Well, congratulations.
She's a brand new mommy.
Brand new.
[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]
Like, the baby is how old?
Eight weeks.
Eight weeks old.
Today.
Today?
Yeah.
Happy birthday to the little baby.
He, she?
He.
Jonathan.
And he's backstage?
Backstage.
I wish I would have seen him before I walked out here.
I would have liked to have said hello to him.
He told me he wants to meet you, too,
so maybe we can set up a date.
We should set up a date.
Johnny or Jonathan?
Both, actually.
I call him Johnny, but other people like Jonathan.
That's a cute name, Johnny, for a little kid.
And he is-- so are you--
how often are you out of the house?
This is a big deal that you're out of the house
at eight weeks, right?
Oh, yes.
You should have seen me arrive.
I'm, like, in my sweats.
My hair is out to here.
I've got the kid under one arm.
And I'm like, there's a dress, right?
There's a dress?
There's grooming?
Thank goodness.
This is a big deal.
I've been out-- I've been out of the house a couple of times.
I've been to the gym.
I went to the gym three times.
You went to the gym?
Three times.
Being a mom has changed me in a couple of ways.
One of them is I actually-- not based on this moment,
but other moments-- feel a lot more confident.
So when I walk into the gym--
normally you walk into the gym, and you see--
and I work out in West Hollywood.
So you see, like, Thor's trainer.
It's like the people who have too many muscles
to be in "The Avengers," that's who works out at my gym.
And so I see them, and I would normally walk in
and feel so intimidated.
But I walk in, and I'm like, yeah,
I work out with 5 pounds weights.
But I pushed a baby out of my body.
I feel good right now.
[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]
So I don't care what I look like.
I feel great.
I'm working, and I'm on--
I'm on this machine, whatever that does.
Right.
And I see this guy who does actually
look like Thor's trainer staring at me.
And I'm like, oh, God.
Am I-- am I doing something wrong?
And in the past, I just would have slunk off my machine.
But I'm like, no, I'm going to ask him.
I'm like, hey, is everything cool?
Did you want to work in?
And he goes, oh, God, no.
I'm just in my own world.
Like, no.
And I was like, OK, cool, because you
were staring at me really hard.
And he was just like, no, no.
Don't worry about it.
So I go back, and I get off the machine.
And then he comes up to me.
And he's like, so, you been working out
at this gym for a long time?
And I was like, oh, my God.
He's hitting on me.
Nice.
New mom.
I'm feeling really good about myself.
And I'm like, oh.
I mean, yeah.
I've been coming here for a little bit.
He's like, cool.
I'm a trainer here, and I just wondering
if you wanted some pointers.
And I was like, oh, no.
He's not hitting on you.
He just wants a job.
So then we start talking, and I decide
that I'm going to let it drop that I'm a new mom.
And so I'm like, well, you know, I have worked out here
for a long time, but I've been gone because I just
had a baby seven weeks ago.
And I'm expecting him to say the thing
that you say when someone says that you've had a baby, which
is oh, my God.
You look great.
It doesn't matter if it's true.
Doesn't matter.
If somebody says, like, oh, I had a baby 13 years ago,
you're like, you look great.
That is what you do.
That is the etiquette.
So I say to this guy, I had a baby seven weeks ago.
And he goes, oh.
Trying to lose the baby weight?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Wow.
So I just muster up my dignity, and I say, no, Brandon--
which is not his name, but I'm protecting him.
Shouldn't, but I am.
So I say, no, Brandon.
It's a little bit too soon to worry about weight.
I'm just trying to regain my strength.
And he said, great.
And he walked away, and I cried a little bit.
Oh, no.
So you have a brand new baby.
And I know that you have two dogs.
Yes.
And so how are the dogs with the baby?
Because that's a tough transition sometimes.
They're better.
Initially it was a little rocky, coming home.
We got told that if you--
so when you have the baby, they wear a hat.
And they release all these love hormones from their head.
So we were told, if you give the hat to the dogs
that the dogs will sniff it and fall in love with your baby.
This is apparently a thing.
So we send the hat home ahead of us, and we come in.
And I see the hat lying there when I walk through the door.
And I pick it up.
I'm like, Kenobi, come here.
Come here.
And I have him sniff the hat, and he sniffs the hat.
And I think we're going to have this amazing moment.
And he grabs it from me, goes to his bed,
and starts trying to break its neck.
You know, like a little woodland creature.
Yeah.
So the hat thing did not work.
No.
But they're doing better now.
Better now.
I could tell they were feeling a little neglected,
so one day, I called them over, and I
decided to give them jobs.
So I was like, Esme, you are the defender of the house.
Anybody comes near the door, you bark your head off.
And Kenobi, I'm, like, your job is when Johnny's bigger,
you're going to be his best friend.
And they have taken their jobs so seriously.
Well, that's just adorable, is what that is.
Yeah.
That's a-- he's a good one.
The only trouble is that when Esme was a little puppy,
she was 12 pounds, and I used to hold her like a baby.
And Kenobi is only 15 pounds, so I hold him like a baby.
And now I have a baby, and they're both like, good.
And they jump on me.
So I can be feeding him, and Esme comes over and sits
in my lap.
And she weighs 65 pounds now, so it's not quite the same thing.
I need to know what kind of fertilizer you use on your lawn
because that is the prettiest lawn I've ever seen.
I've never seen a better lawn than that.
[THEME MUSIC]