[The Walking Dead theme music plays]
[Game Theory theme music plays]
Hello Internet, welcome to "Game Theory"
The only show that slaughters melons in the middle of the desert
so that you can survive a zombie apocalypse.
But before I get all OJ Simpson up in here (whoopwie)
let's take a minute to consider
just how real the threat of an undead uprising
actually is.
Meet "Toxoplasmosa Gondii."
This little guy can only breed in the intestines of cats
so it infects the brains of rats,
and then shuts down the rats' fear response
making them approach a cat instead of running away.
The rat gets eaten, toxoplasmosa reproduces,
and proceeds to infect more rats.
(high pitched voice) "But MatPat, I'm not a rat,"
(normal voice) you say. Well spotted loyal theorist.
But you're not safe yet.
Early studies have shown that those humans infected with toxoplasmosa
tend to be more insecure and have minor brain damage
resembling the effects of schizophrenia.
And you know how in 'The Walking Dead' series everyone is already infected?
Well, hate to break it to you, but half of you watching
have toxoplasmosa swimming around inside you as we speak.
So the hard truth is this:
if you're looking for a zombie apocalypse, toxoplasmosa gondii
may be your culprit.
In other words, the zombie threat is closer
and more real than you or I can imagine.
And I don't know about you, but I want to be prepared,
and that means figuring out what weapon is gonna protect me the best.
Thing is, I don't own a gun.
Only 47% of Americans do,
and even if I did find one lying around on the street
I wouldn't be able to pick one up and suddenly become Andy Oakley.
So the question is, what do I use?
I'm left with what I got: tools, uh, cutlery,
maybe a little oil and gasoline?
So which of these things is gonna protect me the best
from a toxoplasmosis outbreak?
Let's find out.
First, let's get two things straight.
There's a lot of zombie lore out there, but to me
The Walking Dead's makes the most sense.
Kill the brain, kill the zombie.
So we're looking for a weapon that'll be able
to penetrate the head from a safe distance.
Second, we're using watermelons because
they're a decent approximation of the human head:
hard exterior, with a soft and squishy interior.
Plus there's anecdotal evidence to support this.
An officer who was near President Kennedy when he was shot
said that it sounded like a watermelon being split open!
Gross, but true.
Also, a recent episode of FOX's hit drama "Bones"
said that the human head has the same density
as a watermelon, so there's that.
Would a pig's skull have been a more accurate representation?
Sure, but I don't have the budget or the stomach for that sort of thing.
Plus, watching a watermelon explode is so much cooler.
First, let's start with a classic: the kitchen knife.
Trouble is, we're not getting deep penetration.
Hah! Ah... that's what she said.
As loyal theorists may remember from the Fallout headshot episode,
the base of the brain is where the motor function is housed:
the cerebellum and the brain stem.
For mindless shambling zombies with no high level cognitive processes
that's the region we have to take out in order to stop them coming for us.
So if we're using a knife, even a large one like this,
we would have to aim our blow to either the side
or the back of the zombie's head,
something that, in the heat of the moment,
you don't want to be thinking about.
Also the short range of the knife leaves us open for a bite.
In short, the knife...isn't "bad", but we could do a LOT better.
So if we're gonna kill the zombie we have to get through the head.
Now, I don't know about you, but when I think of
"deep penetration" I think of...
Drills! With comically large bits.
[drill whirring]
Whoa there!
But let's face it, a drill bit this comically large
isn't going to be in your garage.
Probably something more along the lines of this size.
[accidentally starts the drill for a second]
And if we're using it...
...to penetrate a zombie skull...
...sure, it's a nice puncture wound,
but it's not giving us the deep penetration that we need
to hit those core parts of motion:
the cerebellum and the brain stem.
In other words, drill bit? Ain't gonna cut it.
Speaking of cutting it, you know your axe is serious
when it comes with its own sheathe.
[THUNK]
Hohohohoho! That worked.
Look, it even looks like it has a little unhappy face, right here.
Little eye and a little mouth. Aww, he's so sad
that he got an axe to his back!
