Hey, Fear Minimalists. It's Sophilia Lark of fearminimalist.com,
providing trauma recovery tools to help women of color heal the mother wound.
If you're in an ongoing struggle to set boundaries or cut ties altogether with your mother,
this video is going to share five reasons why that might be the case, so keep watching.
For the best trauma recovery tips, tools, and strategies, be sure to hit that Subscribe button,
and click the notification bell so that you will never miss a video,
when I upload new content every single week. Welcome back to my channel. I'm so glad that
you're here with me today. I'm a survivor of mother wound trauma,
a licensed professional counselor, a certified clinical trauma professional, helping women of
color heal the mother wound, and build resilience. So, you're at the point where you know you need to
set a hard boundary with your mother, and that can mean permanent physical distance, maybe with some
communication exceptions, or complete no contact. But you're having a hard time following through
with those boundaries, or just cutting her off altogether.
Here are some mistakes that you may be making. The first mistake you may be making is… and this
can be unconscious. A lot of times it is unconscious, but it can also be conscious.
Conscious because you may not have the tools to be able to deal with it. And so, you know it's
happening, but you're like, "I don't know what to do about it." But you allow guilt, shame, and
fear, doubt, and rumination to consume you to the point that you end up running back to your mother,
because you can't handle the feelings of accepting the truth of who she really is, and she's a person
who is incapable of giving you what you desire from her: love, hugs, in-depth conversation.
I mean, let's be honest. You've never had that from her in the first place, right? If you
look back over time, this is something that you have not had, but you have created this
illusion of what she can be, and clinging to that illusion is what is costing you your happiness.
You're clinging to it at your own expense. Those feelings are so strong that you're
looking for any way possible, the quickest way possible to reduce that anxiety. And so,
you end up compromising your own needs, but the goal is for you to face the reality of the pain.
She did hurt you. She can't give you what you need, to feel that, to walk through it,
to feel what you feel and not run away from it, and to process through the memories, the trauma
of the memories, and the messages that have been instilled that create these shame spirals,
to walk through all of that so that you can get to a point where you create the space to get your
needs met in other capacities. It's probably not going to be with your mother, and that's okay.
There are millions of us out here who had the same situation, and we have found
ways to get those needs met. By changing the way you relate to the messages and
the memories of the pain, you change the way that you relate to yourself,
to other people, and to the rest of the world, and that is how you experience transformation.
The second mistake that you may be making is that you allow porous boundaries to run the show. Now,
porous boundaries are loose, relational limitations that easily break down when they're
challenged. So let's say that your mom, she's sort of the queen of intruding into your life.
Maybe she shows up at your house unannounced, maybe she calls you at all times of the day and
night, or maybe she has conversations that are inappropriate. Maybe she's sharing business,
things that you know is supposed to be between you and her, and you just have trouble….
You may be scared. Maybe your mom's sort of a kind of aggressive, bullying type,
so you may be scared to speak up for yourself or to say “No” to her,
or you might be overly involved in your mom's problems. You are committed to some project
to help her to change her life, so that you guys can have a better relationship together.
Either way, your boundaries are porous. They're loose, they're easily penetrable,
and as soon as they're challenged, they break down, and then you have all of this opportunity,
negative opportunity, might I add, for abuse and all kinds of disrespectful things to happen.
And so, the key is learning to advocate for yourself and your needs in a consistent manner,
so that those boundaries don't break down, that those boundaries hold, they're solid,
they're healthy, and that you can follow through with those. That's the key to your transformation.
The third mistake that you make when you're trying to cut ties with your
mother is that you engage in ineffective and/or passive-aggressive communication.
This is when you don't clearly state your boundaries, maybe because your boundaries
are porous, like we talked about in the previous step. And so, you don't have a plan of how you're
going to follow through, if your boundaries are violated. Let's say that your mom verbally abuses
you. She calls you a name, she belittles your ideas, and you muster up the courage to say,
"Okay, that's freaking it. I'm not going to take this treatment from you anymore."
