Now, I understand you wanna clear the air.
Is that right?
Well, yeah I heard you guys out here talking about names
and whatnot and so forth type of thing.
Yes, yes, yes.
And you know my name's Harland Williams.
Yes, yes.
And I want to take a chance here to clear something up
while I'm on TV.
All right.
I am not related to Venus and Serena Williams.
(audience laughing)
You get that a lot, huh?
Yeah, I get that all the time.
I'd never even met them, man.
Then people come up to me and you know,
"How is Wimbledon this year?"
Right, right, right.
I don't play tennis.
You don't play tennis?
I don't know them.
Right, right.
I don't know why people do this.
They look like shrimp.
(Conan and audience laughing)
They do kind of look like shrimp.
Is it freaking you out?
It's freaking me out.
I want to just dip people in horseradish sauce
when they do that to me.
Yeah.
But here's the thing about the Williams sisters.
Yes, sir.
That we should all learn from,
and I certainly did.
Yes.
Their father started raising these kids up
when they were five years old to play tennis.
He got them started young, yeah.
Got them young.
And now they're 19, 20.
These wild cats are bringing in billions of dollars.
That's right.
So here's what the kid did.
I went out and adopted 14 Argentinian boys.
(audience laughing)
And I'm starting a soccer team, man.
You're teaching them all to play soccer.
Yeah.
Good for you.
(audience clapping)
And it's pretty easy to do.
All you really need is you get the bratty kids,
you get a soccer ball,
Right.
and then all you gotta buy is a field.
A field? Okay.
And then when the kids turn 18 and leave,
you still got the field,
and that's when you start raising cattle.
(audience laughing)
These are really stupid ideas that you have.
Yeah
These are bad ideas.
No, they're good ideas.
They're win-win.
That way you win either way.
You still got the field.
By the way, I know a Chinese guy named "Win-win".
(audience laughing)
Well, we're outta time.
(audience laughing)
Harland, let's change the subject.
Did you do anything fun in the city today?
Oh yeah.
You guys have a zoo down here.
I don't personally,
but you mean the city of New York?
Yeah, the city has a big greasy zoo,
so I went over there.
What?
They have a zoo.
Yeah.
And I'm looking at all the critters.
Yeah.
And I get to the koala cage.
Yeah.
And there's all these women gathered around
and I'm like,
"What in the name of Finding Nemo is going on here?"
Right.
And I realized that the women
not only think koalas are cute,
but I studied the koala's hands and it turns out
koalas have the perfect breast-groping hands.
(audience laughing)
What are you talking about?
Look at them.
They got this part that gets the big, fleshy area.
And then they got those handy little nipple manipulators
right there.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
It's like, women love that.
Man, you make that look so romantic
when you're just like that.
I'm coming at ya!
Can I see your finger for a sec there?
Yeah. What are you looking for?
I'm just trying to see if it's as-
but yours is clean.
(audience laughing)
What are you talking about?
What do you mean mine is clean?
Well, everywhere I go, I'm looking for that ass
that writes "wash me" on everybody's car.
Oh, okay.
And you think if you see someone with a dirty finger,
then that's the guy who's doing it.
It's gotta be them.
Yeah.
I mean, what is this guy,
like the car whisperer?
That's like that guy that sees dead people.
It's like, he walks by cars and they go, "Wash me."
(audience laughing)
And then he writes it on the, yeah.
Washes it.
He writes it on there for them.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, speaking of breasts.
You know, we were talking about breasts.
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
I got, I got a beef-
I like you doing your own transitions here.
Yeah!
(audience laughing)
You don't trust me to do it.
Yeah what about the-
Well, it popped into my head,
like a blueberry covered Pop-Tart, man.
(audience laughing)
What I'm talking about is that
the girls are getting these fake breasts
with the silicon put in them to attract the guys.
Silicone. Yeah.
Is it "silicone"?
You were like, "silicon."
Yeah.
What's "silicon?"
I don't know what silicon is, but-
It sounds like something Ben Grimm from the Fantastic Four
would whip up for dinner.
(audience laughing)
I was gonna say the same thing.
I almost finished that sentence for you.
But it's "silicon."
It's silicone!
So, the girls are getting the silicone
put in their breasts to attract men.
Yeah, yeah.
And I'm like,
"Girls, if you really want to attract the men
forget about the silicone.
Stuff your breast with Heineken."
(audience laughing)
You've got another-
that idea is good as all the other ideas
you've said tonight.
It's a spring treat my friend.
Yeah.
(audience laughing)
Now, Harlan,
every time you're on the show,
Yeah.
And I have noticed this about you.
Yes. Yes.
Every time you're on the show,
you comment about the set.
You see something that other people don't see in the set.
Oh.
You're that kind of guy.
You see things other people don't see.
Well, the thing I noticed, Conan,
is you get all these stars up here.
Uh huh.
And I don't know if anyone ever wishes on these stars.
Have you ever made a wish?
Well, they're photographs of stars,
but yeah,
if they were real stars.
Yeah, you could.
But you could make a wish on a star, buddy.
Like, you ever pretend when everyone goes home
you never stand out here and pretend your Jiminy Cricket?
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
Well yeah they're-
all right, yes I have!
Can I uh?
That's the saddest image
I've ever had in my life.
Everyone leaves and I'm like,
"I can pretend to be Jiminy Cricket."
(audience laughing)
Well, maybe I could uh-
Well, go ahead.
Sure, yeah, go ahead.
Why don't you show us how that would be done?
♪ When you wish upon a star ♪
♪ Makes no difference who you are ♪
♪ 'Cause when you wish upon a star ♪
♪ Your dreams come true ♪
(audience cheering)
I don't know how you do it.
(cheering continues)
(Harland laughing)
Who are you?
Guess what I wished for.
What's that?
I wished that I'd be back here again real soon.
(audience laughing)
Well, it doesn't always work.
No, it will work.
You cracked me up.
"Robots" is now available on DVD.
Are you in it?
Yeah!
(audience laughing)
Oh, there you are!
Yeah.
I just thought that was completely random.
Well, Rocky 6 is coming out soon.
(audience laughing)
The peanut is neither a pea nor a nut.
I'm just gonna start giving out weird unrelated facts.
Yeah, anything.
Anything you want.
Yeah.
But I am gonna be at the theater
that you guys did your show at.
Right here.
We'll be coming Thursday at the Winter Garden Theater
in Toronto.
We did a whole week of shows there in Canada.
Yeah, is there any ghosts or phantoms
or anything I should know about?
Yes. Yeah.
I'll talk to you later about that.
Yeah.
Well, I'll sing to them.
Yeah. You will.
So watch those.
You'll be back real soon.
I'll have security that evening.
Harlan Williams, everybody.
We'll be right back.