Dead zombie! DEA-
The extremely sharp blade of the axe, coupled
with its weight and the leverage of the axe handle
allows for some tremendous cutting power
hacking through the melon like a hot knife through butter.
And if you didn't want to aim for the skull,
the long handle allows for a safe reaching distance
making the neck an easy target for dismemberment.
Overall, the axe gets a seal of approval.
MatPat: (as zombie melon) Oh hi, I'm zombie melon.
Don't kill meeeeeeeee...
(normal voice) How about some bludgeoning items?
I got an oversized wrench, a hammer, and the good old fashioned two-by-four.
Let's melee some melon.
[the gentle, elegant chorus of "Ave Maria" plays]
*tap tap tap*
Hear ye, hear ye. Judge Matthew presiding.
Verdict on all three: not ideal.
The wood had too much surface area striking the watermelon
meaning the force it was delivering was distributed out
instead of focused into one precise point.
All that science talk basically means, this? Not the most effective club.
Meanwhile the wrench and the hammer
while they did alright, I wasn't guaranteed
a one hit kill. Plus, because they're so short,
I have to get in close to the zombie,
meaning I'm running the risk of getting bitten.
Hammer: tended to get caught.
The wrench especially needed multiple hits to get through the skull.
Overall, they're okay if you have 'em, but look for something better.
But wait! In honor of [duct tape ripping] "Dead Rising",
let's get creative up in here.
[jazzy elevator music]
Apart, all three of them are "meh" weapons.
But when combined, they become THIS:
the homemade version of a spiked bat.
Probably should have pre-drilled my holes, huh?
Ah well, let's see if it works.
[THUNK]
Hohohoho yeah! Baby, there you go!
What was three mediocre weapons became one
awesome weapon, just with a little creativity
giving me a good penetrating power with a safe distance.
Awesome, awesome weapon. The power
of ingenuity. The human mind.
But when it comes down to it nothing is gonna beat
the granddaddy of bludgeoning weapons: the sledgehammer.
I'm hoping to feel like Gallagher here so I've kept
the camera really far back so that none of these
watermelon guts gets on it. But hopefully
that doesn't prevent you from seeing the fireworks.
At least what I hope is gonna happen.
[SPLAT!]
Ahahahahahahaha!
Did you see that? (laughing)
That was AWESOME. And effective!
Even, like, broke the table.
Okay, so that was super effective but let's think about this rationally.
First, a sledgehammer is heavy.
It's going to slow you down. A lot.
And against shambling hoards, speed is going to be
your best ally, so that's a negative.
It's also going to tire you out. Sure the first one or two
swings are going to be fine, but if a brain dead town
is chasing after you, you're going to need stamina
and this weapon won't let that happen.
But worst of all, look at that splatter!
For as awesome as it is as a watermelon, if
the zombie infection is transmitted through bodily fluids
you've just sealed your own fate.
So the sledgehammer verdict?
It's impressive as a weapon, but not necessarily your best choice.
[echoing] Finally we come to the Molotov cocktail.
But before we test this big guy out, let's think for a minute.
If I throw this, what am I actually going to do?
We're trying to kill the zombie's brain,
but by throwing this I'm just setting the zombie on fire.
Seemingly a more problematic situation than when I first started.
Also, if you think about it, they're not easy to use,
you can't re-use them, and they're difficult to make.
Molotov cocktail? More like Molotov cock-FAIL!
In the end the moral of the story is this:
While the end of the world might seem like your opportunity to go all badass
and start shooting off guns, and smashing things with sledgehammers,
and setting other things on fire,
it's the people who stay practical and creative
that are going to survive the longest.
Remember, when fighting the brain dead,
this is your best weapon.
But hey, that's just a theory. A GAME THEORY.
Take it away, zombie melon.
(as zombie melon) Don't kill meeee....
CAUSE I'M ALREADY DEAD!
Zombie melon? Zombie melon?
Ahhhhhhh, back of my head is ripped open
Ahhhhhhhh! Ahhhh!
(normal voice) Yeah, yeah. Okay, shut up.