- Hello, and welcome to this month's Maggie Moment.
Today I'm going to chat about
when our kids are constantly saying no,
and refusing to be nice and cooperate,
particularly children under four.
Remember two and four is an egocentric window
where children are claiming
their own sense of autonomy and independence.
So while it is developmentally normal and healthy,(chuckles)
it can be incredibly frustrating.
And at times we've had messages saying,
"Oh my gosh, my child, I can't get them to do anything."
So that's almost stepping into what I call defiance.
And that then we have to ask a few questions about ourself.
Sometimes we have parents say, "Look, I've tried everything,
"I've done timeout and have growled at them,
"We've done this and we've withdrawn."
And I go, "You know what?
"If I'm already struggling to want to be agreeable
"and to meet you halfway or I think that my love cup
"might be feeling a little bit empty."
So it's almost like the reverse
is that when our children are like that
there may be some sort of power struggle going on
because at times they're feeling
not as loved and connected to you as as they need to be.
We actually know that children are motivated
to please us and do what we want when they feel loved,
'cause they actually want more love and connection.
So when the reverse happens, it's almost like a pushback.
Has anybody ever yelled at you to do something
in a workplace environment and you just, "What?"
Everybody wants to push back
at someone who demands something of us
and that is the same with our toddlers.
So remember there are times that we have to be really clear
around when I'm going to be the leader in this family,
and I'm the parent and it's a non negotiable.
So some of those things are,
I will take your hand when we cross the road.
I don't care whether you like it or not
because this is my job to keep you safe.
When I get to the,
are you going to choose to wear that or that
and I want them to wear something,
I'm gonna say, "Back off."
That's a choice that makes them feel,
I can make my own choices.
It's not life threatening.
So the common ones are,
and I'm serious I'm back in toddler land
and I've said this all the time,
is, I don't wanna come and eat,
how frustrating I have a lovely little toddler
who was lovely sitting at the high chair
or eating off the table and all of a sudden now,
this is not doing it.
Now this is not always a power struggle.
This is actually a little child claiming their independence,
and they might be wanting to play more.
So our timelines don't always fit our toddlers timelines.
So again, my challenge is once again, here's your food,
and when you're ready you can come and eat it
but this is the only thing that will be available to eat.
So when you're hungry, you can come back and eat it
and just let the battle go.
'cause when the battle gets to be a big thing,
then we create the power struggle
which is why particularly worse to children,
(chuckles) all the way down.
We want them to follow the same sorts of routines,
remember eat some dinner, then it's bath time
and then it's, sometimes they're pushing back on that.
And our job is to kinda keep it as close to that as possible
while allowing them some autonomy
because we know routines help children later.
So again, no, no, no, no,
be really mindful that sometimes, no,
is because I wanna test,
can you come and hold that boundary for me?
Other times I'm saying no 'cause it's a great word.
Sometimes I'm saying no and I don't even know I'm saying no.
So once again, don't always take it as a challenge
to your authority as a parent
but once again, make sure you're the leader of the ship,
allowing them some choices,
because that's part of their developmental journey.
And then I just go back to filling their love cups.
I've already done a video blog on this,
I've written articles about it,
go back and see how can I fill their love cups
so they feel more secure in our love and our relationship.
And again, these toddlers do pass.
So again, I hope that's been helpful to you this month
and if you've got any other suggestions on the no child,
'cause secretly we love a strong child,
but sometimes it annoys us, please feel free to share.
And that's all for me this month.