(audience cheering)
- I'm gonna tell you about the first job that I ever had.
I worked in a Sears paint department in Long Island
and I ruined a lot of homes.
(audience laughing)
Now, when I was there, the one thing I used to love doing
was I would call all the other departments,
just drive them nuts.
Because you have to pick up the phone.
They tell you that, no matter how many customers
you have you have to pick up the phone.
It's policy.
So as soon as I heard that, "Oh, this is gonna great."
(audience laughing)
So, we're in the paint department one day
and this new guy comes in from hardware, right?
And I'm staring at this banana.
And he's very serious.
He's like fixing the stock.
He's like, "This wrench goes over here."
(audience laughing)
Now, a little part of history.
At that time, America was in a serious situation with Libya.
Before Bin Ladin, there was Muammar Gaddafi.
And he was huge in news
because he shot six missiles at a US plane.
He missed.
(audience laughing)
And then the next day we bombed his tent.
That's what happened.
(audience laughing)
So I'm sitting there and I went,
"All right, I'm gonna break this dummy in
and I'm gonna call as Muammar Gaddafi."
(audience laughing)
So I got the phone, and I ring his department.
He goes, "Hello, this is Greg, Sears Hardware
and Valley Stream New York.
How may I help you today?"
And I go, "Hello. Muammar Gaddafi."
He goes, "What is your name?"
I swear to God, "What is your-" I said, "Muammar!
Muammar Gaddafi, the great Libyan leader!"
And he goes, "How can I help you?"
(audience laughing)
So I go, "I have sent six of my Libyan missiles
to blow up the Sears hardware department in Valley Stream,
Long Island." (singing chants)
At least that loud, at least that loud.
I'm not even exaggerating.
And I go, "You have 15 minutes to evacuate
all of your craftsman tools."
(audience laughing)
- And he goes, "Is there anything else I can do for you,
Mr. Gaddafi?" And I go, "Yes. You remember this, my friend.
Long live paint!"
(audience laughing and clapping)
That's not the funny part.
(audience laughing)
So I leave into the break room and I'm like,
this is the greatest call ever in history.
I'm cracking up and went, you know what?
Let me call him up and tell him I was busting his chops.
And he doesn't answer.
So like, oh, that's a big no-no.
(audience laughing)
I am gonna report him.
(audience laughing)
And then I'm looking around...
(audience laughing)
And there's no one on the floor.
There's no customers, there's no salespeople.
What the hell's going on?
And then all of a sudden a guy comes through the stock doors
in regular clothes, he's like, "Bro, let's go! We gotta go!
We gotta go right now!
We got one more! We got more!
Let's go!
It's a bomb!
The bomb's gonna go off any minute!"
I said, "That's why there's no one in Sears?"
He goes, "Yeah, and the mall, they evacuated the mall."
(audience "awes" and laughing)
Well, how did he get a bomb threat?
I said, I was Muammar Gaddafi.
(audience laughing)
And I sent six Libyan missiles
(audience laughing)
to hit Sears Hardware,
(audience laughing)
Valley Stream, New York.
I ended by saying, "Long live paint."
(audience laughing)
He goes, "It's not funny, man.
It's not funny.
There's a million cops downstairs.
I think you're getting arrested."
I went, (scoffs) "Just tell the story, man."
(audience laughing)
So I'm literally going through the ranks of the cops.
And one after the other they like,
"Oh my God, wait till... (chuckles) Sarge, hurry up.
You gotta hear the story."
(audience laughing)
"Here's a card.
If you ever need anything, you blow that thing."
(audience laughing and applauding)
So I go through the story with Sarge
and I went, "Long lived paint."
He's going, "Oh my God, here's the problem.
The problem is, it's outta my jurisdiction."
The feds are here."
(audience laughing)
I figured I'm killing. Let's bring it to a new level.
Bring 'em in.
Bring the feds in. (audience laughing)
And the one guy comes through and he looks pretty intense,
and he pulls up a chair you know, like...
(audience laughing)
He goes, "Lemme explain something to you.
I had to come in from JFK International Airport.
I had to call the Secretary of Defense.
Here's how we're gonna determine the situation.
You're gonna look at me and my two agents
and you're gonna look us in the eye and just tell us facts.
Okay?
And if I determine that your intentions were not what I like
as far as anyone's concerned, you're missing.
(audience laughing)
Do you understand the predicament that you are in?"
(laughing) "No."
(audience laughing)
He goes, "Look them in the eye."
I said, "All right.
(sighs) All right.
So, I'm in paint.
(audience laughing)
And I go to the story and I go,
'I've sent six Libyan missus to blow up
the Sears hardware.'"
(singing chants)
He goes, "Is that it?"
I went, "No. I ended by saying, 'Long live paint!'"
and that's why we are here."
(audience laughing)
And he just, he stared at me for like 10 seconds
and then he goes... (chuckles)
(audience laughing and applauding)
"I'll do the paperwork.
You should become a comedian, man."