if you've got an addicted loved one and you feel like their addiction just runs
the show controls your life or controls the whole family's life then you're in
luck because this video is for you because we're going to talk about how to
not let addiction run all over you anymore for those of you who are new
here I'm amber Hollingsworth and you're watching put the shovel down the YouTube
channel dedicated to helping you understand the science and psychology of
addiction so that you're always five steps ahead of it okay here's the deal
if you feel like addiction is running the show or that you're addicted loved
one is running all over you constantly and they have no respect for your
boundaries then probably one of two things is happening the first thing that
could be happening is that you're not trusting your instincts is that you're
not allowing yourself to see the truth about what's going on you know like when
they ask you for money or when they constantly have this crisis or that
crisis or when they have all these excuses for why they were late or didn't
show up to the family event you know what's going on it's not that you don't
have the instinct it's that you're not allowing yourself to trust your instinct
and probably the reason for that is you have some kind of subconscious fear
about what that might mean about some hard decisions and choices that you
might be forced into if you were to acknowledge what's really happening so
step number one is trust your instincts and if you really feel like you just
don't have a radar for that then make sure you watch my entire series on
manipulation lies hiding because after watching those videos you're gonna see
it coming before it even happens no reason number two why you're addicted
loved one is running all over you and not respecting your boundaries isn't
because you need to put your foot down harder it's not because you need to tell
them what they can and can't do or definitely not because you need to make
some kind of contract if you feel like that's what's happening if you feel like
you're being constantly ran over taking advantage of the real root of the
issue is your fear some sort of fear is holding you hostage and that fear is
causing you not to respect your own boundaries it's not really a matter of
you know then being disrespectful then crossing your boundaries it's a matter
of you respecting yourself enough to uphold your boundaries let's talk about
what some of those fears might be because if you can identify what fears
holding you hostage then you might can confront it and get on the other side of
it common fear number one that holds families hostage is the fear of conflict
because many of us have been thoroughly trained by our addicted loved one not to
cause problems or make waves because one of the manipulation tactics is to blow
up caused a scene have a meltdown either start a big argument or fall to tears
and fall to pieces basically it's they caused some sort of crisis and your fear
that crisis can absolutely keep you from holding your boundary from bringing
things up from dealing with the situation because it becomes easier to
just let it go and eventually you spend your whole life walking on eggshells
just trying not to upset the person fear number two maybe you're being held
hostage because of your fear of embarrassment you don't want to make
waves because you don't want other people to know about it because you
don't want your parents or your in-laws or your neighbors or your friends from
church to know about this problem and so you just keep letting the addiction
hide in the dark let's face it you're worried about what people are going to
think when the whole mess comes out the problem with this is is that addiction
lives in darkness and lies and once you turn the light on it it goes away so
much faster because you've got to think of it like bacteria there has to be
certain conditions present for it to thrive and grow and for addiction that
living in lies and darkness is the optimal conditions for addiction to
continue and a third fear that you may be really struggling with in fact this
one absolutely paralyzes some families it's the fear that your loved one is
going to get hurt or die or hurt someone else
and unfortunately I can't tell you that that's not going to happen
those are some of the realities of addiction but allowing that fear to hold
you hostage and to be the basis of which you're making important decisions it's
just not a good idea because you may feel like well if I let them live in my
house then I know that they're safe you may feel like well if I give them this
twenty bucks and I know they won't go out and sell drugs for it you may think
well if I stop at the liquor store and buy their alcohol way home then at least
I know that they won't go out drive them for more and be drunk driving the
problem here is that that's giving you a really false sense of safety because the
truth of the matter is is bad things can happen to your loved one right in your
house right in your living room in their bedroom upstairs so if you feel like you
have to leave them in your house because it's keeping them safe that's not
necessarily true if you're giving the money to get substances with and you
think well if I give them the money they won't have to do these other bad things
chances are they're taking your money for drugs and alcohol and they're doing
those other bad things too you know sometimes your loved one will actually
just outright use this as a manipulation or a threat they'll say something like
well if you don't then it's going to force me to have to do this and that's
what I call emotional blackmail essentially at this point I want you to
think of it like you're negotiating with terrorists that's what's happening here
because that's exactly what's happening when you're making decisions based out
of fear now an ultimate fear that you're probably struggling with is a fear of
living life without your loved one now that could be this fear of what life
would be like for you if your loved one passed away that could be what life
would be like for you if you had to divorce them or if you had to ask your
child to leave your home and that they couldn't come back and essentially
you're scared to death of what life's going to look like without that person
well I'm gonna have to give you a really hard truth this one's gonna be a little
bit difficult ready the truth of it is you haven't had your
loved one there in a long time now yes your loved one is still in there but
what you're dealing with is addiction on a daily
basis so the truth of it is is you're already having to live without your
loved one in your life it just feels like they're there now that doesn't mean
I'm telling you to give up kick them out divorce home you know kick them to the
curb that's not what I'm telling you at all I just don't want you held hostage
by these fears because the truth of the matter is all those things that you're
fearing and that you think you're keeping from preventing you're really
just not because unfortunately you're already in the middle of all those
storms that you feel like you're keeping at bay anytime you're making decisions
out of a fearful place it's probably going to be a bad decision the key to
your recovery as in family recovery is to make strategic decisions and to make
those decisions from a place of genuine love, care, and concern which is what
we're going to talk about in the next video