And so, you guys proceed to argue, and after the argument, maybe you storm out of the
house or wherever you guys are. You distance yourself from her for three or four months,
and then somehow you guys make a connection again, and you come back together, and you act
like nothing’s ever happened. And so, basically, you perpetuate this communication cycle that,
"I can voice my frustrations in a familiar way with my mother," but at the end of the day,
ain't nothing going to change. Nothing changes. And so, basically, what you're
doing is you are taking a break until the next buildup and explosion, and it just perpetuates
this vicious cycle, which keeps you stuck. All right, guys, let's take a few minutes to just
chime in, and let me know if this is making sense to you. Is this resonating? Are you
currently having trouble setting boundaries with your mother, and if so, what are you doing
about it? Let me know in the comments below. The fourth mistake that you make when you're
trying to cut ties with your mother, is that you continue to cling to what I call the illusion of
the desired mother. This is the idea that your mother can be what you desire her to be,
if you can just finagle the situation in such a way where you can show her what she needs
to do. If you can communicate, you can get the right combination of words and language together
to present it to her on this platter, where it goes, "Ding," and she goes, "Aha,"
right? You're committed to cracking this code to her enlightenment,
and here is the news flash: not going to happen. There are a number of reasons why it's not going
to happen, but probably the main reason is that your mom probably hasn't done her own work,
and she's probably not planning on doing her own work. And even if she has done some work,
probably there's been a stop somewhere where maybe she can't push through anymore. Maybe that
was… she went to capacity, and that's it. Maybe she just doesn't have the ability to keep going,
or she's just not willing. Maybe whatever it is that she wants to face is too painful.
And so, you're expending all of this energy trying to correct her pain,
and for what? That's impossible, because she is the only one
that can do that. Your job is to say, "This is my work. My journey consists of me
learning how to relate to the messages and the memories of the pain differently," differently in
the sense that when I'm triggered by memories of abuse, or messages of unworthiness, or whatever,
the emotional charge is not there anymore, the heat is not there anymore. You've taken the sting
out of it so that when you are triggered, you're like, "Okay, I can handle this.
I'm feeling it. I'm going to walk through it. I'm going to guide myself to calmness,
to relaxation, and ultimately, to resilience," right? You're learning how to walk in a separate
and individuated path that was stunted, right? Because before all of this, you've seen yourself
primarily as an extension of your mother, of her needs, of her wishes, of her values.
But when you learn to separate yourself from that, to relate differently to the memories,
the messages of the pain, you start to become your own person. You separate yourself, you create this
distance between you and your mother, and the more that you do that, the more you realize,
"I don't need an apology from her. I don't need her to say anything else to me. I can live the
life that I want, because I am in charge." And finally, the fifth mistake you make
when you're trying to cut ties with your mom, is that you actually have no plan for cutting ties.
It just sounds like a good idea. And as the saying goes, "Good ideas are nothing without great
execution," but execution is also based on trust, and first and foremost, trust in yourself. Do you
trust yourself to make good choices? Do you trust yourself to set solid and consistent boundaries
in significant relationships, particularly with your mother? Now, setting boundaries, especially
with relatives, friends, parents, siblings, it's not uncommon to have trouble with that,
but therein lies the problem, because if you can't set solid and consistent boundaries with
the people who are close to you, especially if they're the primary source of your pain,
then your life is going to be one big emotional roller coaster ride,
because you're going to have problems setting boundaries with anybody, in that sense.
So I created a video, not too long ago, it's called Setting Boundaries With Your Mother,
and I'll link it to the cards here, so when that pops up, you can just click on that card
and it'll take you to the video. And also, keep watching just a little bit more here,
because I have a resource that can help guide you in your decision making about setting
consistent and solid boundaries with your mom. So now you know five mistakes you make when you're
trying to cut ties with your mother, and if you're having trouble deciding whether or not you want to
continue a relationship with your mother, be sure to download my free mom breakup decision tree that
can help guide you in your decision of whether or not you want to continue to have a relationship,
or if you want to cut ties altogether. Click the link below to get that resource.
Also, I want to invite you to connect with me on Instagram, @ fearminimalist,
and Facebook at Fearminimalist, where we can carry on the conversation in
more depth about healing the mother wound. All right, guys. Well, that is it for today.
If you liked this video, hit the Like button below, share with your friends, drop a comment
below to let me know what your biggest takeaway was today. I want to get your feedback so I
will know what videos to continue making, so that you'll get the greatest benefit out of what I do.
And also, be sure to subscribe, hit that Subscribe button, click the notification bell so that you
will never miss a video when I upload new content every single week. And remember,
that the sun is going to rise and shine bright tomorrow. The question is, are you going to rise
with it and allow your best self to shine? I hope you do, and I'll see you next time. Bye.