I don't feel like it's appropriate
to set up the video with a you know super
excited happy normal greeting that I normally do it's not that you know this is necessarily unhappy,
But I just think it's very serious
and I don't think I should sugarcoat it at all with any bullshit, not that being happy is bullshit
Or you know just I just want to be straight to the point. Something that is way more common based on
how often you see it in pop culture or in your creators that you watch or in musicians or things. You know
this is the thing people don't really talk about and I think there's a lot of shame
around it because for a lot of people they know better, and they know what they're doing and they know that it's hurting them
but they can't stop doing it, and they can't explain it, and they need help, and they feel ashamed, and that's okay
that's normal. It's normal to feel those things
but I
just don't want to feel that way anymore, and I've...
briefly touched on this subject in live streams and things occasionally very very slightly unless I was very drunk
and then I could talk about it for like an hour and a half
But this is a thing that has impacted me since I was
pubescent, since the time I hit puberty and it sucks, and it's not
constant, but it never leaves. You know it's not something that you
cure, it's something that you always have to manage. It's an addiction. It's like alcoholism
especially in my case because
I'm reliant on a substance. It's so hard just to say it. I've been going to
several professionals for a little while who have been setting me up to start recovery because I have
relapsed something awful and
It's never been this bad
for this long and something that they're telling me
that is resonating is this uh...
Eureka moment almost like this
Moment of change where you where you are able to start getting better
And I don't feel like I've had that
But I know exactly how it feels and maybe not everybody has that. I mean I know I want help
But I know I need to get better and I want to get better
But I haven't had this moment that everybody talks about and I know before when I've had
Serious issues that have been in my mind like (ummm)
Gender for example when I talk about it when I make a video
It all clicks into place, so that's what I'm gonna do for this and I'm going to claim
Exactly what I'm dealing with and I'm gonna paint it on me
And we're going to talk about it because maybe that will make me feel better. I have experienced disordered eating
Since I was very very young in a number of forms, but most prominently
I'm gonna be using clinical words here
And I'm gonna be talking about exactly what I do because I want to share this story, and if that's going to
Make you relapse into something that is terrible then do what you have to do if you can't watch this video
You can't watch this video, you know what i mean? But I'm just putting that out there. That's your warning. That's your sugar warning. Okay?
I....
Predominantly have struggled with bulimia. In the past you know when I was
Young I hit puberty before a lot of the other kids and I got really chubby
I was really picked on for that so that was a really sore spot for me because I was different in pretty much every way I
Could be different in my town. And my weight was something that I could control especially when I got to high school
when I stopped
caring about myself as much at that point I
starved myself so bad that I lost about 30 pounds in a month and a half or so and I was
Thirty pounds lighter than I am right now. That would be a problem
I'm pretty sure for somebody of my weight and my muscle and all that stuff, and I was really it was bad
And I never got to a point where I... it's weird because I've never felt
It take a toll on my body not that I can remember and I never felt it take a toll in my mind
But it could be that you know I was so young I was like 13 14 years old
Maybe my body had all this energy to fight
And to to be normal when I was doing this to it
I don't know
I don't know how I was managing, but I was eating barely anything a week, and I don't remember having this much trouble back then
And I don't know why. After that you know later in high school
I did do a lot of binge eating and purging
The traditional way the way that everybody thinks bulimia is which is with induced vomiting that never lasted long for me
And I don't know I'm glad I'm glad I didn't get hooked on that
I'm glad it didn't become an addiction, but I am facing bulimia in a different way now, and it is absolutely an
Addiction and it's controlling everything, and it's wrecking everything and it's making me feel terrible
And I don't want to feel that way. I have been
severely
Abusing laxatives for at least 3 or 4 months straight every single day every single day
Four to eight pills you're supposed to take two a week so my body basically retains absolutely no food
or fluid. It started with me actually needing the pills because at some point in their life everybody needs a laxative because you're fucking
Constipated okay, you need it. Pretty much immediately I
had this feeling
That it gave me that made me so
calm and so... it felt like a drug it it felt like when you get high for the first time or something and it it's
It's not a mind-altering substance, so I don't understand
how
But if I don't take the pills after I eat now I not only feel physical pain but
I feel extremely
Miserable and
Preoccupied on the fact that I have things in my body that I'm full of something
Because I just want to feel empty. And I got what I wanted because I feel empty pretty much everywhere
I feel completely empty and it sucks, and it's terrible and I still haven't stopped taking the pills.
I haven't taken any today, but it's only like 4 p.m.
If not not even that yet, and I'm trying really hard to make this my first day of recovery.
I'm trying so hard but along with not taking the pills
I have not eaten so that I wouldn't want to take the pills and that's not good either.
So if this shifts from one eating disorder to another that's not an improvement you know that's not recovery.
