HEILEMANN, MARK McKINNON, AND JENNIFER
PALMIERI.
WE'RE HERE TO TALK ABOUT WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE WORLD, IN
POLITICS HERE AND AROUND THE WORLD.
AWARD-WINNING SHOW, IT IS.
YOU KNOW IT IS AN AWARD WINNING SHOW?
YOU ANSWERED?
ARE THEY-- IT'S GOT TO BE.
( APPLAUSE )
THEY'VE GOT TO HAVE AN AWARDS.
THEY'RE WAY MORE IMPORTANT THAN WE ARE.
THEY'RE ON SHOWTIME.
ISN'T THAT FANCIER?
A VERY FANCY GROUP OF PEOPLE COMING OUT HERE IN JUST A
MOMENT.
IS FOLKS, I LOVE A LOT OF THINGS, BUT MOST OF ALL, I LOVE
LOVE.
AND I LOVE THAT I LOVE IT.
EVEN THE WORD.
THE "L," THE "O," THE "V," AND SEXIEST OF THEM ALL, THAT SILENT
"E."
WHO IS SHE?
WHAT'S SHE HIDING?
WHAT ISN'T SHE SAYING?
AND YOU SINGLES ALREADY KNOW THAT DATING APPS HAVE DOMINATED
THE SCENE FOR ALMOST A DECADE, BUT PEOPLE ARE SOURING ON THEM,
BECAUSE WORD ON THE STREET IS THAT GEN Z IS READY TO BREAK UP
WITH TINDER.
THAT'S RIGHT, TINDER IS CHEUGY HIGH-KEY SUS NO CAP, FAM.
( LAUGHTER )
AND I DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO YOU WHAT ANY OF THAT MEANS.
WITH TINDER ON THE DECLINE, THERE'S A SLEW OF NEW DATING
APPS FILLING THE VOID.
AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THEM IN MY LOVERLY SEGMENT:
♪ ♪ ♪ >> ROMAN-SPLAINING WITH
STEPHEN COLBERT.
DATING APPS EDITION.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
APP GAP IS "SNACK," WHICH DESCRIBES ITSELF AS "NOT YOUR
PARENTS' DATING APP."
THAT IS GREAT NEWS, BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO ACCIDENTALLY MATCH
WITH THEIR MOM: "WOW, THIS ONE SEEMS REALLY
GREAT.
WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON-- SAME HOMETOWN, SAME LAST NAME-- OH,
MY GOD!" NEXT UP IN THE LOVE MACHINES IS
THE ACTUAL NEW APP "SCHMOOZE," WHICH WILL SHOW YOU MEMES TO
EVALUATE WHAT KIND OF HUMOR YOU LIKE.
AT THAT POINT, YOU'LL RECEIVE A "HASHTAG MATCH-REC" WITH SOMEONE
WHOSE HUMOR ALLEGEDLY MATCHES YOURS, THE THEORY HERE BEING IF
YOU SHARE YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR, YOU'RE MORE LIKELY TO FIND THEM
SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE.
FOR INSTANCE, YOU HERE LAUGHED AT MANY OF MY JOKES IN THE
MONOLOGUE, AND THAT'S WHY THEY HAD TO SHOOT ME FROM THE
WAIST UP.
EVEN--
IS AND WHY I'M SITTING DOWN RIGHT NOW.
( LAUGHTER )
TRYING TO UP THEIR GAME, BECAUSE BUMBLE HAS ACQUIRED THE GEN Z
DATING APP "FRUITZ," WHERE USERS CAN SPECIFY THEIR PREFERENCES
FOR WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP THEY WISH TO FIND.
IF THEY POST A WATERMELON, THEY'RE LOOKING FOR "FRIEND
WITH BENEFITS."
A CHERRY MEANS THEY WANT A SERIOUS, LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP.
GRAPE INDICATES THEY WANT TO MEET SOMEONE OVER A DRINK.
AND FOR SOME REASON, ON FRUITZ THE PEACH MEANS THAT THEY'RE
ONLY INTERESTED IN KISSING.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THOUGH, I DO WANT TO POINT OUT, IT DOESN'T SAY WHAT YOU'RE
KISSING.Y
HOPEFULLY, ON "FRUITZ," YOU CAN SOON ALSO OFFER A NICE TOSSED
SALAD WITH EGGPLANT, THEN RUN THROUGH YOUR SPRINKLER.
CLEARLY, CLEARLY, IT'S THE WILD WEST OF DATING APPORTUNITIES OUT
THERE.
AND PAPA WANTS TO GET HIS PEACH WET.
WHICH IS WHY TONIGHT I'M LAUNCHING MY NEW LINE OF
COLBERT-PROPRIETARY DATING APPS, EACH WITH A COOL NEW GIMMICK
GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SAY: "ALL RIGHT."
FIRST UP, IF YOU ENJOYED FRUITZ, WHY NOT TRY ITS SISTER APP,
"VEGETABLEZ."
VEGETABLEZ IS THE APP WITH ITS OWN HYPER-SPECIFIC SEXUAL EMOJI
CODES.
FOR INSTANCE, BROCCOLI MEANS YOU LIKE IT ROUGHAGE.
( LAUGHTER )
MIGHT TRY "REX," WHICH ACTUALLY IS YOUR PARENTS' DATING APP.
IT'S PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO IS FLEEING A PROPHESY OF PATRICIDE,
SOLVES THE SPHINX'S RIDDLE, ACCIDENTALLY SLEEPS WITH THEIR
MOM, THEN GOUGES OUT THEIR EYES IN DESPAIR.
( LAUGHTER )
FOR LOVE BUT FIND THE PANTRY IS BARE, WHY NOT ORDER OUT BY
VISITING GRUB-HUMP?
THAT'S WHERE WE SEND YOU YOUR FAVORITE MEAL, AND YOU ARE
AUTOMATICALLY MATCHED WITH YOUR DELIVERY DRIVER BECAUSE--
( APPLAUSE )
SEEMS NICE.
BECAUSE NO ONE UNDERSTANDS YOU LIKE THE MAN WHO KNOWS THAT ALL
THREE OF THOSE SESAME CHICKENS ARE REALLY FOR YOU.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE HOSTS OF SHOWTIME'S "THE
CIRCUS."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
♪ ♪ ♪