>> James: WELCOME TO THE
SHOW.
HOPE YOU HAD A NICE DAY.
WE'RE SO GLAD YOU CHOSE TO BE HERE WITH US TONIGHT.
WE'VE GOT A FANTASTIC SHOW PLANNED FOR YOU.
WE'LL BE CHATTING WITH VANESSA KIRBY, AND LATER WE HAVE A
PERFORMANCE FROM DARREN CRISS, YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS IT.
VANESSA KIRBY AND DARREN CRISS, CRATE PEOPLE ON THE SHOW
TONIGHT!
-- GREAT PEOPLE ON THE SHOW TONIGHT!
>> A LOT OF FIRST NAME PEOPLE!
>> James, YES, WE HAVE A LOT OF FIRST-NAME PEOPLE.
IT COULD BE CRISS DARREN OR KIRBY VANESSA.
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
GOT TO BE DIFFICULT FOR YOU, IAN, HAVING VANESSA KIRBY ON THE
SHOW, BECAUSE I KNOW -- I DON'T THINK WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THIS ON
THE SHOW BEFORE, IT WAS DOWN TO YOU AND HER TO PLAY PRINCESS
MARGARET ON "THE CROWN."
IS THAT?
>> Ian: YEAH, YEAH, IT WAS THE TWO OF US AND PETER MORGAN
DIDN'T THINK PRINCESS MORGAN SHOULD LOOK LIKE AN ITALIAN TOW
TRUCK DRIVER.
>> James: IT ONLY CAME DOWN TO LOOKS.
ARGUABLY IF IT JUST WENT ON PERFORMANCE, 100% YOU HAD IT ON
THE BAG.
>> Ian: I SAID HE COULD CGI A WOMAN'S FACE ON ME.
HE SAID IT WASN'T IN THE BUDGET.
>> James: GIVE US VIDEO PRINCESS MARGARET.
>> Ian: HE'S ALL RIGHT!
[LAUGHTER] >> James: IF WE HAD TO CAST
"THE CROWN" OUT OF THIS GANG IN HERE, WHO WOULD IT BE?
WHO WOULD WE CAST?
SUSAN?
I'M GOING SUSAN IS THE QUEEN BECAUSE SHE'S THE QUEEN OF THE
WHOLE -- THE WHOLE SHOW.
THERE.
LOOK AT THAT.
SUSAN IS THE QUEEN.
>> Reggie: YES, SHE'S READY.
>> James: SUSAN IS THE QUEEN AND DAVE AS PRINCE PHILIP, MAY
HE REST IN PEACE.
I THINK CECE WOULD BE A SENSATIONAL PRINCESS MARGARET
BECAUSE SHE'S REFINED.
>> Reggie: YEP.
>> James: DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
SHE'S REFINED AS YOU KNOW HER TODAY.
[LAUGHTER] YOU KNOW?
THAT'S THE TRUTH OF IT.
>> Ian: WE GOT THE PEOPLE'S PRINCESS RIGHT THERE SITTING
BEHIND THAT DESK.
>> James: DIANA?
>> Ian: ROB.
>> James: ROB IS LADY DI!
CHARLES, NO.
CHARLES.
CHARLES, NO.
STOP.
CHARLES, NO.
STOP.
CHARLES.
CHARLES, STOP.
NO.
CHARLES, CHARLES!
CHARLES!
CHARLES, NO, STOP.
STOP.
CHARLES.
CHARLES, PLEASE.
NO, STOP.
>> Ian: JAMES, WE CAN'T PUT THAT IN THE SHOW.
JAMES.
>> James: JAMES, NO.
JAMES, NO, YOU CANNOT MAKE THOSE JOKES ABOUT CARL'S JR.
THEY JUST MADE A BIG INTEGRATION WITH THE SHOW.
[LAUGHTER] NO, JAMES.
JAMES, NO.
YES, IT'S NOT -- NO -- I AGREE IT WAS FUNNY.