I have lost about 20 pounds in 3 months which isn't an unhealthy rate of weight loss
But the way, I'm doing it is absolutely horrendous, and it's affecting
Absolutely everything about my body and it is
Destroying me. And it's only been three months, you know, and I can't imagine
What I would feel like if I've been doing this
Non-stop for like seven years. I probably would be dead
I don't know how people live this long or live that long doing this to themselves and feeling like this every single day
I don't know how they do it because I can barely get out of bed in the morning
I woke up this morning, and I was so dehydrated
That I could feel my lips crack when I moved them. And I had you know that that dry
So thirsty desert feeling you have in your mouth sometimes and you wake up inexplicably I've had that every day for
Like a month or two months. And I thought I could deal with that I was like okay. Well. I'll just chug
fifty million bottles of water. (whispers) Oh my god
Which by the way laxatives also affect your water intake
and I'm also on a Durrett ik
For my testosterone blocking, so not only am I losing fluids from that, I'm also losing fluids in the laxatives so basically
I'm screwed in that way. I thought I could deal with that, you know, I thought I could deal with
physical
Problems and I was like you know I justified it somehow in my mind, I justified it even though I am very
consciously am very aware
that what I'm doing is harming my body and harming myself
I know that but it's that feeling that it gives me, and it's not that I'm consciously like yes
I love that feeling it's like my body demands that feeling from me now. It's like if I don't have that, something
is wrong and my body needs it
And I'm trying not to give it to my body
And we're gonna see how that works. This probably will not be my first day of recovery, that's usually not how this works anyway
What was it talking about? I don't want to do anything like when I said I feel empty
I mean it like I don't care
I don't have energy to care. I don't have energy
To do things I mean I will do them, but I have to be pushed
And I don't that's not good. Like for example I have more opportunities more sponsorships more
video topic ideas more everything to do work with right now than I ever had in my life more opportunity than ever and
Some really exciting things are brewing
and I'm just sitting here looking at the emails just not having the will to care and
I should be so excited and I should be so on top of this and I should be doing every sponsorships
so just you know I
I know that I can churn these out and I know that I can make good work
and I know that I can get back to emails immediately, but when
It's just this feeling it's it's this lack of feeling in my whole body. It's this lack of will. I just can't
Be bothered and it's not that I don't care because I consciously care
But there's obviously some kind of disconnect between what I'm consciously aware of and
What I'm doing anyway. I'm not sure that I'm at a point where I'm physically in danger
I guess I should explain if you guys don't know what bulimia is it's where you
typically will eat an
immense
completely wasteful completely
ridiculous amount of food and
Then you will in...
Make your body not have it in you anymore like you will somehow make it not be inside
of your body and you will deprive your body of the nutrition and everything that comes with the food and
With my form of bulimia where it's laxatives and not vo..., like oral purging
it's hard to detect because usually people like me will stay around a certain weight because
The fact of the matter is, and I'm aware of this, is that it doesn't really work the same way that oral purging does
I really don't want anybody to take this information and use it to be having an eating disorder
I want to stress to you that there's nothing good about this. There's I don't feel good, I don't look any
Like there's no
There's no reward so you know if you're somebody that's not struggling with something like this don't make comments like Meghan Trainor
Where you say you wish you had the willpower to be bulimic because the fact is I don't have any willpower
I have none its willpower that stops you from doing this and I've got none. Anyway like I was saying
It's tricky with
People like me to know if you are physically unwell without running tests because you typically stay around a certain weight
But iron deficiency can become fatal very quickly
People can die in their sleep and look like they're a healthy weight and look fine
And they might even be getting all the nutrition from the food because the laxatives don't work that quickly but something
I don't know what that science is, but I know that you can severely deprive your body of iron
And you can freakin just die you can just die and I don't think I'm there yet
I don't want to scare you. I'm not here to be like oh I'm so sick please help me
Maybe I am, you guys can't help me with this though, it's not. I think part of the reason
I wanted to tell you is because I feel guilty for
Slacking when it comes to work when it comes to videos I feel like I have done
1/3 of the work that I would do any other time in my life
And I have three times the work to do that compared to any other time in my life, and that makes me feel
Guilty and ashamed. And I feel like if I come forward, and I say this to you
And I apologize and I say I'm trying to get better
I feel like that will make me feel better and that will put me on the right road
And that's what I'm doing. So this is not supposed to be a big scary video about
whatever. While I'm telling you about myself, I want to let you know that if you're experiencing something like this that you are absolutely
Not alone, and I think you know that but I just want to reiterate it
I just want you to be really really aware of that. That people are struggling with things that you can't see all the time and
You know we can we can recover together
I
Will try to find some online
resources for you guys to put in the description box if you are struggling with an eating disorder of some kind. If you guys have
any other resources online that you can share in the comments please do
and
let's just
Do this. It's tricky for me to offer advice because I am NOT in recovery
And I'm not better and I'm not good so, I don't want to you know offer some sage advice
That's bullshit because it's obviously not working for me.
But you know if you are in a situation like me just be very careful.
You know do your best to stay healthy and hydrated and ask for help because
That's something that took me a while because it's not it's not a bad thing to need help
Everybody needs help sometimes, and this is something that
We can't really do on our own
luc are you dreaming?
This is something, that's really hard to do on your own so if you need help
It's okay to ask for it so reach out to somebody that you know cares about you that you know will listen
To you before just jumping to a conclusion
Or just jumping to a treatment or a solution like. This is a lot more common than you think and a lot more people deal
with this than you think and if we all were a little more honest with ourselves and with
People that care about us about things like this we would realize that this is not
a one type of person problem and that this is not
Going to go away by itself. We have to do something about it and we can start today, so let's do that.
I am going to head out now it has been a pleasure
As much of a pleasure as it can be talking about this. I love you so much and
I don't want you to you know... okay one more thing
I don't want you to feel like this is some big
You know big moment in my life because this is not like a coming out video
This is something that I dealt with for forever, and this is me just sharing it now
So I don't want you to think this is a huge deal. I don't want like a thousand sympathy comments or whatever
I just I just want to get better. And I've been better I just want to get back to better
I just I just don't want to become that.. a poster child for it
I guess. I don't think there is a poster child for it because this affects all kinds of people way more people
than talk about it, so we're just gonna we're gonna do that or something, okay? I love you. I will see you later. Bye
Cool beans