Um, I'm gonna say this real quick before I get started.
One of my best friends from grammar school
got in a terrible accident three weeks ago,
and he's still in the hospital,
and that shit fucked me all the way up, okay?
'Cause I had just let this nigga borrow my EBT card.
You know what I'm saying? So I'm trying to figure out
how the hell...
I'm gonna get this card back, Jesus.
Like, for real.
Like, when is it a good time
for me to bring this shit up, you know, without--
without being a petty bitch?
You know, like, damn, should I ask his mama?
What? Damn.
Ooh, I'm so mad, I'm in the hospital,
"Nurse, where his pants at? Nurse?
Where y'all put his wallet?"
Shit, I'm hungry. I need to eat healthy.
It's so expensive to eat healthy.
I've been in the gym.
You know, I gotta lose a little weight.
Been in the gym, eating healthy, thank you.
Yeah, it's been-- working out!
I joined the gym four months ago.
I swear to God, I stepped on the scale yesterday,
and in four months I have lost 45.
Yes, hello.
Yes!
In four months, I have lost 45 dollars.
Okay, it's-- what the fuck?
Okay, have not lost a pound, you hear me?
But--but the money's falling off my ass, yes.
I'm losing 15 a month quick, quick, quick.
You know, they take that shit
right out of your bank account, right?
Don't do that, LA Fitness, okay?
You don't know if it's in there, okay?
Like, you--don't do that.
Like, y'all not gonna take attendance first?
I'm not here, damn. I've been absent.
All right, I've been absent. Stop charging me, okay? Yes.
I'm not using this shit. Run the tapes.
Run the tapes. You ain't seen me since December.
Okay, like don't--
Put that shit back in my account.
And then you go and there's all these in-shape people.
They need to separate that shit. Separate us.
Don't just have me working out next to this Billy Blanks bitch.
You know what I'm saying, like--
Whole--got her panties on, abs out, running full speed, okay?
Full speed. Excuse me, ma'am.
You wanna slow this shit down? It's a fucking Tuesday.
All right, Jesus.
And, like, she's doing all that fast running.
I'm just trying to concentrate
on keeping my jogger pants out of my ass.
You know, like that's what I got going on, on the treadmill.
Trying to be cute, with my little cute pants,
my little Vicky Secret.
You know, the little P-I-N-K on the butt, you know?
Try to kill these hos, you know what.
But by the time-- by the time I get off,
that shit say P-K.
I'm like, goddamn! My ass--
My ass is eating these pants alive, Jesus.
Guys don't like dating comedians,
and I don't like that, 'cause I'm a cool-assed chick.
And I dated a guy for, like, a month,
and he was, like, done with me.
Now I don't know if it's 'cause I'm a comedian
or 'cause I'm a cheater, but either way
he got the fuck up outta there, all right?
And that's crazy, 'cause if you can't handle
a little infidelity...
you're not the man for me no way, all right?
You're just not.
I cheat on you to make you stronger, okay?
So stop being a little bitch
and love me, all right?
Let's just stop.
Don't miss out on your blessings being petty, all right?
I'm gonna tell you this, I really liked this guy.
I really liked him. It was his birthday.
I didn't have a lot of money. I said, I'll cook him breakfast.
That's cute, sweet, quick.
All I wanted was a thank you, okay?
Fellas, somebody cook you breakfast, just say thank you.
Damn, that's it. All right?
I didn't need all this,
"Um, how the fuck you get in my house?" bullshit
because that...
That don't even matter, sir.
Don't matter how I got in here, okay?
What matters is we are together, okay?
Thank you, Jokes and Notes, so much.
I'm Just Nesh.
♪ ♪