IT WAS HUMOROUS.
IT WAS DELIGHTFUL BUT UNFORTUNATELY THEY PAID THE
NETWORK $750,000, JAMES.
[LAUGHTER] DON'T FORGET, JAMES, BECAUSE --
YES, I KNOW YOU THINK YOU'RE MAKING A SHOW.
YOU'RE NOT.
YOU'RE JUST SELLING JUNK FOOD.
[LAUGHTER] DON'T, DON'T LOSE SIGHT OF THAT,
JAMES.
IT'S JUNK FOOD AND OZEMPIC PRODUCTS.
THAT'S WHAT WE'RE DOING, JAMES.
>> Ian: FAIR!
[LAUGHTER] >> James: WELL.
>> Ian: WOW.
SO FUN.
>> James: PRINCE ANDREW!
[LAUGHTER] >> Ian: THERE IT IS.
THERE IT IS.
>> James: PRINCE ANDREW.
PRINCE ANDREW.
247-365 -- WELL, IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN.
>> Ian: YES!
>> James: IT'S TIME FOR THE NEWS!
♪ >> James: TODAY -- HANG ON --
SEE IF YOU CAN GIVE ME JUST OVER THE TOP OF THIS, JUST A -- BAND.
[NEWS BEAT] WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, START AGAIN.
IT'S TIME FOR... THE NEWS -- NO, STOP!
[LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER]
START WITH THE BEAT... IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN.
IT'S TIME FOR THE NEWS.
TODAY, THE CDC AND FDA RELEASED A JOINT STATEMENT RECOMMENDING
VACCINE SCIENCE POURS ON ADMINISTERING THE JOHNSON &
JOHNSON VACCINE DUE TO RARE -- [MUSIC STOPS IN THE BACKGROUND]
>> I WAS GOING TO KEEP GOING AND STUFF --
>> James: WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT WAS?
>> Ian: I WAS GOING TO KEEP GOING INTO THINGS.
>> HE'S THE ONLY KEYBOARD PLAYER THAT HAS TO LOOK AT HIS FINGERS
TO PLAY.
>> THAT IS VERY TRUE.
>> James: STEVE.
STEVE.
LOOK AT ME, STEVE.
STEVE.
STEVE, I'M TALKING TO YOU, STEVE.
STEVE.
TAKE YOUR EYES OFF THE KEYS AND LOOK ME IN THE EYE, WON'T YOU?
I'M YOUR WIFE AFTER ALL.
OK, IT'S TIME FOR THE NEWS.
[NEWS BEAT IN THE BACKGROUND] GOOD EVENING, TODAY, THE CDC AND
FDA RELEASED A JOINT STATEMENT RECOMMENDING THAT VACCINE SITES
PAUSE ON ADMINISTERING THE JOHNSON & JOHNSON VACCINE, DUE
TO RARE CASES OF INDIVIDUALS DEVELOPING BLOOD CLOTS.
DAMN IT JOHNSON & JOHNSON, YOU HAD ONE JAB.
[LAUGHTER] KIND OF SCARY, THOUGH.
IN JUST A DAY IT'S GONE FROM "YOU'RE VACCINATED,
CONGRATULATIONS!" TO "YOU'RE VACCINATED, I'M SURE
YOU'LL BE FINE."
YOU'RE ACTUALLY TWICE AS LIKELY TO GET STRUCK BY LIGHTNING AS
YOU ARE TO HAVE PROBLEMS WITH THE JOHNSON & JOHNSON VACCINE
AND IN MOST CASES, THAT'S ALSO ONE AND DONE.
[LAUGHTER] IN OTHER PANDEMIC NEWS, GE IS
CURRENTLY DEVELOPING A COVID-19 DETECTOR FOR SMARTPHONES.
SIMILAR TO SMARTPHONE TECH THAT CAN READ LOW AIR QUALITY, A
MICROCHIP WOULD PICK UP THE PRESENCE OF A VIRUS.
