hi everyone if someone you care about is suffering from depression it can be extremely difficult to
see them struggle and it's natural to want to help unfortunately sometimes the things we say that
are well-meaning and well intended can actually make things worse for a person who's experiencing
depression in today's video I'm going to be talking about some of the things that you might
be tempted to say but that you should avoid saying to someone who's experiencing depression before I
get into that just a couple of disclaimers to go over I'm a registered psychologist in the province
of British Columbia Canada and this video is for informational purposes only it is not intended as
a substitute or replacement for advice from your doctor or mental health professional
now with those things out of the way let's start talking about what you shouldn't say
to someone who's experiencing depression no it can be really difficult to know what to say to
someone who's struggling with depression and it's really important to be sensitive and understanding
they're likely experiencing a lot of negative thinking and negative thoughts themselves so
you don't want to contribute even more to that negative dialogue that's going through their
head so here are some of the things to avoid saying to someone who's experiencing depression
the first is just snap out of it this is the tough love approach that encourages the person to will
themselves out of their depression however depression is a serious medical condition
that often requires treatment and professional intervention it's not something that a person
can simply snap out of if they could they would have already it's all in your head oftentimes
when people say this they're trying to reason or rationalize with the depression itself trying to
point out to the person who's suffering from depression that the way that they're thinking
and the way that they're interpreting things is wrong and that's what's making them feel worse
and while this might be true the problem is depression is a real and serious illness that
affects a person's mood and overall functioning for them it's not all in their head and it's
not just a matter of thinking positively or trying harder other people have it worse now
while it's true that everyone ex everyone's experiences are different saying something like
this can serve to invalidate the person's feelings and experiences and make them feel like their
struggles and their depression isn't important the reality is for many people with depression
they often compare themselves to other people and get down on themselves and beat themselves up for
being depressed when they see so many people so many other people in the world who seemingly
have bigger or more significant problems than they do it's an unfair comparison just because
someone else is just because someone else is experiencing something bad in their life that
doesn't invalidate the feelings and experiences of the person who's suffering from depression
you should try to exercise more eat better put on some makeup dress nicely go out and have fun
etc etc etc well all of these things are true making healthy lifestyle choices can certainly
be beneficial for someone with depression problem is the person with depression already knows these
things most people with depression already know that they would probably feel better if they
exercised more or that they would probably feel better if they got more sleep or ate healthier
the problem with depression isn't one of not knowing what they should be doing
the problem is having the motivation and energy to do those things and make those changes that
would make them feel better so by telling them something that they've already probably told
themselves multiple times it's likely just going to make them feel even worse about
themselves for not doing these things that they should be doing it's reinforcing that negative
dialogue that's already going on in their head have you tried just not being depressed
this one misses the point completely seeing something like this implies that the person
is choosing to be depressed and in all of my years of working with people with depression
I've never yet met a person who really wanted to be depressed it's not a choice and it's not
something that you can just try yourself out of it's just a phase that you're going through
while it could be helpful to think that depression is just a temporary mood state that will resolve
on its own this isn't always the case depression isn't just something that emotionally dysregulated
teenagers experience and eventually grow out of by saying something like it's just a phase it can
make the person with depression feel like you're invalidating what they're experiencing or don't
really understand that this isn't just a temporary state of sadness that's just gonna go away
you should try to think more positively well a positive attitude can certainly be helpful
it's not always possible for someone with depression to Simply change their thoughts
think more pal think more positively or just think happy thoughts one of the things that depression
can do is it can affect a person's thinking patterns and it can actually make it more
difficult for the person suffering from depression to see or recognize positive aspects in their life
so by telling them that they should think more positively you may be asking them to do something
that they literally cannot do because of the depression you should try to be more social this
is another one of those should statements while social support is important for mental health
depression can sap a person's motivation and energy to engage with people socially it may be
hard for them to do something as seemingly simple as answering the phone or returning a text message
so by telling them that they should try to be more social once again you're telling
them something that they already know and that they probably already beat themselves up for not
doing you're just trying to get attention file this one in the category of failure of empathy
the vast majority of people who experience depression don't do it for attention or to
get sympathy from other people rather most of the time people with depression try to hide
what they're experiencing from other people due to feelings of guilt and shame and embarrassment or
a perception that others would think badly of them this isn't an attention-seeking disorder
depression typically doesn't involve the histrionics and outward displays you
would expect in people seeking attention you're still depressed shouldn't you be over it by now
again while I understand that it can be really difficult to see a loved one or someone you care
about suffering from depression especially if you don't understand why they're feeling that way
but telling them to get over it or putting a time frame on how long it's appropriate for
them to feel depressed before they should just get over it this simply is not possible and it
can contribute and add to those tremendous feelings of Shame and guilt from the person
suffering from depression because they're probably also saying those things to themselves as well and
that's part of the depression beating themselves up and that's one of the main things I hope you
understand from some of these things you shouldn't say to people who are experiencing depression
you may be tempted to say some of these things to a loved one who's suffering from depression
there's a fairly good chance they've already told themselves these things
and it's these types of thoughts that point a finger of blame at the person who's suffering
from depression and that just makes them feel even worse and even more depressed
it's important to be supportive and understanding of someone with depression
and listening to them without judging or trying to fix them fix their problems
simply being there and offering your support can be a powerful way to help someone who's struggling
you don't have to say the right thing and sometimes the best way to support someone
with depression is to just be there and not have to say anything at all
if you want to learn more ways of supporting a loved one with depression I'd encourage you to
take a look at this video so that's all for today's video on things you shouldn't say
to a loved one who's suffering from depression as always thank you for
making it all the way to the end of this video and I will see you in the next one