Do feelings fade in no contact? That's what we're going to be talking about in this video.
But first, my name is Clay with Modernlove.life, where we help you get the great loving relationship
that you're looking for without having to play mind games, without having to be hard
to get, and without having to pretend to be someone or something that you are not, because
you deserve to be loved for the unique, amazing, and wonderful person that you are. And if
you agree with me, do me a favor by giving this video a thumbs up and maybe think about
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thumbs up button. Also, I wanted to let you know that we do
have a Facebook group. It's totally free to sign up for. It's pretty new. So you can go
ahead and find that down in the description box below this video. You can connect with
other people that like watching these videos, of the people that are going through breakups,
you can see stuff that I post in there from time to time as well too. So if you're on
Facebook, check it out down below. Okay. So let's talk about no contact. Will
it make feelings fade? I know there's a lot of fear that people have when it comes to
no contact, and I get it. I remember way back in 2003, back when I was first going through
my own breakup with my big ex, I went on this forum, pretty sure it's still there, called
E Not Alone. And I was looking for like advice and information on how to get back together
with my ex. There wasn't a whole lot of information back then. YouTube wasn't a thing, there weren't
all these relationship coaches out there and everything like that. So it's basically the
only place you could go to get information. And I saw people talking about the no contact
rule, and it scared me. It really did. I was really concerned that that one little fragile
thread of communication that we actually did have was the only thing that was keeping her
from forgetting about me or moving on or anything like that. It went totally against the grain
of everything that I felt and believed to be true. But eventually actually did use the
no contact rule. If you're new to my channel, if you knew these
videos, you may know that I don't follow the typical advice that you may hear from other
channels that you should always do the no contact rule all the time. Be like ... You
always need to do a trust the no contact rule blindly or anything like that. I don't. If
you do want to hear our take on the no contact rule, we do have a video series up there that
I'll walk you through it. But my belief is that you only need to do no contact if actually
being in contact with your ex is actually driving the two of you further and further
apart emotionally. If being in contact is bringing the two of you closer and closer
together then, hey, cool. Obviously something's working. Keep it up. No reason to fix what
ain't broken, as they say. But if you are thinking about doing no contact, if you've
been weighing it, if you've decided that this is the right thing for you to do, you could
still be afraid that this could be something that causes your ex's feelings for you to
fade. And this can happen, and this can actually be a good thing. Now, let's get into this.
So if you have watched other videos on this channel, you may know that there is a certain
force called emotional reactants that can stop you and your ex from connecting as well
as you normally could. Okay. We outline this whole force in our video series up there on
the five stages your ex goes through in getting back together. But depending on how high this
emotional reactance is, it can create a significant barrier for you and your ex to connect. And
one thing that you want to do through the process of getting back together is decrease
that level of emotional reactants. And there are two ways that you can do this. Number
one is through having stronger emotional connections with your ex. That is to say how you bring
yourself to the interactions, the things that you're saying to them when you're talking,
the questions that you're asking, the way that you're bringing yourself. Are you being
transparent? Are you putting on some sort of act? Are you trying to play it up like
some sort of aloof macho man or macho woman or something like that, or are you willing
to be vulnerable? These are things that can affect the level of emotional resistance or
reactants that your ex has towards you. The other factor that can reduce the reactants
is of course time, because time can actually create a little bit more perspective that
causes us to look at maybe what happened or what someone said or did in a different sort
of way. What someone said or did yesterday could still leave a very significant emotional
footprint with you. However, if you were to look at what they said or did a year later
or a month later, it may not seem that big of a deal. That's part of the effect that
time can have. With that being said, time alone should not
be your only tool. Again, if you have followed me or this channel and you know about our
position on no contact, you know that I don't recommend that you just do no contact and
hope that time alone is going to help the two of you to somehow get back together or
anything like that. It can work that way, but I would not recommend that you use time
by and of itself. It is a factor though. It is a factor. And so your ex's reactants may
actually fade for you during no contact. And this can be a good thing because it allows
you to actually connect and bond a little bit more. Now I know that if you're like looking
for this information, if you're wondering, "Will no contact make my ex's feelings fade?"
You're probably not thinking about reacting. You're probably thinking, is it going to make
their feelings of love for me fade? And let's get to that. Let's be honest here.
It may, or it may actually increase them. It depends on a couple of different things.
So what was your interaction like with your ex prior to doing no contact? Was it something
that was sort of overwhelming, overbearing for them, where maybe you were over contacting
them? Maybe you were coming across to them as maybe needy or desperate or something like
that. If that's the case, then being out of contact can actually feel like a weight has
been lifted off of them. It may be this way initially, or maybe this way over a longer
stretch of time. Again, it also depends on what your closeness was like with them leading
up to this no contact period. Were the two of you mostly connected pretty well, and then
the breakup happened, and then the two of you were like really trying to be civil and
kind towards one another, but then maybe things kind of got out of control? If that's the
case, maybe no contact can actually increase their feelings of positivity as they get over
that initial hump of the negativity, and they start to realize, "I actually miss the way
that we used to talk. I actually miss the way that we used to be able to bond when things
were good. I actually miss being able to talk to you."
On the other hand, if things have been pretty consistently not enjoyable for them during
the whole time that you were interacting up until you've decided to do no contact, they
may actually see this as a great reprieve. They may see that their life is significantly
better because of the fact that you aren't in contact anymore.
And it can actually allow them to kind of step forward into whatever the next chapter
may hold for them. So it could really go either way. And so, as you are out of contact, time
is one of those factors. But don't think that time is the only tool in your tool belt. Don't
think that no contact is the only tool in your tool belt. You are really doing yourself
a disservice if you think that no contact is the only thing that you've got going for
you. There are a whole lot of other things that you can use to connect in a deeper way.
We also have what are called advanced relational skills. I think I get three video cards, so
I can put up a video card for that as well up there for a video playlist that we have
on advanced relational skills. These allow your ex to connect with you in a deeper way
by how you're bringing yourself to the interaction. Remember, I said that time is only one factor
that will decrease that emotional reactance. The second factor is how you bring yourself
to the interaction. And this is where advanced relational skills come into play. This is
where are you in damage control mode, or are you calm and relaxed? That's an extreme example,
but if you are in damage control mode, yeah, getting out of damage control mode is going
to help. So you taking some time, getting yourself out of damage control mode, also
allows your ex to decrease that reactance, but it also allows you on the other side of
no contact to interact with them in a way that's totally different than the way that
they were interacting with you before no contact. And that can actually cause them to open up,
and actually cause them to create a stronger bond with you.
So, is no contact going to cause your ex's feelings to fade? It can. It can cause the
bad feelings to fade, it can cause the good feelings to fade, or can actually cause them
to actually increase as well too. So you have to look at what context you're doing no contact
within. What was the interaction like before getting into no contact, and how is that likely
to play out with your ex, with your knowledge and understanding of their personality and
all of that stuff? You have to think this through.
So anyway, I hope this video has helped you out. Once again, if you do want to find out
more about that Facebook group, there's a link for it down in the description box below.
Once again, my name is Clay. Thank you so much for watching. If you do like what we're
doing here, if that thumbs up button and subscribe. You may also want to check out this video
series over here on those advanced relational skills, or you might want to check out this
auto-generated video that the YouTube algorithm thinks that you might like. Anyway, thank
you so much. Take care. And I'll talk to you in the next video.