I HOPE IT'S NOT ONE OF THOSE APPS WITH IN-APP PURCHASES.
[LAUGHTER] LIKE, WE'VE JUST TESTED YOU FOR
COVID.
UNLOCK YOUR RESULTS FOR $10.99.
[LAUGHTER] IAN, CAN YOU IMAGINE HAVING TO
INTERACT WITH SIRI ABOUT THIS?
HEY SIRI, DO I HAVE COVID?
>> ARE YOU COLD?
>> James: NO, I'M SAYING, DO I HAVE COVID?
>> HERE ARE SOME STORES WHERE YOU CAN BUY WOMEN'S CLOTHES.
>> James: DO-I-HAVE-COVID?
>> NOW PLAYING WHOOPTY!
>> James: DWAYNE "THE ROCK" JOHNSON SAYS HE'LL RUN FOR
PRESIDENT IF IT'S "WHAT THE PEOPLE WANT."
CAN I SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING?
YES I CAN AND HE'S COOKING UP A TERRIBLE IDEA ALTHOUGH HE'S
ALREADY SAID IF HE DOES RUN, YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S PROMISING TO DO?
DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S GOING TO DO?
HE'S GOING TO DUANE THE SWAMP.
IAN, DO YOU THINK IF THE ROCK BECOMES PRESIDENT, HE'LL STILL
FILM THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS MOVIES?
>> Ian: SECRETARY OF THE TREASURY --
>> James: TYRESE.
>> Ian: YEAH, TYRESE.
DEPARTMENT OF TRANSPORTATION, VIN DIESEL FOR SURE.
>> James: VIN DIESEL.
DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH, LUDICROUS.
>> Ian: GOT TO BE LUDICROUS.
>> James: JAMES STATHAM, FOREIGN
SECRETARY.
WHAT'S GOING ON IN RUSSIA?
WHAT'S THIS BUSINESS IN RUSSIA?
WHAT?
BORDER AWARE?
RIGHT.
START THE CHOPPER.
THEY'VE DONE WHAT?
THEY'VE DONE -- GET THE ROCK, WE'RE GOING IN THERE.
WALLOP.
LET'S GO.
>> IT'S WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN, WE'LL RESPECT THE UKRAINE'S
NATURAL BORDERS, YOU HEAR?
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
>> James: SIT DOWN, YOU MUCK.
>> Ian: I GOT KIM JONG-UN RIGHT HERE AND THIS IS KIM
JNG-2.
>> Reggie: YES, PLEASE.
>> James: IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A WAY TO SWITCH UP YOUR
WORK-FROM-HOME ROUTINE, YOU COULD BE IN LUCK BECAUSE THE
STATE OF WEST VIRGINIA HAS ANNOUNCED THEY'LL GIVE PEOPLE
$12,000 TO MOVE THERE AND WORK REMOTELY, NO STRINGS ATTACHED.
I FEEL LIKE THIS IS AN AD I'VE SEEN BEFORE ON CRAIGSLIST.
I'LL GIVE YOU $12,000 TO WATCH YOU DO YOUR THING IN MY PLACE.
NO STRINGS ATTACHED.
REGGIE, WHERE WOULD YOU HAVE TO BE PAID TO MOVE TO?
>> Reggie: I WOULD SAY MAYBE -- OH GOD, THAT'S SO HARSH AND
HARD -- I GUESS I WOULD SAY ANYWHERE THERE'S BEEN A RECENT
NUCLEAR DISASTER.
>> James: OK.
LET'S KEEP IT LIGHT, UM, WHAT ABOUT YOU, IAN?
IS THERE SOMEWHERE YOU DON'T WANT TO LIVE AND YOU DEFINITELY
WOULD BE PAID TO LIVE THERE?
>> Ian: IT WAS LOS ANGELES AND I DID IT.
>> James: RIGHT, DO YOU KNOW WHERE MINE WOULD BE?
SILVER LAKE.
>> THAT'S WHERE I LIVE, MAN!
>> James: SILVER LAKE.
>> IT'S THE ONLY PLACE TO LIVE.
>> James: COULDN'T DO IT.
>> IS IT BECAUSE IT'S TOO CUTE?
>> YOU'VE NEVER BEEN.
>> TOO QUAINT?
>> James: I DON'T KNOW, I LIKE DRINKING OUT OF JAMJARS.
>> YEAH.
>> James: YOU KNOW, LIKE, ONCE IN AWHILE, BUT, LIKE, YOU KNOW,
I WENT TO A FARM-TO-TABLE RESTAURANT IN SILVER LAKE AND
FOR WHAT I CAN WORK OUT, IT JUST MEANS THAT THEY DON'T CLEAN IT.
[LAUGHTER] THEY DON'T CLEAN THE FOOD.
WHAT'S THAT?
$37 FOR FOUR CARROTS?
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT WE CHARGE HERE.
COVERED IN DIRT.
WELL, IT'S FARM-TO-TABLE, RIGHT!
>> THERE WASN'T A SINK IN BETWEEN THE FARM AND THE TABLE?
>> James: NOT ONE.
WE LITERALLY TAKE IT FROM THE FARM AND JUST BANG IT ON THE
TABLE.
$37 AND IT'S SENSATIONAL.
>> SILVER LAKE IS THE KIND OF PLACE WHERE MOBY ACTUALLY LIVES
IN A CASTLE AND EVERYONE IS LIKE, "COOL!
WE LOOK THAT."
[LAUGHTER] >> James: IN AN ATTEMPT TO
CREATE BETTER AIR QUALITY FOR CHILDREN DURING THE PANDEMIC, A
SCHOOL IN SPAIN STARTED HOLDING CLASSES ON THE BEACH.
HERE THEY ARE HERE.
LOOK AT THAT, ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL A SEAGULL STEALS YOUR
LUNCH.
THAT WAS EXACTLY THE LAUGH THAT JOKE DESERVED.
THAT WAS EXACTLY -- IT DESERVED NO -- ARGUABLY IT DESERVED
FRACTIONALLY LESS THAN THAT.
WHO WROTE THAT JOKE, JOHN?
>> I HAVE TO CHECK THE FILES.
>> James: WHO DO YOU THINK WROTE THAT JOKE?
>> PROBABLY ME.
[LAUGHTER] >> James: DO YOU KNOW WHAT
GRADE YOU GET AT BEACH SCHOOL?
DO YOU KNOW WHAT?
DO YOU -- DO YOU -- IT'S ODD BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT'S COMING.
IT'S HARD.
IT'S DIFFICULT.
THIS IS WHERE I'M JEALOUS OF YOU GUYS.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S COMING AND IT IS -- DO YOU KNOW WHAT I
MEAN?
YOU GET THE THRILL OF JUST HEARING IT.
YOU KNOW -- DO YOU KNOW?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
HEY, MARK, YOU KNOW WHAT GRADE YOU GET AT BEACH SCHOOL?
>> PLEASE DON'T.
>> James: YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE IT.
>> I KNOW.
I'M WAITING.
>> James: SUSAN, DO YOU KNOW WHAT GRADE YOU GET AT BEACH
>> I DON'T.
>> James: YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE IT.
LOU.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT GRADE YOU GET A BEACH SCHOOL?
>> I HAVE NO IDEA.
>> James: GET READY, YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE IT.
WINNIE, DO YOU KNOW WHAT GRADE YOU GET AT BEACH SCHOOL?
>> NOPE.
NOT AT ALL.
>> James: STRAP TIGHT.
YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE IT.
[LAUGHTER] DO YOU KNOW WHAT GRADE YOU GET
AT BEACH SCHOOL?
>> HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE.
>> James: "SEA" ."
>> THAT'S NOT FUNNY!